5 Mothers On Pushing Past Guilt & Paying for Childcare
For at-home parents anywhere on the spectrum from full career pause to part-time work or entrepreneurship, the question of how much childcare you need can be ambiguous. In speaking to women in the Mother Untitled community, I’ve learned the childcare conundrum can be filled with guilt, too.
Source: Eldar Nazarov
I’ve experienced this guilt myself, as well. Here’s an example: When my husband and I grew our family from one child to two, I remember feeling so guilty any time I would consider increasing our babysitter’s hours. After weeks of wrestling with my feelings over hiring more help, I realized that doing so would ultimately enrich our family life. Taking the time I needed to refuel and pursue interests beyond motherhood meant I’d come back to my children with my cup full.
But making the decision to bring in outside help or increase the amount of help you receive is never easy, as five mothers from our community discuss below. We asked them how their childcare setups have evolved as their families have grown and changed. Here’s what they had to say.
Suddenly Without Support
“Growing up, my family always had live-in help in the form of a nanny or helper. When I had my baby, we were living overseas and relied on a full-time nanny. But once we moved back to the U.S., everything changed.
I believe it takes a village. Since we moved back we’ve done what so many other families are forced to do—hack it all by ourselves. We’ve barely had time as a couple or even rest when we’re sick. Every day feels like a blur. Part of not wanting to bring our helper with us was pride, but now I feel like I’m compromising my family’s well-being because we’re stretched so thin. Not having family around has been a struggle too.” — Nina, Raleigh, NC
Seeing Childcare as Self-Care
“With my first child, I was a stay-at-home mom and I felt serious guilt over finding help. I remember thinking, I’m unemployed. Why wouldn’t I be able to handle childcare 24/7? Then I looked in the mirror and realized that I was martyring myself (i.e., skipping working out, putting off appointments, etc.) for my daughter. And for what? To show her that she must lose herself when she has children? It was a wake-up call. I realized that once I found childcare, I was a better mom—more patient and kind—because I got a break. And my daughter gained confidence too!
Now with two (and an infant with special needs), I am leaning heavily on a village this time around, paying for around 15 hours of childcare per week. I use this time for appointments, spending alone time with my oldest, working out... really anything. It has been easier this time around for many reasons— knowing that I can be a better person if I take care of myself and take time to go on date nights. That babysitter time lets me connect to me again...and it is giving me the confidence that it’s the right time to take on more in my career knowing my kids will be all right—if not better—for it.” — Meghan, St. Louis, MS
A Trial Run for Summer
“I work 15-20 hours per week and in the summertime, when my kids are home from school, it’s just impossible to get anything done. I realized I was snappy and stressed all the time trying to juggle caring for them and work. I don’t want to be on my laptop during important moments for my kids!
So my husband and I made the choice to hire help, just for the summer months to start. We have a “family helper” come over and hang with our kids while we’re working from home. She is 12 and it’s amazing knocking my work out in three days as opposed to having it hanging over me while I play with my kids!” — Maggie G., Chicago, IL
Ignoring the Mom Guilt
“I work from home. I could handle childcare with just one, but now that my second is nine months and getting into everything (not to mention they don't nap at the same time) I'm falling behind on work or ignoring one of them to answer an email. I have such guilt about not giving my second the attention that her brother got.
So, we've hired someone to come 10-15 hours a week. She starts fully next week, and I'm looking forward to being able to get work done so I can focus on the kids entirely when I'm around them. Now, I’m just trying to ignore the mom guilt of leaving them with someone.” — Christina, Baton Rouge, LA
Finding Presence
“We don’t have family around. I’m in NYC, my husband works outside the home, and I run a small business from home. For our first babe, I’ve been barely managing with part-time help, and now I’m pregnant with my second.
My mindset has shifted, and I simply need more help. I’m constantly feeling torn between the business and my son, and feeling like I can’t be in two places, in two mindsets, at the same time. I need to be here now, with who I’m with or working on what I’m working on so I can be more efficient at work and more present with my babe(s). I’ve learned a lot about ‘doing it all,’ and I think it means managing your help to be sure you are your best you.” — Alexandra, Brooklyn, NY
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