The Key to Making Mom Friends You Have Chemistry With—According to Experts
“It’s like love at first sight, but for our friendships.” Why this quote is helpful when making new friends as a mom.
Source: Liz Weddon
Once in my twenties, motivated by loneliness, I dated a man who did not send my stomach swirling with butterflies. He was kind and funny and took me on all sorts of interesting dates, but in my heart, I knew something did not quite click.
After a few short months of strong-arming myself into feeling a spark where there was none, I did what a kinder, wiser person would have done from the start: I let him go. There was, after all, no chemistry, so what was the point?
We talk so often about the chemistry, or lack thereof, between romantic partners—that kinetic buzz that feels almost palpable when two people are falling in love. Without it, we tell ourselves our relationships are doomed to fizzle (see: above). With it, we’re convinced our partnerships are promised longevity and deep connection.
But as it turns out, chemistry is not exclusively a romantic thing—it’s often an ingredient in meaningful, lasting friendships, too. And if we can take stock of it and harness it when we notice it, we can be intentional about building stronger bonds with new friends. Here, with the help of experts, we dive into how to find and make new friends as a mom.
Meet the Experts
Miriam Kirmayer, Ph.D.: Clinical psychologist and friendship researcher
Erin Falconer: Psychotherapist and author of How to Break Up With Your Friends: Finding Meaning, Connection, and Boundaries in Modern Friendships.
What We Mean by “Friendship Chemistry”
First, let’s talk about what the term “chemistry” even means. In a 2018 study involving a cohort of nearly 400 men and women, researchers out of the University of California Santa Barbara coined chemistry as, “A perceived instant connection that exists when meeting a person for the first time.” Although it’s an intangible and immeasurable concept, the diverse pool of participants all described it in a similar way—noting it’s when “conversation just flows naturally,” or “a spark or understanding makes the relationship easy,” or they’re left “feeling more energy being with the person.”
Miriam Kirmayer, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist and friendship researcher, explains it this way: “[It] is somewhat like love at first sight, but for our friendships. Essentially it refers to the sense of connection we feel when we meet a potential new friend for the first time.”
While Dr. Kirmayer notes we can form close friendships even without chemistry, Erin Falconer, a psychotherapist and author of How to Break Up With Your Friends: Finding Meaning, Connection, and Boundaries in Modern Friendships, argues you shouldn’t discount it. It can be the key, she says, to riding out challenges and keeping your friendships intact.
When there’s chemistry, there’s a dynamic pull that makes you want to do the work. You recognize there’s something between you that’s kinetic and magical—and that’s worth fighting for.
“Chemistry is what motivates you to get to the other side of conflict,” Falconer explains. “This is all subconscious of course, but when there’s chemistry, there’s a dynamic pull that makes you want to do the work. You recognize there’s something between you that’s kinetic and magical—and that’s worth fighting for.”
How to Pinpoint Chemistry in New Friendships
“Friendship chemistry is so dependent on who we are and what it is we’re looking for in a friend, along with how well that matches up with what the other person is looking for,” says Dr. Kirmayer.
She explains that we forge meaningful connections by leaning on three key pieces: honesty, interest, and similarity. Meaning, Dr. Kirmayer explains, that we grow closer in friendships by opening up about ourselves and connecting over shared interests, values, and experiences.
However, intellectually understanding what makes certain friendships click is one thing. Putting this know-how into practice for ourselves is quite another—especially when the pace of modern motherhood rarely gives us a moment to get our thoughts straight.
To combat this and to grow better attuned to our own intuition, Falconer prescribes a simple practice: 15 minutes of device-free time every day when we simply let ourselves be quiet and reset.
“The fact is, we’re so inundated with the chaos of daily life and, as a result, we’re missing so much of the intuition that is living within us. We’re missing that internal voice,” she says. “The information is all there. We just can’t hear it.”
Once we do some rearranging within ourselves—pushing the noise and busyness aside to make room for small moments of silence—we’ll be primed to notice something as subtle as a spark with a potential friend.
Source: Priscilla Du Preez
So There’s “New Friendship” Chemistry—Now What?
The first step in striking up a friendship is settling into the awkwardness of putting yourself out there in front of another human being. Much to my chagrin, Falconer insists there’s no way around the vulnerability that comes with expressing interest in a potential friend. Instead, her advice boils down to this: just deal with it.
While she says the age of social media has made friendship-making all the easier (just add and comment your way toward connection), there’s something noble about going the direct route. “It’s as simple as saying, ‘I’d like to get a coffee sometime, here’s my number,’” Falconer adds. “I think that’s very brave and deserving of respect.” After all, it’s not every day we feel that kinetic tug toward another person. So when we do find it, we might as well put our pride aside and seize the moment—awkwardness and all.
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