Expert Q&A With Cara Zelas | How Do We Help Our Kids Make Friends?
by Neha Ruch
Cara Zelas and I used to bump into each other, babies in bellies and happy to trade renovation notes, both of us, expecting our second children and building our homes in the city. She’s since taken her crew back to Australia but kept up her beautiful work that first connected us, with her platform, Big World of Little Dude. In the books, readers follow Little Dude as he navigates social and emotional themes in his big world. In 2020, when parents were thrust into homeschooling she expanded her book series to include social emotional learning curriculums for parents to implement at home. So much changed this year that has made me think about nurturing my own community but also how to help facilitate that for my kids. After reading Hello Friend, A Guide To Making Friends, I got Cara’s input on our role as guides through the phases of friendship for our children. Pop below, where Cara thoughtfully answered my personal questions about shyness, setting up successful play dates and nurturing social skills in the pandemic.
1. Bodie and I both adored Hello, Friend A Guide To Making Friends, what role do you see for parents in helping children nurture their friendships at various stages (preschooler, little kid, big kid, etc.)?
Parents are children’s first guide into building friendships. Modeling positive relationships within your home is a good foundation for your child - children playout, interpret and learn from what they see and hear around them.
Teaching children social and emotional skills can help them build long lasting friendships. These fundamental skills can be taught and practiced:
Self-awareness (perspective taking)
Self-management (emotional regulation)
Responsible decision-making (making choices)
Social awareness (empathy and kindness)
Relationship skills (communication)
Here are some ideas to nurture your children’s friendships:
Begin with emotions. Name and acknowledge them. For example, “I see you are angry.” Using clear and repetitive statements give children a clear message. Emotions are at the essence of relationships, so learning about feelings is important. For big and small humans!
Learning about perspective and reading others emotions.. Try this simple yet effective activity to facilitate a conversation about perspective taking.
Provide a secure play environment. Keep first play dates short, in your home or a known place to begin with, and with one on one interaction.
Role play how to make a friend, give your child the language and words to use. Here is a helpful infographic.
Read books about making friends.
Be a good listener.
2. If we have a naturally shy child, how important is it for us to push them into social situations? How do we help guide our child to confidently participate in a way that's authentic to them?
Meeting your child where they are is important. If we push too much, it could lead to anxiety and resistance to social settings.. That is not to say we shouldn’t gently guide our child, we can do this by setting them up for success. Start small and where your child feels comfortable. Practice, use their favorite toys and role play social situations, starting with the basics, for example, asking their toys name, how they are doing, how old they are, what is their favorite color etc. Model questions that they would encounter and give examples they can use when they meet someone new. Being in a big and/or new social situation can be tricky, even for an adult to navigate, think how you feel when you walk into a room where you don’t know anyone. Now think and see this through the eyes of your child - it can be overwhelming. Start small - invite one friend over to your home so your child is in their comfort zone and space. Set up open ended activities that the children can choose from, for example blocks, drawing or dress-ups. Have the parent of the child come too, when they see you relaxed and engaging in conversation with the parent, this is a subconscious signal that your child can feel safe and at ease. Focus on your child’s interests, do they like sport, art, music? Engage them in activities where there will be children who share similar interests, this can be a wonderful way to connect with others. Most of all, be patient, making friends takes time.
3. I think we all worry about teasing and exclusion, when do you see that emerge? How should we as parents manage through those inevitable hurt feelings?
Teasing emerges early and it can begin to trickle in. Young children may tease as a way to test their need for independence and control; or a reaction to a new situation and discomfort; or as a coercive technique to get their way.
Having clear communication with your child is so important. And always begin with empathy, try and find a moment in your life where you may have been in a similar situation and how it made you feel. Teasing is an unfortunate fact of life, one that may continue to grow as your child grows. Giving your children the tools to manage hurt feelings and building resilience is going to best serve your child for the long run. That is not to take away the fact that as a parent, you may want to fight your children’s battles and absorb their hurt feelings. However, this may set them up to be unable to manage difficult relationships as they grow and mature. It also comes back to self-awareness and loving who you are. I wish I learnt this when I was younger.
If your child is exhibiting a strong resistance to going to school or a playdate, this could be a sign of something deeper happening and further action needs to be taken, don’t ignore that gut feeling. At the end of the day you are also your child’s number one advocate. There has to be a balance between helping and giving them the tools to help themselves.
Teaching strategies around conflict resolution are great tools for their friendship tool-kit. Here are some ideas for help navigate difficult moments in friendships and with people in their world.
Being excluded or not feeling like you belong amongst your peers, is a heavy burden to process. I have a two folded approach.
Teach your child to be an includer. Here is a lovely visual prompt and ideas of ways to be inclusive in social settings.
If your child is being excluded, look for the signs: are they heightened anxiety; expressing physical pain such as stomach aches before school; change in academic performance; sleep disturbances; or being withdrawn. It is really difficult to see your child go through this pain point and it leaves you with a feeling of helplessness and sadness. However, I keep coming back to communication, making the time to have a conversation in a moment of calm. I always find before bed time when we are laying down on the bed together, a wonderful time to chat with my daughter, as we are both relaxed and present. Go back to the basics of how to make a friend.
4.Do you have do's and dont's for parents in setting up play dates and play groups to set our kids up to enjoy the time and build meaningful relationships?
Set it up in advance and confirm the day before.
Initially, one on one interaction.
Meeting at a park can be neutral territory. Or offer to host if your child is shy, they may feel more comfortable in their own environment.
Keep them on a time limit.
If it’s at your home, have some snacks handy - the kids are always hungry in my household! Keep it simple, fruit and cut up vegetables.
For young children, they still may want to parallel play, which means play next to each other, this is developmentally on cue for toddlers.
The importance of manners, saying please and thank you.
End a playdate on a high note. You know your child, if you observe a change in behaviour, take it as your cue to leave. If your child is having so much fun and does not want to go (which is amazing and common) - talk to them before you arrive at the playdate and let them know the expectations beforehand. Give timed announcements so you child knows what is coming next, for example, “We have to leave in 15 minutes;” or, “In 5 minutes we have to say our goodbyes.”
5. With the pandemic limiting social interactions, what are ways we can help our children build social skills within our own homes?
Here are some tips for developing social skills at home:
Be an active listener.
Model interactions that you want to see.
Give you child the language to express emotions.
Practice emotional self-regulation techniques such as deep breathing, meditation or getting out energy through play.
Pretend play, for example, set up a manners tea party or a toy hospital.
Nurture your child's self esteem. You can do this by giving responsibilities, where it is a task they can master which builds confidence. When your child is ready, give them one household duty, for example, emptying the dishwasher. This helps them contribute to the family unit and running of the home, the idea that they are part of a community and ecosystem.
Do acts of kindness for others, for example, recycle a box, ask you child to choose some toys and books they no longer play with, to donate.
Make voice recordings and send them to their friends. My five year old loves doing this and receiving adorable messages in return. Think of this as a modern day penpal! An interactive activity, not passively staring into a screen; a time to practice conversation skills; and a meaningful way to connect with others. Works great with family as well, which is a wonderful place to start. I can guarantee mom, dad, auntie etc., would a love a sweet voice message!
Are your kid’s friendships on your mind? I’d love to hear!
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