How to Build Trust and Feel Comfortable With a New Caregiver
Leaving your kids in a babysitter’s care takes a level of trust that may not come naturally. Here’s how to ensure the caregiver you choose puts your mind at ease.
It took me three years to allow a non-family caregiver to put my boys, ages 3 and 5, to bed. My husband and I would yawn through post-bedtime date nights or wait for our parents to visit and watch the kids—even though the closest set lived more than four hours away.
But then I found my sitter. And everything changed.
We have regular date nights again, and I have coverage for appointments, work deadlines, and PTO meetings when my husband is out of town. My boys absolutely love her, and she’s never had trouble putting them to bed. And I’m left wondering, What took me so long?
It’s not just me. The American Mothers on Pause (AMP) study from Mother Untitled found that 73 percent of stay-at-home and downshifted moms were concerned about finding someone they trust to stay with their children. Half reported feeling guilty for leaving their children with someone else, and more than 1 in 3 said they felt guilty paying someone to watch their kids because they don’t earn their own salary.
But finding reliable childcare is essential for stay-at-home parents—for their emotional well-being, future ability to work, and for backup in case of an emergency.
Meet the Experts
Christine Hernandez: Early childhood and parenting expert, and the founder of Allo Saratoga Playspace in Saratoga Springs, New York.
Jada Rashawn: Professional nanny and family consultant in San Antonio, Texas.
“You never know when something is going to come up when you need someone to care for your children, [such as] a parent illness [or] a last-minute late meeting. It's helpful to have a pool of people to call on that you have met before and trust,” says Christine Hernandez, an early childhood and parenting expert and the founder of Allo Saratoga Playspace in Saratoga Springs, New York. “You don't want to choose someone out of desperation. So even if you think, ‘Oh, I will never need a babysitter,’ it’s a good idea to meet a few.”
Another part of getting over the hump? Realizing that moms just don’t need childcare, they deserve it.
“Many stay-at-home moms think they don't deserve childcare because they don't ‘work,’ but motherhood doesn't come with a lunch break or paid time off or vacation days,” Hernandez explains. “Everyone needs and deserves a break from their kids. It isn't healthy for you [and] your children to be together 24/7, 365 days a year.”
Many stay-at-home moms think they don't deserve childcare because they don't ‘work,’ but motherhood doesn't come with a lunch break or paid time off or vacation days.
As the AMP study illustrates, the absence of trust can be a major obstacle to hiring a new caregiver. What mom is immune to the niggling fear that, if left alone, babysitters or nannies might harm our children–when in fact, incidents of abuse and neglect from caregivers are few and far between?
According to a 2021 report from the government child welfare agency the Children’s Bureau, the majority of cases involving child abuse or neglect were perpetrated by the parents of the victims (77.5 percent), while 6.5 percent involved a relative other than a parent, and just 3.8 percent of cases were committed by a non-relative, such as a foster sibling or babysitter.¹
The numbers don’t lie: a babysitter or nanny is unlikely to harm or neglect your child. So how do you find one that puts your mind at ease? We spoke to moms and experts alike about how to build trust and feel comfortable finding a new caregiver.
4 Expert-Approved Tips for Finding a Caregiver You Trust
1. Tap Your Network
Start your babysitter search by reaching out to other parents in your community. Logan Lewis, a mother of three in St. Augustine, Florida, relies exclusively on personal referrals for childcare. While she has friends who have used resources such as babysitting agencies, Lewis finds comfort in knowing that a new caregiver has a seal of approval from other families.
Hernandez is another proponent of using personal references when finding childcare. “Getting daycare recommendations from friends and family can be more valuable than judging the program by its website, or even what you see on a tour. The same goes for babysitters or nannies.,” she adds. If you’re new to an area and haven’t met many parents yet, she suggests joining a local parenting Facebook group for caregiver references.
2. Interview, Interview, Interview
While this may not always be the most time-efficient approach, meeting a potential caregiver in person beforehand is a must for most moms we spoke to. Hernandez advises asking the typical questions when interviewing, (think, tell me about your past experience, why did you choose to be a nanny/sitter?), but she also throws them a few curveballs.
“I like to ask some scenario-based questions,” she says. “Gauging how a potential caregiver thinks on their feet can tell you a lot about them. You can ask questions about discipline or safety. For example, ‘What would you do if my toddler kicked you, you told them to stop and then they kicked you again?’”
While meeting in person isn’t a must for Lewis, she makes it a point to chat on the phone beforehand, especially if she plans to meet a sitter the day of. She also asks caregivers about their experience in babysitting and notes that it’s a plus if they have younger siblings or experience with young children.
3. Make Your Family’s Needs and Expectations Clear
Jada Rashawn, an experienced Sittercity nanny and family consultant in San Antonio Texas, offers parents tangible tips for finding reliable childcare. Start off by making a list of your family’s needs, she says, to help make expectations clear.
“Begin by preparing a list of qualities that are most important to you and prioritize them,” Rashawn notes. “When you’re interviewing a potential caregiver, start with your top priority and work down from there.”
Example topics might be job related, such as responsibilities, schedule, and expectations; experience, such as ages and number of kids they’ve cared for at one time; or any training or certifications they have, such as CPR or First Aid. Other questions might center around why they chose childcare for a career path, what they love about the work, or their care style, such as conflict resolution, discipline, and go-to activities.
Another, less common piece of advice Rashawn offers? Prioritize building a relationship with your nanny or babysitter outside of the children.
