SAHMs Need Emotional Support. Here’s How Partners Can Help.
‘When a partner or spouse provides a solid source of support, mothers tend to show lower levels of stress, better emotional coping, and an improved sense of wellbeing.’
Source: Priscilla Du Preez
I’ve made lunches for tomorrow, scheduled appointments for next week, and soothed my son as he cried—and it’s only 8:30 am. My brain is barely awake, but still, I’m making it happen. Motherhood has brought with it a never-ending checklist that includes things like picking up socks from the floor and buying milk, to bigger life issues like offering the care and comfort my family needs at any given moment.
While supporting my family is an aspect of motherhood I love, in my quiet moments (like when I’m alone in the bathroom or, well…when I’m alone in the bathroom) a hollow, exhausted feeling tells me I might need a little support of my own. Constantly taking on all the heavy lifting that being a stay-at-home mom, or simply the default parent, requires can leave me feeling empty, agitated, and very alone. Sure, I try my best to do “self-care,” but besides bustin’ out my calming yoga poses between meal prep and listening to my husband’s frustrating work day, I wonder if there’s a more consistent way I can feel emotionally supported, too.
So, if you’re a mama who feels alone in providing emotional support for your family, and not sure how to remedy this or what to say—you actually have company. A recent study found that 7 in 10 mothers hold back their feelings and don’t tell their partner when feeling stressed. Having support from a partner/spouse is important and Supatra Tovar, PsyD., a clinical psychologist in Pasadena, California, says, “When a partner or spouse provides a solid source of support, mothers tend to show lower levels of stress, better emotional coping, and an improved sense of wellbeing.” So, if you’re craving support, but aren’t sure how to name your craving, here are five ways your partner can help right now.
Meet the Expert
Supatra Tovar, PsyD.: Clinical psychologist in Pasadena, California.
5 Ways Your Partner Can Offer Much-Needed Emotional Support
1. Listening
The act of listening can increase connection, strengthen feelings of support, and has a high likelihood of transforming a relationship in a positive way. So, if you need to decompress and discuss your parenting day, ask your partner to listen. To accomplish this, Dr. Tovar suggests having your partner “reflect back” what they’re hearing and/or seeing. This can mean summarizing whole points or repeating back important phrases. “Having a safe space to express your feelings and frustrations can make all the difference between poor and positive mental health for a mother,” Dr. Tovar explains.
2. Practical Support
When your partner takes cooking dinner off your plate or claims a handful of your chores, this participation can make you feel supported. Dr. Tovar explains that most couples grew up in traditional homes where mothers were expected to take on the brunt of the household chores/child-rearing. “This has become impractical today, where moms are also juggling their own careers and lives as much as men,” she says. So, having either an equal distribution of chores or a partner willing to reassess household and kid-related tasks when needed can give moms an extra supportive boost. Dr. Tovar notes this step can also help fathers become more active and engaged in childrearing/family life and break the assumption and expectation that mothers should “do it all.”
3. Awareness
Becoming self-aware is key when it comes to getting your needs met. So, take a moment and ask yourself questions like: How am I feeling? Am I feeling angry? Then ask: Where does this emotion stem from? “Doing an internal check-in before communicating to our spouses can pave the way to getting these needs met,” says Dr. Tovar. Next, talk to your partner about what they can do to help bring on those big feels of support. Are you feeling isolated and need your partner to listen? Are you feeling angry and need practical help? Being direct and asking for exactly what you need, while finding healthy ways to express and expel your anger or other heavy emotions can be the first steps toward feeling better and more supported, Dr. Tovar says.
Being direct and asking for exactly what you need, while finding healthy ways to express and expel your anger or other heavy emotions can be the first steps toward feeling better and more supported.
4. Validation
This is an essential component in a relationship as it increases closeness and helps us feel safe. Asking your partner to validate your experience lets them know they see all they contribute. This can be achieved in a number of ways including listening, repeating what is being said, or summarizing the experience. Letting your spouse know you appreciate what they do can go a long way toward improving your relationship dynamic, helping you both feel more like a united parenting front, and getting the support you both need as well, says Dr. Tovar.
5. Be true to your word
Has your partner ever promised to put the baby to bed and then flaked out only to leave you feeling frustrated? Matching your words to your actions builds trust and offers dependable support. “Consistency and honoring what you’ve committed to can engender more trust,” Dr. Tovar begins, “this provides a greater sense of security that your needs will be met and that parenting is a team effort.” So, talk to your spouse about following through with their promises because staying true to your word can mean everything to a stressed-out parent. “Communicating the hope and expectation that each parent will be true to their word can make all the difference between partner resentment and satisfaction,” Dr. Tovar reminds.
If we don’t ask for the emotional help we want, feelings of isolation and resentment can build up over time causing misunderstandings, false assumptions, and further unequal parenting duties.
There’s no doubt it can be tough to ask for the support we want. This is when Dr. Tovar reminds us that being direct and proactively asking for exactly for what we need with our partners is usually most effective in seeking additional support. It’s good to remember our partners are not mind readers and if we don’t take the time to ask for the emotional help we want, feelings of isolation and resentment can build up over time causing misunderstandings, false assumptions, and further unequal parenting duties, Dr. Tovar says.
While I’d love it if my husband knew instantly what type of emotional support I was craving at any given time, he does not. Asking him to take time out to listen to my day and validate my experience are the two go-to methods that instantly offer me reassurance. That hollow, frustrated feeling slowly releases and I feel more like myself again. Asking for the support I need creates a safe space where everyone is free to ask for the help they require. As Dr. Tovar says, being specific in asking for what you want, whether it is a hug when your spouse comes home, a break from the kids so you can take a shower, or a general shoulder to cry on can make all the difference between continuing to feel alone or finally feeling supported.
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