We Need to Talk About the Loneliness of Mixing Part-Time Work & At-Home Motherhood

Logistically, having one foot in the world of employed motherhood and the other in the world of stay-at-home parenting is a recipe for loneliness. But there are simple ways to navigate it—and find meaningful connections in the process.

When people hear that I’m a freelance journalist, they often comment that the career sounds “perfect for a mom.” They see the flexibility, the physical presence, the “best of both worlds” and the “having it all” of the gray area between working and stay-at-home motherhood. It can feel lonely as a mom who spends most of her time at home, either parenting or working.

But there’s so much they don’t see about the gray area. They don’t see that “having it all” really means doing it all. They don’t see the chaos or the guilt or the ever-present distraction of juggling paid work alongside domestic labor. They don’t see the total lack of compartmentalization between two demanding jobs. And they don’t see the loneliness.

In an effort to address this, I spoke with Emily Siegel, a connection coach who works with mothers, to learn more about the loneliness of the gray area—and what moms in this space can do about it.

Is It Normal To Feel Lonely As a Stay-at-Home Mom With Flexible Work?

Many gray area moms don’t have the social trappings of working outside the home, like in-person co-workers or access to an office environment. They also may find themselves unable to make play dates, join mom groups, or schedule midweek coffee or lunch meetings. Logistically, having one foot in the world of employed motherhood and the other in the world of home parenting is a recipe for loneliness.

But there’s more to it than that. Life in the gray area is still uncommon and may be isolating and misunderstood as a result. For better or worse, the gray area of motherhood is still not the norm.

We’re still working with a binary, limiting idea of what motherhood can look like based on the “working mother” and “stay-at-home mother” ideals—and that leaves gray area moms struggling to figure out where they belong. 

Gray area moms don’t just have the best of both worlds; they also have the challenges of both worlds, and that affects how they navigate friendship and companionship, too.

Gray area moms don’t just have the best of both worlds; they also have the challenges of both worlds, and that affects how they navigate friendship and companionship, too.

“Every [mom] has challenges. I have done all three: I have stayed home, and I know the challenges that exist there. I have worked full-time and I know the challenges that exist there, and I have done the in-between thing. There’s definitely challenges with all three,” says Siegel. “For the gray area…the constant juggle is a mental load that’s very different from the other two experiences.”

The Realities of Blending Career and Family Life

Part of the loneliness of the gray area comes from the isolation of living out an uncommon experience. Gray area motherhood feels fairly visible now thanks to conversations about the value of flexibility in the workplace and the presence of influencers who integrate their family and professional lives on social media.

When you’re out in the world, you realize gray area motherhood is still not terribly common. (Editor’s note: The Mother Untitled archives are brimming with inspiring stories of mothers blending their careers or creative pursuits with family life!)

“People are craving connection with people who are doing what they’re doing, and [understand] their life,” says Siegel. “I think any time you don’t see someone having an experience similar to you, it feels very isolating and it feels very lonely. [And] any time we don’t see someone who is doing what we’re doing, it leads to just feeling like you’re on an island and misunderstood.”

It also comes down to the fact that few people fully understand the challenges of the gray area, and most people are left with this very idealized picture of what it looks like. People love to talk about how gray area moms have the best of both worlds or the perfect setup, and there’s a kernel of validity there. But when we hear those generalizations, many of us feel unseen.

With no acknowledgement of the messiness of doing it all at once; or the recognition of the tremendous juggling act we’re taking on; or a nod to the logistical, mental, and emotional challenges of the gray area, that loneliness just intensifies. 

“I think when we say it’s the best of both worlds, that diminishes the hard things about holding those two worlds at the same time and not having really clear boundaries around each. That only leads to frustration and feeling misunderstood and alone,” says Siegel. 

How to Make Meaningful Connections in This Stage of Life

So how do we combat this? Attempting to find other moms in the gray area can be helpful, says Siegel. But because gray area moms are already pulled in multiple directions all the time, getting selective about how you approach this is key.

“Because our energy is not infinite, we have to be really judicious about where we spend it. When moms think ‘I don't have friends, I need to start investing in community’, it feels like this really big thing that’s going to take up so much time and space. So what I really work with them on is [figuring out] what [they’re] craving most,” says Siegel. 

“Are you looking for someone to have coffee with once a week uninterrupted? What would fill that bucket most?” she continues. “Then it feels a little more manageable to create some of those spaces in a week, in a month. Those little moments really add up and give you so much life, but when you’re trying all these places and you’re not consistent about who or where you’re showing up, it feels hopeless.”

For gray area moms in particular, Siegel suggests committing to regular opportunities for connection, whether that means setting up recurring coffee dates or going to a class where you may meet potential friends. While making these efforts can help minimize that loneliness, it’s also important to accept that maintaining the social life you had before children may be unsustainable.

Think about the connections you do have, evaluate who will provide the type of connection you crave, and think about what you can actually commit to when pursuing new connections.

If you can’t find other gray area moms to connect with, consider this: Friends don’t have to fully understand your day-to-day in order to provide important connection. Friends who don't have children, for example, may fill a crucial void.

We’re still thinking of working vs. stay-at-home motherhood as binary concepts, but maybe we should be considering the spectrum… there are universal elements of motherhood that transcend employment status.

“They offer a flexibility that your friends with kids don’t offer, and they also play a really great role in almost shaking you a little bit out of your motherhood identity in a good way [and] just reminding you of who you were before kids,” says Siegel. “They’re not the person you talk to about breastfeeding for two hours—you need a different connection for that, I’d argue—but they’re going to offer you something else and help you see outside some of these things that you’re so in the thick of with motherhood.”

For gray area moms who feel guilt or put pressure on themselves to better develop their social lives, remember this: It’s incredibly hard to do all the things. Between providing care for your family to completing your paid labor, sometimes investing time and energy into making connections is just impossible. You’re not failing if you’re feeling the loneliness of the gray area. 

And if you’re struggling to define your identity as a mother who is neither here nor there? We’re still thinking of working vs. stay at home motherhood as binary concepts, but maybe we should be considering the spectrum.

Maybe we should remember that all moms grapple with the balance between home and career, and while no two experiences are the same, there are universal elements of motherhood that transcend employment status. The loneliness of the gray area is real, but so are the barriers to connection—and if you’re still struggling to break through those barriers, you’re not alone.

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Zara Hanawalt is a freelance journalist and mother of two. She's a graduate of Northwestern University's Medill School of Journalism and has written for outlets like Glamour, Marie Claire, Cosmopolitan, Parents, Shape, and many others.

Editor’s note: This story was first published in 2022. It has been updated for timeliness.