“[Parents] should embrace the idea of building a relationship with the person caring for their children,” she says. “Get to know them as a person by prioritizing time with them. Not only can you gain peace of mind, but regular conversations can uncover opportunities to enhance the benefits your child receives in their time with a caregiver.”
Parents also might opt for a “trial day,” during which a potential sitter or nanny comes to your home to meet your kids and spend time with them. This is a great way to determine if it’s a fit for everyone, Rashawn says.
A trial day could be one of two things—time for a potential sitter to sit down again with parents and spend time getting to know the kids, almost like a second interview. Or, it could be a “trial run” of caring for the child while parents observe at a distance.
4. Consider What Childcare Really Means
Rashawn also urges parents to redefine what childcare truly means for families, pushing past the idea that it refers only to providing care for an allotted time.
Let’s stop thinking about planning childcare in just increments of time, but rather as opportunities for enrichment.
“Childcare is more than just filling a time slot,” she says. “Regardless of the amount of time a childcare provider spends with your child, they’re helping to shape who they’ll become. Let’s stop thinking about planning childcare in just increments of time, but rather as opportunities for enrichment. Build a network of care providers that can craft experiences that will further the development of a child into a whole and complete human.”
Hernandez agrees.
“Truthfully, it's great for kids to learn to trust adults outside their family,” she explains. “A caregiver is a part of your child's village and we all know it takes a village to raise a child.”
Nanny Cams—Do or Don’t?
In a world of video doorbells, real-time location sharing on your phone, or tracking devices for everything from your luggage to your keys, it seems natural to want to monitor what’s going on at home when you have a nanny or sitter in charge. But when it comes to nanny cams, should you or shouldn’t you?
Experts say nanny cams don’t replace the due diligence required to find a good nanny or sitter, and keeping communication lines open.
“Trusting your child in someone else’s care can cause anxiety for some parents, [but] implementing a thorough screening process, maintaining open lines of communication, and trusting your instincts are paramount to building confidence and peace of mind in your care arrangement,” Rashawn says.
Implementing a thorough screening process, maintaining open lines of communication, and trusting your instincts are paramount to building confidence and peace of mind in your care arrangement.
You’ll also need to familiarize yourself with the surveillance laws in your state. While the use of nanny cams is technically legal in all 50 states, the laws surrounding video and audio recordings vary by state. There’s also the question of disclosure when it comes to using a nanny cam.
One 2020 study found that while most nannies assumed the homes in which they work would have cameras, the majority of study participants expected their employers to disclose where cameras were located and what purposes they’d serve. Caregivers viewed non-disclosure as a sign of disrespect. ²
Where Guilt and Need Intersect
For Lewis, most of the stress related to finding reliable childcare goes back to a lack of familial support nearby. “In other cultures around the world, multi-generational living is the norm,” she says. “Because [many] moms do not have the luxury of living in a community like that, it really is necessary to depend on outside childcare.”
While many mothers cite not having family living nearby as an obstacle to finding childcare, multigenerational homes are actually on the rise in the United States.
According to Pew Research data, the number of Americans living in multigenerational homes has quadrupled since 1971, and a third of those homes cite caregiving as a major reason. ³
To Hernandez, it’s simple.
“[W]e have to get past the idea that stay-at-home moms don’t need or deserve outside help, she says. “Childcare allows parents time and space to be themselves, outside of being a parent. Having this time to do things that make you feel good, whether it's working or going to the grocery store alone, or going to the spa, [is well-deserved.]”
A trusted caregiver can also help parents keep the door open to reentering the workforce down the line, a complicated issue in itself for many stay-at-home moms.
“As far as we have come as a society, we still have many hang-ups around motherhood as it relates to our careers,” Hernandez says. “We have expectations for women that we just don't have for men, this is why we call a mom who works outside the home a ‘working mom’ but we would never refer to a father as a ‘working dad.’ Moms are judged for working outside of the home, and they're judged for putting their careers on hold to raise kids. We can't win.”
And she’s right. A 2019 study from the Institute for Women’s Policy Research found that mothers work an average of 98-hour workweeks—the equivalent of 2.5 full-time jobs—without paid time off, sick days, or other perks like retirement matching, expense accounts, or health insurance.⁴ Other research found that when mothers have access to affordable, reliable childcare they’re less likely to experience depressive symptoms.⁵ In short, finding childcare you can trust benefits everyone in the family.
“Childcare is good for kids, whether it's a nanny or daycare, your child benefits from exposure to different people and experiences,” Hernandez says. “We weren't meant to parent in isolation and childcare is a way parents can build their child's village.”
References:
1. Child Welfare Information Gateway. (2021). Child Maltreatment 2019: Summary of key findings. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Administration for Children and Families, Children's Bureau.
2. Bernd J, Abu-Salma R, Frik A. Bystander’s Privacy: The Perspectives of Nannies on Smart Home Surveillance. 2020.
3. Financial Issues Top the List of Reasons U.S. Adults Live in Multigenerational Homes. Pew Research Centers. Accessed 9/1/2023.
4. Mothers Work 300 More Hours Per Year Than They Did 40 Years Ago. Institute for Women’s Policy Research. Accessed 9/1/2023.
5. Armstrong, B., Weaver, R. G., Beets, M. W., Østbye, T., Kravitz, R. M., & Benjamin-Neelon, S. E. (2022). Use of Child Care Attenuates the Link Between Decreased Maternal Sleep and Increased Depressive Symptoms. Journal of developmental and behavioral pediatrics: JDBP, 43(5), e330–e338.
