Expert Q&A with Leah Fink | Building Friendships Through Motherhood
by Neha Ruch
Leah Fink wears many hats (leadership coach, co-owner of Williamsburg Pizza, founder of B’Nai Brooklyn), but to me, she’s my expert on community building. Leah whips together a night out (in non-covid times) for all the women she knows without blinking an eye while I would spend five sleepless nights contemplating all the ways it could go wrong. I’ve witnessed her at conferences go up to authors and political icons and leave with a commitment to cater their next birthday party. I don’t think I’ve received a care package since college, and I got not one but two from her in 2020 when we all needed a bit of care. I picked her loving brain on making new friends, navigating differences, challenging kid moments on play dates, and how to keep our friendships going when time is limited.
1. I have watched you go up to women you admire and befriend them - what are your tips on getting past the social anxiety and making it happen? How do you take those initial meetings to the "next level"?
Oh, how I love and miss going straight up to people I admire. Usually, it’s a hit: people love to hear how their work moved you. I’ve become internet friends and real-life friends with people I’ve just approached. And sometimes it’s a miss: I remember one particularly cringe-worthy time in college that I gushed over a writer after a reading. (The friend that was with me will never let me forget it either!)
Part of being able to do it is my natural personality: I’m a Chatty Cathy who loves people and almost can’t help going up to them. And the other part is something I often tell my coaching clients: hold your breath and jump off the cliff.
As for taking those encounters to the next level, as in all friendships, you have to put in some effort; I remember when Hitha [a mutual friend] and I were just becoming friends, we decided to go to a Bad on Paper live event together. Yes, sometimes it can feel like a first date, but also it can lead to some of the deepest friendships of my life.
2. You have an amazingly diverse set of mom friends, how do you handle sensitive conversations around differences in parenting styles, work life, values, socio-economics, etc.?
Building that is conscious.
When I was throwing pre-Covid events in the city, Blowout and Broadway nights, I would invite all kinds of people, moms and not, and I loved to see who was connected. I actually do think that values are the common ground: kindness and respect, for example.
In my post-pandemic life, I’ve dreamed up a new kind of event in retreats for people who need a break. In curating the groups of people who will come to these events, I will set up groups with both, commonalities and differences. For example, one group might be for women entrepreneurs, but they might also be from different parts of the country, a mix of moms and non-moms. The commonalities will be that they’ll be good people and up for having fun!
In terms of specific sensitive conversations, I think that both a good sense of humor and the Amy Poehler angle — “Good for her, Not for me” — usually work.
3. One of the biggest challenges I had in maintaining mom friends while parenting, especially little kids, was navigating difficult behaviors between the kids - tantrums, pushing, sharing - how did you work around that?
Oh my goodness, the other week, I went on a playdate where my seven-year-old threw a tantrum because he had forgotten a toy he wanted to show off to his friends. I felt the need to send an apology text to the mom, my friend, on the way home. My friend quickly wrote back, “Please don’t worry! It happens to all of us!” So my first tip is to find friends who understand. She told me that on their way home, even the kid was like, “he must’ve been having a hard time!” so a bonus of kids learning both empathy and resilience.
Second, and you are SO lucky to find it, find the unicorn family where the parents and kids all like each other. My parents’ best friends from high school were our unicorn family growing up. We were at each others’ houses all the time, and we went on vacations where the kids all got into [wholesome] trouble together. (Not sure that all our parents would agree with the wholesome descriptor!)
We have a few families like this now. When it’s happy hour right before dinner, and the moms are chatting, the dads are prepping the BBQ, and the kids are running around, I look around and try really hard to take a picture in my mind about how amazing and rare it is to find that balance.
4. When Covid passes I can't wait to come to some of your community building events because you are a master of bringing together fun women - I always over think mixing personalities - are there any dos and donts to bringing groups together?
A friend I know from Sammy’s school mentioned to me about virtual events that she wants to participate in. Still, she feels awkward in a group where she doesn’t know anyone. There are a lot of people like this -- people who wouldn't show up at a retreat not knowing anyone. I think the key to addressing that as a host is to build structures to build up the feeling of community so much so that at the end of the time together, nobody wants to leave!
Priya Parker is a genius community builder and the author of a book I’ve read five times called “The Art of Gathering.” She talks about how the idea of “the more the merrier” is flawed and can actually dilute gatherings. When inviting everyone because of fear of offending them, you may take away from the attention that you are giving intended guests as well as the purpose of the gathering.
5. I didn't even know my love language was receiving mail until I met you - what are the simple ways you nurture long-distance or even local friendships?
OMG, just wait until you receive your Valentine's Day snail mail! I find snail mail hits several love languages.
At the beginning of quarantine, we all did the online happy hour, which quickly got old. Now, and I find this the same with how we have to practice self-care, we have to dig a little deeper for the connection we all crave. I often send thinking-about-you texts or GIFS, funny articles, old photos that pop up on my phone. Sometimes I do pop-in FaceTimes. I'm in a virtual book club (with you!), and as you mentioned, if all else fails, there's always snail mail!
What questions would you have for Leah? We’ll be doing an Instagram Live to expand on this next Tuesday at 2pm EST. Join us!
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