The Financial Stress of Stay-at-Home Motherhood is Wearing Women Down
More than half of stay-at-home and downshifted mothers report that relying on their partner for income is one of their biggest sources of stress.
“This school was my first baby,” says Missy Harris, a Pittsburgh mom who now also has three human babies. She’s talking about the preschool where she served as director and built into a thriving community center before she had kids. As the school enters its 16th year of operation, she finds herself far removed from that world. “I have stayed in contact with quite a few of the parents from my teaching days, and just this summer attended high school graduation parties of two of my students. Makes me feel old,” Harris says.
When Harris became pregnant with her oldest child a decade ago, neither her employer nor her husband’s provided paid maternity leave. She worked up to her due date, and then the school hired another lead teacher to take over her role—permanently. “There was hope I might be able to return part-time and do some of my director work, but unfortunately they didn’t have enough margin in the school funds,” Harris says.
Rather than find a different full-time job after a few months of unpaid leave, Harris and her husband, Todd, decided that it made the most sense for her to stay home and be a primary caregiver to their son. The couple now has two sons and one daughter—ages 8, 4, and 2. The astronomical cost of childcare would eat into her salary, leaving little left over. The couple decided, instead, to live on less money while Missy stayed home with the kids. “Paying for childcare never made sense to us as that would be adding more expenses when we were looking to add income. And with each additional kid, the cost of childcare increased even more.” They relied largely on Todd’s salary from being campus minister for a national nonprofit to sustain their family.
Harris does not regret her midlife career shift, but she’s realistic about the stress her decision has added to their family. Each decision can feel fraught. When Harris and her husband chose to go down to one car, it relieved financial stress but often creates scheduling nightmares as their kids get older and activities increase. Over the years, she has taken on part-time gig work, like teaching English online, tutoring, and babysitting, as well as trying out direct sales to supplement the family income. These pursuits require recalibrating schedules and getting creative with childcare—both additional stressors.
American Mothers on Pause, a new study from Mother Untitled, suggests Harris’s experience is common. According to the study, family finances are the biggest source of stress for at-home mothers. Fifty-six percent of respondents who identified as stay-at-home mothers or living in a downshifted career said they were stressed about relying on their partner for income. Not having enough money for family fun and leisure activities was reported as stressful by 52 percent of that group of respondents, and 41 percent said they were stressed about not having money saved for emergencies.
“In many cases, so many people rely on money to feel like they are contributing, so it gets harder when a salary is lost. You may be saving on overall childcare costs but you are usually losing a large portion of a salary and benefits,” says Jen Reid, the founder of Base Financial Planning in Boston, Massachusetts. The vast majority of Americans, 70 percent according to a recent CNBC poll, are stressed about finances—58 percent reported they are living paycheck to paycheck.
“Ultimately both my husband and I decided that we wanted me to be with the kids when they were small as much as I could. That decision has been worth the stress.
Despite the balancing act, Harris has no regrets. “There have been a few awkward times where we have to pass on things or silently make big sacrifices just to make something happen.” That has resulted in feelings of shame or embarrassment. They’ve had plenty of good times, too, like a recent trip to a pricey waterpark that’s typically out of their reach. “Ultimately both my husband and I decided that we wanted me to be with the kids when they were small as much as I could,” she says, “And that decision has been worth the stress.”
Meet the Experts
Jen Reid: Financial planner and founder of Base Financial Planning in Boston, Massachusetts.
Derilyn Freeman: Certified financial planner with Estia Focused Financial in Vienna, Virginia.
Gauri Khurana, MD, MPH: Psychiatrist at the Women’s Health Consortium in New York City.
How to Cope with the Financial Stress of Stay-at-Home Motherhood
Improve Your Financial Literacy
A 2020 study in the Journal of Economic Psychology surveyed 369 adults in Nottingham, England. The researchers asked questions about their family’s well-being, their own mood, and their family’s financial management skills. The research team found that financial stress has a negative impact on mental health, but when families had a firm financial plan, adults experienced less negative mental health effects. The study also found that when adults felt supported by their family, they managed financial stress better.¹ While the emotional tug-of-war may never fully end, implementing a plan can help ease stress.
To offset the stress of feeling dependent on your partner, Reid suggests clearly delineating the roles of the working and stay-at-home parent, because staying at home is also full-time labor.
To offset the stress of feeling dependent on your partner, Reid suggests clearly delineating the roles of the working and stay-at-home parent, because staying at home is also full-time labor. Making sure each partner has discretionary spending money so they don’t need to ask their spouse for an allowance can alleviate fights and tension. “Come up with an annual or monthly free spend number,” Reid says, “Both partners need this number–the working spouse can’t just spend because they are making money. Remember you are a team.”
It’s also important to plan for the future and the unexpected, says Derilyn Freeman, a certified financial planner with Estia Focused Financial in Vienna, Virginia. “It’s my professional opinion that in most cases, both partners should have life insurance when there is a child. That includes the spouse who works out of the home and the care-giving spouse.” Often, says Freeman, families think about life insurance for the working spouse because their income is necessary. If something happens to the stay-at-home parent, though, there will be childcare costs to cover for the living parent. Reid adds that it’s important to contribute to both partners’ retirement during the time frame that one parent is at home, as well. “I see a lot of stress come up when one partner stops working and they also pause their retirement. The working spouse can still contribute to the other's personal IRA.”
Talk Regularly About Your Money Worries
Both financial experts recommend sit-down meetings to discuss finances at regular intervals. Set a 30 minute monthly family meeting to review goals and upcoming income as well as bonuses, promotions, and expenses. You’ll be on the same page, and that only takes six hours a year. It’s important that both partners feel like they have a handle on the family finances, and apps like Mint, YNAB, Every Dollar, and Copilot help many of Freeman’s clients do just that. Some families will be able to budget for a financial planner, but for those who cannot, these platforms can be extremely helpful.
Agree to Punt Some Problems to the Future
Freeman says it's also key to plan—roughly—how long one-income living will last. “If it’s two years of cutting back on areas like travel and dining out, you could look forward to a trip when you both return to work. I have seen that ease stress,” she says.
A goal like paying off credit cards or car loans once both parents are working full time is helpful, too. Place those goals in the future so no one feels the need to tackle them during this unique season of life. “Take the pressure off yourself to maintain the same goals you had as a two-income household when you’re down to one-income,” notes Freeman.
Harris and her husband have plans to revamp their finances once their kids are older. She says looking forward does ease stress for the couple. “We plan to keep things this way for a few more years until our youngest starts school, and then I will probably go to work more full-time and work on putting some money away for my retirement, as that line item on our budget has been pretty empty over the last nine years,” she says.
When the Stress Overwhelms You, Seek Mental Health Support
With the choice to stay home, there will always be stress and guilt, says Gauri Khurana, M.D., a psychiatrist at the Women’s Health Consortium in New York City. “There would be guilt if you were working, too. ”
In moments when financial stress feels overwhelming, Dr. Khurana offers some mindfulness tips to stave off the panic. Take a few quiet minutes (in a closet, if that’s the only quiet space), and reflect on why you’ve made the choice to forego your income at this time. “Try to separate yourself from what your mom, sister, best friend, or neighbor did for their child or what you imagine that they think of what you are doing. Really, just you.”
If you are stressed today about finances, allow yourself to acknowledge that what you are doing is stressful. Do not belittle those valid feelings.
Dr. Khurana says once you are calm and centered and focused only on your feelings, reframe the situation and allow yourself to validate those feelings. “There is no one way to live or be in this world, especially with a child. No two people in the world have exactly the same day,” she says. If you are stressed today about finances, allow yourself to acknowledge that what you are doing is stressful. Do not belittle those valid feelings.
It’s also important to find support in whatever way works. If possible, find a therapist, says Dr. Khurana. She adds that it’s not always easy, though, and mothers should find support wherever it is available. “Therapy is often hard to manage with so many opposing schedules, but it is important to fight against the isolation. Join mommy groups, play groups, and be honest about your struggles—every new mother is struggling. Heck, every mother struggles.”
References:
Stevenson C, Costa S, Wakefield J, et al. Family identification facilitates coping with financial stress: A social identity approach to family financial resilience. Journal of Economics Psychology. 2020;78.
