A Sexual Health Expert On 3 Ways Tired Parents Can Find Their Spark Again
Learn three expert-backed relationship tips for parents to improve their connection.
At the risk of becoming a parenting cliche, I’ll confess that my husband and I recently took 3.5 weeks to watch one episode of Netflix’s Ozark in its entirety. Buried by work deadlines and wrung clean of energy by the full days of parenting, neither of us could muster the strength needed to sit in front of the television together.
And yet, we desperately want to be a couple who has even just the occasional date night. After all, we like each other’s company and we want more of it. But at this rate, we might as well resign ourselves to parenting in parallel and scheduling a date night for 2030.
Thankfully, Erin Chen, MscMed, a trained sex and relationship counselor, reminded me that nurturing a partnership while parenting doesn’t need to be all or nothing. Chen founded Gilly, a relationship and intimacy app specifically designed for couples with kids. So, when it comes to the many roadblocks to intimacy that parenthood provides, Chen knows a thing or two.
As a workaround to the exhaustion of caregiving, she prescribes couples small bursts of time dedicated to preserving their partnership and strengthening their connection. Here, in Chen’s own words, is her completely doable 3-step plan for doing just that.
1. Clock Some Solo Time
I operate under the philosophy that you know your relationship, your body, and your sexuality best. So, if what you are craving is not more time together, then don’t force it! Listen to what you, your partner, and your relationship are telling you. Be honest and open with each other. Perhaps, what you are both craving and what would serve you best is each having some “me” time!
It is common for couples to become so fused as one that they no longer feel like individuals. While this is not necessarily a “bad” thing, it can affect the depth of intimacy available in a relationship because the “self” starts to fade.
So I invite you to explore this with your partner. Ask yourselves, what is one thing that you can each do that’s solely for you, which would fill your cup? Bring you joy?
Perhaps it’s a night out with friends. Perhaps it’s to restart those painting classes. Perhaps it’s being able to take long walks by yourself where you can listen to your favorite podcasts.
Time apart can provide an opportunity for couples to see each other as individuals again—to remember the view of the person they fell in love with.
Whatever you come up with, note it down, then ask this next: What are one to two actions you can take to make that thing happen for each other? Perhaps it’s organizing your day so that you are able to reliably take over bath/bedtime every Wednesday night so that your partner can go to evening yoga once a week. Or maybe it’s signing the kids up for a Saturday morning activity that you can take them to so that your partner can use that time to fill their cup. Get creative! The act of coming together to support each other can be a powerful aphrodisiac in itself.
Sometimes, time apart and a dose of healthy distance can provide an opportunity for couples to see each other as individuals again—to remember the view of the person they fell in love with.
2. Try Something New and Novel
Novelty is a key ingredient to cultivating intimacy in a relationship. And it doesn’t have to be directly related to sexual intimacy. Novelty can be as small as trying a new hiking trail or a new restaurant, or listening to a new podcast together.
A common occurrence for long-term couples, especially those with young kids, is a lull or dip in the frequency of playful touch on a day-to-day basis. Often, intentional touch only happens when it’s associated with sex, or to help each other relax through a massage. There are many small practices around touch that can bring back this wonderful part of physical intimacy. One is the 3-minute game by Betty Martin. This game is great because it encourages couples to dig a bit deeper into their dynamics around giving and receiving touch. It’s a way to ease back into touch as lovers after big changes in the relationship (ahem, like becoming parents!).
A common occurrence for long-term couples, especially those with young kids, is a lull or dip in the frequency of playful touch on a day-to-day basis.
I’ll also take the cheeky opportunity to mention Gilly here, as this is precisely why we created a relationship intimacy app for busy couples! We’ve done the hard work for couples by providing a mix of mini activities, conversation prompts, and games to spark closeness and intimacy so that you spend less time planning and more time doing and playing. And no, not all of the content is focused on sex, because intimacy includes emotional closeness too!
3. Commit to a 15-minute Date
As a fun exercise, I invite you to organize a 15-minute date with your partner. Do it at a time when you are both able to be present with each other. Bring some wine or treats, whatever will make it feel date-y. Now, set the timer for 5 minutes and you will each write down, on a piece of paper, all the things—sexual and non-sexual—that feel pleasurable for you.
It can be a back massage, giving/receiving oral sex, masturbating, eating a really good piece of chocolate cake, dancing to your favorite song… and so forth.
Set the timer for 5 minutes write down all the things—sexual and non-sexual—that feel pleasurable for you.
Once the timer is up, share your lists. Do any show up on both of your lists? Do any excite you? These are the ingredients that you can now play around with to stay connected, together.
A pleasurable evening, after a long day, might look like treating yourselves to a delicious piece of chocolate cake and wine, followed by a shower and capped off with an intimate moment. Of course, this is only realistic if the kiddos are in bed (and stay in bed!) by a certain time. Pick what works and don’t fret if some of your plans don’t pan out—you are honing a life skill that many people don’t have: the ability to shape and navigate your sex life through life’s many seasons.
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