How to Stop Overthinking Every Parenting Decision—According to Experts
by Alex Frost
Staring at my newborn in his crib, I watched him sleep. Clearly, my son was deep in dreamland because the loud clanging of the wheels turning in my head didn’t wake him. This was my little one’s first time sleeping late, and my brain was weighing all options and playing out countless scenarios. Trying to make the greatest and best parenting decision in the world, I battled between waking him up so we could keep to our schedule of feeding, naps, and snuggles, or letting him catch his Zs.
Since my mom instincts were sleeping in with my kid, I decided to do a quick internet search for some answers. But this only confused me more. “Never wake a sleeping baby” and “babies thrive on routine” were conflicting concepts that inspired questions like: If I wake him, would I hurt his brain development? Would he still get into a good college if disrupted his regularly scheduled daily schedule? My decision-making panic rose, and I could feel myself stuck overthinking every option and wondering which choice would be the best for my son. Why was it so tough making a decision?
How overthinking harms
When defining overthinking in terms of parenting, Dr. Katie Smith, a licensed clinical and child psychologist, says, “Overthinking is thinking about something in a repetitive, circular way that is usually not productive or solution-focused.” While it’s common to feel nervous and unsure when met with new child-raising challenges, Dr. Smith explains overthinking can impede our parenting skills. “Overthinking keeps us stuck in a negative place,” she begins, “it usually doesn’t allow us the clarity of mind to make good parenting decisions.”
‘Overthinking keeps us stuck in a negative place… it usually doesn’t allow us the clarity of mind to make good parenting decisions.’
Wanting to make the best choice for your child can be one reason driving your brain to overthink, but if you believe this process is beneficial, well…you might want to think again. Jenny Yip, PSy.D, ADPP, and executive director of the Renewed Freedom Center in Los Angeles, says overthinking parenting situations isn’t helpful because this type of thought comes from a place of fear. “It helps to be able to anticipate potential threats and then prepare,” Dr. Yip says. However, spending countless hours ruminating drives intense worry and anxiety which doesn’t help you parent well, she says.
Whether it was sleep schedules or the appropriate amount of time to swing before getting swing-sick, there were periods I found myself dissecting every possible parenting choice. My intention was to uncover the best-fitting solution, but oftentimes the more I thought, the more overwhelmed I felt. When asked if it was normal at some parenting point to overthink, Dr. Yip says in present times it is and offers, “Mostly through technology, parents today are so overly connected and receive so much information.” This constant consumption of advice, news/information scrolls, and, yes…your social media feed showing you the photo of your cousin’s perfectly sleeping newborn lends itself to self-doubt which can trigger those non-stop thoughts.
Overthinking can decrease your tolerance to parenting situations that require your real-time focus and it can also take away your bandwidth when experiencing meaningful moments with your family.
It’s not surprising to learn a recent study reveals parents spend an average of 37 hours a week worrying about their kids. So, if you find yourself stuck in a pattern of weighing all of your momming options over and over, Dr. Smith explains that overthinking is usually a reactive way of thinking and we frequently fall into this pattern out of anxiety, fear, and uncertainty. And Dr. Yip adds that when it comes to fear, we oftentimes don’t want to experience that discomfort so we attempt to fix it. As we continue to try and problem-solve our way out, we can entrench our overthinking habits and move into feelings of shame, anxiety, and depression.
While overthinking may feel like a technique for discovering your best solutions, it impacts your parenting in ways you might not realize. Dr. Yip explains that it can decrease your tolerance to parenting situations that require your real-time focus and it can also take away your bandwidth when experiencing meaningful moments with your family.
How to stop overthinking
Disconnect digitally
So, if you’re looking for ways to unstick your churning mom-brain, Dr. Yip suggests beginning with disconnecting digitally. Start slowly and set boundaries around access to your social media and news feeds. This allows your brain a break from comparing and contrasting your parenting life to the entirety of the internet which can feed your need to overthink.
Label it in the moment
Another way to downshift your over-analyzing mind is to become aware of your habit. Dr. Smith advises, “When you find yourself overthinking, acknowledge that this is what you’re doing, and note that it’s not helpful. In other words, name it.” The process of labeling can help you shift more easily into a place of awareness and assist you in disengaging from all the heavy thoughts and emotions overthinking can bring.
Find the source
Then taking this newfound awareness one step further, Dr. Smith suggests defining the concern you’ve been contemplating. For example, you might struggle with thoughts along the lines of: “Did I come down too hard on my child? Am I treating them with kindness?”
Spin your worries into an empowering mantra
Once you’ve determined your worry or issue, create a parenting mantra or mission statement surrounding that concern. This can be as long or short as feels comfortable and can sound like: My goal is to raise children who are kind, respectful, and self-reliant. In parenting them I, then, need to treat them with respect and kindness.
Finding relief
When my son was 6 months old, I asked the internet, books, and everyone I knew (including the mom in the grocery store) for their opinion on my latest parenting topic: sleep training. I was deciding what method to use and if this process was right for us. Once again, during playtimes, snack times, and bedtimes my brain spun out different scenarios until I was the one who needed the sleep training. I was exhausted and couldn’t parent this way for forever. So, next time I needed help, I asked a few trusted friends and family members who actually knew my son. I limited the information being thrown into my head and this turned out to be a much better way to go.
Becoming more aware of what triggered my overthinking gave me space to slow down the wheels in my brain. Then as time went on, and my confidence in my parenting skills grew, I found my overthinking to become less and less, too. Stepping away from the process of thinking all the thoughts has allowed me to discover parenting solutions right there in real-time with my kid. Dr. Yip encourages us as parents to do what we can to stay in the moment with our kiddos because, she says, “Your children want your time and your time means your individual connection.”
Read More From Tonilyn:
