Can We Stop Calling Stay-at-Home Moms ‘Financially Dependent’?

Why are we so quick to accuse stay-at-home parents of dependence, but so unlikely to bring up all the ways their partners depend on them?

Conversations about how we view stay-at-home motherhood are nothing new. We’ve heard how frustrating it is when someone asks “so what do you do all day?” (Would you ask that question of someone who gets paid to provide childcare?). We’ve discussed how condescending comments like “I could never just sit at home all day” are. (Fun fact: Stay-at-home parents actually do very little sitting). But there’s one notion about stay-at-home parenthood we don’t talk about enough—and it has to do with ideas about financial dependence.

Maybe there’s genuine concern at work when an outsider asks a parent who is focusing on family how they’ll navigate finances. Often, there’s something more damaging beneath the surface of the question: The idea that a parent—especially if that parent happens to be a woman—is living off their partner, or freeloading, or not pulling their weight. But here’s the question we need to be asking: Why are we so quick to accuse stay-at-home moms of financial dependence, but so unlikely to bring up all the ways their partners depend on them?

Why do we urge mothers who stop or pause their careers to consider what they’ll do if their partner leaves, as though they can’t possibly have the foresight to consider that on their own? Why don’t we ever ask dads who have no experience with domestic labor how they’ll manage in the event of divorce or death? Why are we still assigning absolutely no value to the contributions at-home parents (especially at-home mothers), provide? 

Meet the Expert

• Laura Danger: Online educator, certified life coach, and certified Fair Play facilitator.

Motherhood Is Essential Work

Laura Danger, an online educator, certified life coach, and certified Fair Play facilitator, has some thoughts on why we as a society focus so much on financial dependence, without ever really stopping to consider how much a family depends on the person who focuses on domestic labor. 

“So much of that labor is invisible, and socially we use money as the measure of value,” says Danger. “So if it’s not paid, then I think there’s this belief that it can be outsourced. If you make enough money, then even if your wife dies or leaves, you would be able to figure it out—because people think not only is it ‘unskilled’ labor, but [also that it’s] not valuable labor. [There’s this idea that] anyone can do it.”

It’s crucial that we challenge this idea that focusing on family life doesn’t require skill or creativity or intelligence or work ethic—it does.

It’s crucial that we challenge this idea that focusing on family life doesn’t require skill or creativity or intelligence or work ethic—it does. And while you can outsource some of the physical labor (think laundry, cooking, cleaning), it’s impossible to replace the emotional and mental labor that parents who focus on family shoulder. 

Danger mentions research that indicates the value of at-home labor, not just for maintaining a family’s day-to-day function, but also in helping to propel their partners’ careers. “What’s amazing is [this research¹, which indicates that about] 70 percent of all top 1 percent earners, have stay-at-home partners,” says Danger. “Even if they are outsourcing a lot of that work—cleaners, cooks, getting Blue Apron, whatever they’re doing—the mental labor involved in making sure their life reflects the family’s values, is completely irreplaceable.”

Yes, plenty of stay-at-home parents have socioeconomic privilege, but right now, when so many parents (predominantly mothers) have been forced out of the paid workforce due to lack of accessible childcare options², it’s more important than ever to recognize that stay-at-home parenthood is not all luxury. It’s essential work that needs to be treated and talked about as such.

“I think the pandemic has shed a light on how everything falls apart if there’s no childcare, and everything falls apart if you can’t eat, if you can’t provide safety for your family. And also, that jobs are very disposable. Our bosses could lay us off tomorrow, and if that’s what we tie our value to, it feels like the entire social shift is like ‘no longer can I define myself by my job because that is not who I am’,” says Danger.

The Financial Value of Domestic Labor

There’s more than one way to provide for your family. Sometimes that involves a paycheck, sometimes it involves the full spectrum of domestic labor, and sometimes a combination of both. But cultural conversations about stay-at-home parenthood often feel stuck in a way of thinking that is, quite frankly, patriarchal. There’s this idea that domestic labor—which is traditionally, and even today, more commonly, taken on by women—is worthless. And the way we talk about that work and the people who do it? That can make stay-at-home parents feel a bit worthless, too.

If you’re struggling to define your worth and your value, Danger has advice. “For me, being unapologetic about the value of my work has been really empowering for myself and the people around me. So I think if anybody [questions that], I am so equipped to discuss the value domestic labor brings,” she says. 

According to estimates, a stay-at-home parent’s salary would approach $200,000 if the work were compensated.

But if you need a more tangible method for understanding what you bring to the table, consider a more quantitative approach. For example, sitting down and calculating what it would cost to outsource your domestic labor, which may include childcare, meal planning, laundry, calendar maintenance, and so much else. According to estimates (like this one, from Salary.com), a stay-at-home parent’s salary would approach $200,000 if the work were compensated. It’s not a fit for every family, but Danger suggests that some stay-at-home parents may benefit from opening a separate bank account and charging a salary for their contributions to the home.

For married stay-at-home parents whose families operate under a more traditional “what's-yours-is-mine” mentality, maintaining an awareness of your family’s financial picture can be empowering. And if your partner doesn’t understand your value within the home, Danger suggests working with a coach (Danger herself is one) who can facilitate conversations about a stay-at-home parent’s value.

Reframing Stigmas Around Stay-at-Home Moms and Financial Dependence

It’s time to change the conversation around contributions within the home—because it’s about more than just the conversation. We live in a world that devalues domestic labor and accuses stay-at-home parents of absolute financial dependence. That can make a parent who does not earn an income feel like they’re not entitled to breaks, or support, or help (whether from a partner or family member or paid help).

It’s not about financial dependence; it’s about teamwork. And it’s about bringing a different kind of value to the table.

For stay-at-home parents who are worried about asking a partner to take a task off their plate, or facing pushback when hiring a babysitter, or dealing with judgment when outsourcing household duties, remember: Domestic labor is labor. Your work is valuable. Your family depends on you in so many ways. And the cultural attitudes that don’t serve this line of thinking? It’s time to toss them. They’re harming parents in so many ways: internally, externally, in conversations, in our setting of expectations, and management of all the pieces. 

So let’s reframe the thinking around the value of domestic labor. Maybe it’s more nebulous than the value of a paycheck. Maybe it’s harder to calculate. Maybe it isn’t enough to sustain a family—but then, neither are monetary earnings with no one on hand to care for children and maintain the home. It’s not about financial dependence; it’s about teamwork. And it’s about bringing a different kind of value to the table. 

Read More

Domestic Labor is Labor. Here’s How We Shift the Narrative.

References

1. Yavorsky, J. E., Keister, L. A., & Qian, Y. (2020). Gender in the One Percent. Contexts, 19(1), 12–17.

2. Azuma, J.T., DeBaryshe, B.D., Gauci, K.T. et al. (2020). Mapping Access to Affordable Early Childhood Education and Care: Methodology and Application to Community Advocacy. Int. Journal of Com.