I'm Working on Being a More Present Mom With My Kids—Here's How

For seasoned yoga instructor Sarah Ezrin, bringing her full attention to parenting didn’t come naturally. Here’s how this mom of two is harnessing her own teachings so she can fully embrace family life.

As a writer, I am fascinated when two similar-looking words have seemingly unrelated definitions. One such relationship is that of the words presence, as in being physically in a room  with someone, and present, as in a gift. Both come from the  same Latin word praeësse. I guess this quote by the American cartoonist Bil Keane is more than just a cute coffee-mug saying: “Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is mystery. Today is a gift, which is why they call it the present.” 

I would venture to say that every parent understands the importance of presence on a surface level. You would be hard pressed to find someone who wished they were less present with their family (although maybe they wished their family were a bit less present with them). But let’s be real: being 100 percent present all the time is not only challenging when you are trying to keep a household going but it is also oftentimes downright impossible. 

I can’t tell you how many times I have been cuddling or playing with one of my sons, but my mind has been completely elsewhere, thinking about the other kid, or work, or what needs to get done around the house. Just the other day, I only had a few minutes with my toddler before his dad was going to drive him to daycare. I knew our time was limited and I was enjoying his company, yet I found myself clock-watching, itching to get  back to my writing. At one point, I missed half of a story he had been telling because I was brainstorming an assignment. And I teach presence for a living! 

Meet the Expert

• Sarah Ezrin: World-renowned yoga educator and author of The Yoga of Parenting. Ezrin’s expertise has been featured in the Wall Street Journal, Forbes, NBC News, and more.

When Mind-Wandering & Motherhood Don’t Mix

I find my mind wandering every single day. Before I developed a dedicated yoga practice, I may not have even noticed, but now I catch myself much more quickly. Getting still on my mat has helped me become aware of how defocused my attention off the mat often is.  

It was shocking at first to realize how little time I spent on one thought. I remember walking around a supermarket in the early days of my practice, fresh out of an asana class and  suddenly feeling as though my brain was like the dog, Dug, from the animated Pixar movie Up. In the movie, the dog talks calmly and then suddenly yells mid-sentence, “Squirrel!” and runs off to chase something. 

That day in the store, I noticed that I would be mid-thought about what I needed to buy when suddenly my brain would yell its own version of “Squirrel!” but often in the form of “You  have to finish that email!” or, “Why is it so cold in here?” or, “Ugh, this yoga mat is heavy,” and they would come in rapid succession.  

It felt like an assault at first. Was my brain always this noisy? When I started paying attention, I realized how little I was actually paying attention. I especially noticed this on the yoga mat, as it is a setting where other distractions can be removed. My mind bounces from the current moment to everything that already happened to everything that needs to be done. 

I would feel guilty when I caught my mind wandering in parenthood. How could I be thinking about other things when I have these cherubic, perfect little people in front of me asking for my presence?

My initial reaction to become aware of my wandering mind was no more mindful. As in other parts of my life, I took a more punitive approach at first, thinking, “Shut up, Sarah,” or “Ugh! Why can’t you just  stay present?” But the more often I came to my mat and, honestly, the more often I taught others on theirs, I realized that the mere fact that I had become aware was the work. In becoming aware, I was being present.  

At first, I would feel incredibly guilty when I caught my mind wandering in parenthood. How could I be thinking about  other things when I have these cherubic, perfect little people in front of me asking for my presence? It was as if I assumed becoming a parent automatically meant I must be keyed into my children’s needs and energies all the time. It is on my mat that I am reminded that it is not only impossible to be engrossed in the present moment every second of every day, but it’s also okay not to be. 

Now when my mind wanders, rather than beating myself up for missing the moment, I acknowledge and sometimes even celebrate the fact that I noticed. I am learning how to shift from a place of admonishment and guilt to a place of spacious observation. Even and especially when it is with my sons.  

Here is an example of how I practice this approach. Returning to that same morning with my toddler that I shared above, where my mind wandered mid-story, the second I noticed my  awareness had left the present moment, I spent my energy using all of my tools to bring myself back to him. I placed my hands on his body and listened to him chew. 

Had this been a day I was disconnected from the practice, I likely would have  wasted the last few minutes we had together upset with myself for letting my mind wander. I can’t get those few minutes I zoned out back. I can only  be present right now, and I’d much rather use this moment to be with him than spend it beating myself up for not being fully present with him ten minutes ago.  

The second I noticed my awareness had left the present moment, I spent my energy using all of my tools to bring myself back to him. I placed my hands on his body and listened to him chew.

It’s understandable why we want to take being present with our children seriously. I mean, no pressure or anything, but  are there any higher stakes than another human being relying on you to stay alive? It’s one thing to let your mind wander in a balance shape, like Ardha Chandrasana (Half Moon Pose). It’s quite another when driving your children on the highway. But can we be real with one another? Every single parent on this planet has moments of thinking about something else while tending to their child. Even the most dedicated yoga practitioners and teachers, and yes, even when driving. All parents and all humans struggle to stay present. 

Looking more closely, we learn that presence in parenthood may not be as  simple as focusing on what we are physically doing at that very moment all the time. Being engrossed in the immediate moment 24/7 may be possible for my infant, who has someone feeding him and wiping his bum. Or a living saint like Ramana Maharshi, who would go into meditative states in caves for weeks on end, leaving his earthly body to be tended to by his followers. But this is just not the stage of life that most parents are in.  

As householders, we have a lot on our plates. We are not only responsible for our spiritual practice but also generating income and taking care of other human beings. Householders need to be able to remember what happened yesterday and to anticipate what will happen tomorrow. The present moment in parenthood must incorporate the past and the future. The goal with presence in parenthood—if you can even call it a “goal”; let’s say intention—is to be aware of wherever the mind may be. That could be in the past, future, or now. 

A Simple Practice to be a More Engaged Mom

Many people find meditation difficult or are intimidated by it because of their perceived inability to get present. I can’t count how many students lament that they are unable to “empty their mind” or be entirely engrossed in the current  moment so they give up trying to meditate before they have  even begun. But our thoughts are not our enemy—they are  part of our power. In fact, there are some meditation techniques that use our wandering thoughts to anchor us into  our awareness.

Householders need to be able to remember what happened yesterday and to anticipate what will happen tomorrow. The present moment in parenthood must incorporate the past and the future.

The Tantric text, the Vijñāna-bhairava-tantra, offers one such technique called patra. In this method, we allow the mind to wander and then practice awareness with wherever the mind chooses to go. This means that being with your thoughts as they wander from what to cook for dinner to remembering how cute your child looked for their first Halloween to thinking about an upcoming deadline at work can all be considered a meditation. The key to patra is to remain aware of where the mind is going. 

Describing this technique in The Radiance Sutras, Lorin  Roche asserts that what we perceive as wandering can be reframed as “wondering” and therefore any thought can then become like our “mantra of the moment.” Roche writes, “You can use any thought that crosses your mind. Any object of  perception—a meal, a riverbed, a person you admire, an actor—can serve as a portal into meditation.”  

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Editor’s note: This has been adapted from The Yoga of Parenting by Sarah Ezrin © 2023. Reprinted in arrangement with Shambhala Publications, Inc. Boulder, CO. www.shambhala.com