SAHMs Need More Support. So Why Are We Labeled ‘Nags’ When We Ask for It?
Why are women called ‘nags’ when we ask for the support we need at home? Relationship experts say it’s often a symptom of a larger issue with your partner. Here’s what causes women to nag, and how to shake free of the cycle.
Source: Ekaterina Nt
Before I gave birth to our son, my husband and I set the rules. Since I was the one pausing my career to stay at home with our baby, I figured it would be a good idea to understand our parenting expectations. So, we talked about schedules and how to divide up the household chores. Then when my partner said, “Let me know when you need help in case I miss the cue,” I immediately took him up on his offer. His idea seemed wonderfully easy, but our exchanges rarely played out as I imagined.
“Honey, can you warm up his bottle,” I asked my husband on my way to change my newborn’s diaper. Standing by the changing table, I waited. After I finished my little one’s diaper change, I waited. And waited. Oh, and then I waited some more. Not one to give up (that came later), I politely asked again—five more times for 17 minutes. This is what me asking for help looks like. To this day, when I request support with parenting or household chores this is how the situation can go down. My partner's help isn’t all that helpful until I repeat my request—a lot. Until I “nag.” If you’re wondering what causes women to nag, well, here it is.
Meet the Experts
Tiffany Keith: MAMFT, licensed marriage and family therapist associate, and the founder of The Vine Therapeutic Services.
Laurel Sims-Stewart: Therapist and content developer at the Academy of Integrative Mental Health.
What Does Nagging Mean?
Nag. It’s a word that makes my stomach turn and for good reason. Nagging, put simply, is repeatedly asking or saying the same thing over and over again, says Tiffany Keith, MAMFT, licensed marriage and family therapist associate and founder of The Vine Therapeutic Services. But why are women called nags? According to Psychology Today, the notion of the nagging wife is one of the most common negative stereotypes there is about married women. What’s more, a study published in the American Sociological Review found that the most demanding relationships people described in their lives were those they shared with women, such as their wives, mothers, and sisters. ¹
“The word nagging is typically associated with feminine energy, and therefore carries a lot of misogyny,” explains Laurel Sims-Stewart, a therapist and content developer at the Academy of Integrative Mental Health. She goes on to say that this word is seen as the flawed behavior of an individual rather than a result of systemic inequalities in both the home and the workplace. This places an unequal and unsustainable burden on women, mothers, and other default caregivers.
[Nagging] is seen as the flawed behavior of an individual rather than a result of systemic inequalities in both the home and the workplace.
The toxic female trope of the “nag” has been around longer than air fryers, sliced bread, and running water. Seriously. Pop culture still uses this gender stereotype in movies and television to paint a two-dimensional picture of women (especially wives) as shrill, in-your-face partners, belittling their husbands (and the occasional passersby) with unattainable requests. So, why has this negative female image stuck throughout the ages?
The significance behind this word goes deeper than the cliche would have you believe. Sims-Stewart explains that “nagging” comes from an emotional experience, and says, “Nagging is often the result of imbalanced mental and emotional load, which is the effort required to hold and 'project manage' all necessary life tasks and information.” So, persistent asking is a product of the overwhelming emotions we SAHMs feel when it comes to doing all the things. Sims-Stewart points out that “nagging” is often a symptom of a larger issue like not feeling heard or feeling like you don’t have a very involved partner. And this leads us to repeating our requests so we’re sure to have our physical and emotional needs met.
Source: Keira Burton
What Causes Women to ‘Nag’?
According to the Wall Street Journal, women “nag” because they feel more responsible for managing home and family life. I felt this particular truth deep in my sleep-deprived bones when I agreed to stay home with my son. Keeping up with household tasks and constantly making sure my child didn’t use the couch as a skydiving platform, left me feeling behind and overwhelmed some days. That’s when I’d ask my partner for help. However, my husband needed many reminders to complete even one small task. I was confused.
Sims-Stewart explains the dynamic like this: “The individual 'nagging' is usually doing so as a result of being overburdened with a heavy mental load and is attempting to bring their partner into this work with them over and over again.” And that’s how this pattern became more present in my marriage.
The individual 'nagging' is usually doing so as a result of being overburdened with a heavy mental load and is attempting to bring their partner into this work with them over and over again.
Another reason “over-asking” finds a foothold in partnerships is because the asker desires a different outcome, Keith says. I certainly desired a different outcome, or any outcome for that matter which is why I persisted with my requests. Initially, I believed my reminders to be helpful hints, but as I continued, they caused a tension in my marriage that was out of place for us. On the surface, nagging (no matter how polite) may appear like a supportive way to remind a partner to fold the laundry or stock the fridge, but Keith says nagging has the underlying belief that the askee won’t remember on their own—which shows a lack of trust.
At this stage, Keith says a negative interactional pattern is established, and continuing this practice creates resentment and bitterness. “It’s during these cycles that people become distant and stop participating in the relationship and this is often referred to as ‘shut down’,” she reveals. Now the team dynamic is no longer functioning and we’re caught in an unhelpful cycle where both parties feel slighted and misunderstood. Is there a way to move out of it without asking “What’s going on?” five times in 17 minutes?
Nagging is a symptom of a much larger problem, [and the solution] involves everyone identifying ways in which they can do better.
How to Stop ‘Nagging’
One step to changing this pattern is to first become aware of the cycle and how it impacts your relationship. Sims-Stewart says bringing into your relationship an understanding of the ways in which both weaponized incompetence and gatekeeping behaviors keep partners locked in a self-defeating cycle is a first step. In some relationships, weaponized incompetence looks like completing tasks inadequately or can even be a deliberate way to totally dodge responsibilities, and gatekeeping behaviors can cause equal harm with unrealistic and highly critical expectations. All of this requires an adjusting of the framework around what nagging truly means, which Sims-Stewart explains like this: “Nagging is a symptom of a much larger problem, [and the solution] involves everyone identifying ways in which they can do better.”
If you and your partner are ready for a positive change, then establishing expectations is a game-changer. “Setting expectations ahead of time is crucially important,” Sims-Stewart says. This can be accomplished by using phrases such as “I need help with this task, is now a good time to talk about splitting up the responsibilities, or would tonight after bedtime be better?" Being clear in your request is also a move Keith supports. She adds that you should leave no detail unspoken, and include a set deadline. This holds your partner accountable for the expectations you’ve just set. Then Sims-Stewart reminds you to give your partner time to respond and make sure they’re listening, rather than asking them in the middle of another task.
Once expectations have been discussed, both Keith and Sims-Stewart suggest setting a regular weekly time to have a relationship check-in. This is a conversation where you can discuss your feelings, wants, needs, and goals for the relationship. Sims-Stewart encourages writing things out together to come up with a concrete way to work through requests step-by-step.
“Ultimately, the 'nagging' partner needs to feel that their requests are heard and will be acted on,” Sims-Stewart begins, “but once you’ve asked your partner to take over a task let them have full responsibility of completing it as much as possible.”
References:
Offer, S., & Fischer, C. S. (2018). Difficult People: Who Is Perceived to Be Demanding in Personal Networks and Why Are They There? American Sociological Review, 83(1), 111-142.
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