5 Marriage Problems Stay-at-Home Moms Face—And Expert Advice On How To Fix Them

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Feb 10

Written By Jay Van Dyke - Top Rated Squarespace Web Designer in New Jersey

A therapist-approved guide to navigating the conflicts of coupledom when you’re a stay-at-home parent.

Have you ever noticed relationships bring up, well…issues? It’s true you and your partner won’t always see eye-to-eye on all things and studies show¹ money matters and whose turn it is to unload the dishwasher top the squabble list.

As you and your partner move into different phases of your relationship, the disagreements you experience will shift and change, too. So, if you’re a stay-at-home mom, and you’ve noticed new marriage problems popping up, you might be wondering how to address them.

Parenting with a partner can unpack loads of emotions, and at-home parenthood impacts coupledom in specific ways. If stay-at-home motherhood is bringing up big feels for you and your partner, know you’re not alone.

Meet the Experts

Supatra Tovar, Psy.D.: Clinical psychologist in Pasadena, California.
Megan B. Bartley: Mental health and mindfulness coach, and the founder of The Mindfulness Center in Lyndon, Kentucky.

Navigating Marriage Problems If You’re a Stay-at-Home Mom

Supatra Tovar, Psy.D., a clinical psychologist, says misconceptions about stay-at-home parenthood can create frustrations and resentments between you and your spouse, and it’s the unspoken assumptions that can give rise to greater clashes. “If expectations are not communicated and addressed early, these issues can build into greater conflicts and resentments,” says Dr. Tovar.

If this new phase has you losing sleep along with your sleep-regressing 4-month-old, remember all relationships have their bumps. Megan B. Bartley, a mental health and mindfulness coach, and founder of The Mindfulness Center, says, “The reality is that all relationships have an element of tension and discomfort from time to time.”

This can look like the same argument on repeat every Thursday or ignoring issues altogether. When tensions occur, Bartley says talk to your spouse before feelings release as anger or resentment. So, to get the conversational ball rolling, we asked these two experts to discuss the 5 most common marriage issues and problems stay-at-home moms face and offer solutions that bring connection to you and your partner.

Emotions You May Experience in Your Marriage as a Stay-at-Home Mom

1. Guilt

A recent poll found 94% of all moms experience some kind of “parenting-related” guilt during their motherhood journey. Then there’s the specific kind of shame that can be experienced when a mama leaves the workforce to become a stay-at-home parent.

Dr. Tovar says, “When a stay-at-home mom gives up her career pursuit, this can lead to feelings of guilt for failing to meet societal expectations.” And Bartley adds women today are conditioned to believe they must “do it all” and this pressure can be especially high for first-time parents.

You may feel your guilt is all your own, but Dr. Tovar says guilt in a partnership can lead to people-pleasing behaviors, loose boundaries, and unequal power dynamics. But there are ways to feel empowered.

Dr. Tovar encourages the guilt-ridden partner to recondition negative thoughts with more helpful and realistic thinking, and she says: Even a simple repetitive mantra such as “I am worthy” or “I deserve to take time for myself” can change unhelpful thoughts into calming, soothing ones that melt away guilt and shame.

2. Jealousy

In conducting the national Mom Salary Survey², researchers found that the typical stay-at-home mom works almost 106 hours per week. Still for that partner in the workplace, there can be feelings of jealousy brewing.

According to Dr. Tovar, stay-at-home moms often hear their out-in-the-workforce partners express how they’d love to swap places and dive into all that “time off.” Dr. Tovar explains, “The truth is for most stay-at-home moms, free time is a distant, unobtainable luxury regularly overwhelmed by daily chores of cooking, caring, and feeding of their spouses and children.”

Envy lurking in a partnership can lead to major hurt and defensiveness on both sides of your kitchen island.

Envy lurking in a partnership can lead to major hurt and defensiveness on both sides of your kitchen island. This is why Bartley suggests naming the feeling of jealousy to be a first step to letting it go.

“In this instance, you don’t have to ‘fix’ your partner’s jealousy because the act of talking about it can release the tension,” Bartley says. As tensions subside, notice when feelings of jealousy bubble up. This awareness can provide clues to help you decide how to manage this “green-eyed monster” in the future.

3. Disconnection

Being home alone with your child all day can be as rewarding as it can be lonely. Watching your partner go off to work while you stay to work in the home can heighten feelings of disconnect from your spouse. Bartley reminds us martial connections naturally ebb and flow and being mindful of these shifts can help us reconnect.

Dr. Tovar goes on to say that when a mother becomes an at-home parent, this can create intense feelings of disengagement because “she leaves behind workplace relationships, career aspirations, and a section of her life that nurtured a particular part of her identity.”

Feeling emotionally disconnected from your partner can contribute to greater feelings of isolation, causing disagreements and conflict. When this happens, physical touch is one of the first things to go.

“To reconnect, I suggest establishing a regular cuddle/intimacy time where both partners can connect and talk,” suggests Dr. Tovar. Scheduling “cuddle time” gives you the opportunity to strengthen your bond as a couple and simply experience being with each other.

4. Resentment

Choosing to downshift or pause your career for motherhood, while watching your partner advance in the workplace, can bring up a list of “what ifs” about your unreached career goals.

Feelings of negativity and unfairness can turn into resentment towards your partner. Dr. Tovar says, disconnecting from career goals and watching your partner move on professionally, can leave space for profound resentments to grow if not addressed.

Watching your partner advance in the workplace can bring up a list of “what ifs” about your unreached career goals.

When asked about resentment, Bartley says these accumulate in a marriage over time. “It can be easy to point the finger,” Bartley begins, “but one way to help is to make a list so you can see your participation.” Write down events that trigger your resentful feelings like your partner’s promotion or a recent project. Seeing your resentments listed gives you the vocabulary to start a clear conversation and creates awareness in your unconscious reactions.

The latter knowledge provides an opportunity to shift to a more positive space—including letting go of old beliefs that hinder and revisiting your career pause from a healthier place of potential and inspiring self-growth.

5. Anger

In relationships, anger can be a healthy indicator that differing viewpoints need to be addressed. Then there’s that deep, dark anger that happens when a partner refuses to help in the home because that stuff, well…it’s the stay-at-home parent’s job.

“Stay-at-home moms have often been misperceived as people with copious amounts of free time…for most, nothing could be further from the truth,” Dr. Tovar says. She goes on to say that those whose spouses don’t help at home, feel a profound sense of anger for harboring these misperceptions and sexist notions.

In a partnership, if anger goes unchecked, it can cause deep emotional damage. Dr. Tovar suggests to first learn how to expel your anger by channeling it into activities like kickboxing, journaling angry feelings, or screaming into a pillow.

Once your anger is released, sharing your feelings in a non-confrontational manner is important. Begin by telling your partner how you’re feeling and then add what you need. For example: I feel exhausted from doing all the chores, and I need for us to share the workload. “You still have to be a good and kind roommate to each other,” Bartley says. Being thoughtful when sharing the same space is essential to feeling supported and validated.

… open communication is an empowering way to find answers to your marital issues, together.

When it comes to navigating the issues stay-at-home parenting can bring into your home, talking with your partner helps free your bottled feelings and allows you to find support.

“As with any relationship, communication is vital [to] preventing resentments, anger, and confrontations,” Dr. Tovar says. If you find having an open dialogue with your spouse brings on more battles, don’t forget couples counseling is there to help. Bartley reminds us that “most spouses want the other to be happy” which is why open communication is an empowering way to find answers to your marital issues, together.