How To Be a Calmer Stay-at-Home Mom—Even When it Feels Chaotic
These expert-backed affirmations help me feel calm when motherhood feels especially hectic.
Source: charlesdeluvio
Earlier this year, I committed the cardinal sin of parenthood: I attempted a moment of serious multi-tasking while my children were under foot. With my husband working late, I convinced myself I could do it all, from cooking dinner to wrapping up my own work projects to ushering little ones off to bed. If you guessed that I buckled under the self-imposed pressure, well, you would be right about that.
With one hand, I dashed off emails by phone while I sautéed onions on the stove with the other. Across from me at the kitchen island, my 2nd grader punctured nearly every one of my thoughts with requests for homework help. And for the piece de resistance, the little one, just 3 years old, sent a basket of Legos cascading down the stairs.
On nights like these, it’s easy to get lost in self pity, wallowing in the impossible juggling act of motherhood—or worse, feeling resentful for my kids for having needs that clash with my own.
It was in that moment—with a hundred plastic pieces skittering across the floor in every direction and both kids vying for my attention—that I snapped. Or, maybe a more fitting word is exploded, or whatever descriptor could possibly define an adult tantrum that ended in tears for everyone, myself included.
On nights like these, it’s easy to get lost in self pity, wallowing in the impossible juggling act of motherhood—or worse, feeling resentful for my kids for having needs that clash with my own. And it wasn’t until they had both drifted off to sleep and I sunk into the couch for a mindless Instagram scroll that I found the perspective I needed. There, staring serendipitously back from my little screen, was a quote from a pediatric nurse, Kittie Frantz. It read, “Remember, you are not managing an inconvenience, you are raising a human being.”
The line snagged my thoughts. How many times have I been so wrapped up in keeping my family to a schedule, clearing toy clutter, or hitting work deadlines that anything that interfered—sweet children included—had me simmering with quiet rage? How often has an interruption from my little ones scattered my thoughts and left me irritated and longing for time alone?
In maintaining this juggling act in which everything is a priority—part-time work, kids, and home—it turns out that nothing gets the attention it deserves. The impact, of course, is greatest when it comes to my girls. As Emily Heilman, a licensed clinical social worker and certified perinatal mental health provider, notes, if we habitually think of our little ones as interruptions, they will learn to feel less important.
“This isn’t to say that children can’t be frustrating, disruptive, or even annoying,” Heilman says. “Rather, if we shift the lens to reveal that they are the job, they are the task, they are the ultimate priority we get to enjoy in this life, then everything else is interrupting that experience instead.”
‘If we shift the lens to reveal that [kids] are the job, they are the task, they are the ultimate priority we get to enjoy in this life, then everything else is interrupting that experience instead.’
This tear-soaked kitchen debacle with my kids was the eye-opener I needed. In attempting to do it all, on time, and often at once, I inadvertently labeled my girls as an inconvenience—always standing in my way of meeting a deadline or having a toy-free floor.
I can’t promise I’ll get it right from here on out, but, with Frantz’s words echoing in my mind, I’m willing to try. As Heilman notes, we can baby-step our way toward putting this mindset shift into practice. “This isn’t easy,” she says. “But starting with the diligence of making eye contact and listening to your children without trying to multitask is a huge step in the right direction.”
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