The Grey Area: Julia Fine
The ‘grey area’ is the liminal space between career and family life—where ambition and possibility meet the sweet slowness of motherhood. In this series, we hand the mic to women we admire, asking them for details on how they mix creative pursuits with parenting.
When we discovered that author Julia Fine wrote much of her critically acclaimed novel, The Upstairs House, during her child’s naptime, we knew she was one of us. A modern take on Gothic horror, The Upstairs House finds a new mother grappling with two seemingly opposing identities–mom and academic–while also navigating life with two mercurial ghosts, one of which belongs to Goodnight Moon author Margaret Wise Brown. A three-time novelist (her latest is forthcoming in 2023), Julia generously shed some light on her creative practice, the rituals that sustain her, and how she keeps her work moving while care-giving for her kids full-time.
Where I Am in the Grey
Finding my footing: Before my son was born, I’d been adjuncting and doing my own writing, and once he was born it was immediately clear that going back to teaching college didn’t make any sense, either financially or for my personal fulfillment. I was in edits with my publisher for my first novel, and I had a deadline, so after about six weeks I dove back into that, and I’ve been in a space where I’m writing or promoting a novel while full-time parenting ever since.
At first it was a contractual obligation, but I also was scared that once my career momentum slowed down I wouldn’t be able to get it back. I’d watched my own mother leave a prestigious job and then struggle to get back into the workforce once her kids were grown, and in the back of my mind was always her professional experience. It’s fitting that the book I wrote after having my first child was about trying to find balance between motherhood and intellectually rigorous work. I was definitely grappling with the grey area while at the same time trying to keep myself out of it.
Partnership is key: Every so often my husband is in a situation where he can provide childcare during the workweek, but mostly it’s me. I used to write almost exclusively during naptime, but since the two kids have different schedules, I wrote most of my forthcoming book in the evening after they went to bed. Honestly the only reason this works is because my husband recognizes my creative work as work (it helps that we now have proof it can make money, but I suspect he’d support me either way).
We share household tasks equally, so while I’m the one cooking dinner, he cleans the kitchen. He does bedtime for our oldest. He’ll fold laundry while watching sports or vacuum while listening in on a conference call. We really have a true partnership where we both recognize that this is the season of our lives with little kids, and we’re both better parents and partners when we can help each other feel professionally fulfilled. If the baby falls asleep in the car and we know that’s going to be the day’s nap, he’s the one running my laptop out so I can work.
How I Trained My Brain to Toggle
Between Creative Work and Parenting
Tiny rituals: My oldest wouldn’t nap in the crib until around ten months old, so I’d had way too many hours driving around or running with the stroller or rocking him in a dark room while listening to podcasts. I was so ready to get back to work.... As I got deeper into drafting I could jump back and forth [between parenting and writing] pretty quickly, but at first I definitely had to train my brain. I had a specific candle I’d light. I had some photos hanging by my desk to set the mood. I looked at [writing] like going to the gym after a long time away–little by little you build the muscle back up.
A tip to maximize creative time: I decided I wasn’t going to do anything during naptime that I could theoretically do while my son was awake. So I’d leave the dirty dishes, the laundry, etc for later. This often meant they took significantly longer, but the trade-off was worth it. Having the time restriction on my writing forced me to be efficient with my time in a way I absolutely wasn’t with my first novel. Before, I’d mess around on social media or do “research”—anything to delay the actual start of writing. Once I had this 1.5-3 hour window I knew I couldn’t extend, it was almost a game to see how many words I could get in before he woke up. If I wanted to write this book–and I did–I had to jump right in.
With my new book, I knew I needed sustained time without interruption, so I wrote almost exclusively after bedtime… I absolutely can’t do any substantial work when my kids are awake. I envy people who can put out some toys or put on a TV show for the kids and actually get work done.
Creating flexibility and balance: I do a lot of the thinking through the book while doing day-to-day tasks: making beds, making dinner, walking to and from the playground. When I’m in the throes of it, any time my kids don’t need my full attention I’m likely thinking through a plot point or living in the world of my book. This obviously isn’t sustainable all the time, and that’s another key point.
My pattern has become four or five months on, then four or five months off. This makes novel writing more sustainable for me, but also for my family. They know they’re going to get my time and attention once I’m through with this draft, so they (specifically my husband) are cool with seeing less of me and eating dinner separately and sharing me with the book for a while. I also think this schedule is good for the work itself–I come back to a draft with new eyes, and new energy.
Having a Creative Outlet Makes Me a Better Mom
I feel like the writer-side of me is what makes it possible for me to get through the sundry moments of parenting. I’m more emotionally available to my family when I have my own creative outlet, and I enjoy my children so much more when parenting feels like a part of who I am, rather than the entirety. I’ve always been very driven, and I’ve always loved a challenge. It’s a question of “how am I going to make this work today” rather than “can I do both of these things.” I absolutely have moments of utter despair where everyone is running around screaming and the house is a mess and even Cocomelon isn’t helping. But I’m lucky to have a support system in place so there’s always someone I can call to commiserate. Even being on the phone with a friend while both our kids are screaming in the background helps me feel less alone.
The Little Things That Sustain Me
Coffee. So typical, but I’m miserable before I’ve had it, and it’s the only thing my kids won’t take and eat or drink themselves. When we can get the 5-year-old out of the house before the toddler wakes up, things run fairly smoothly. When they’re both up and running around, it’s chaos.
Early on in the pandemic I started doing this dance fitness YouTube channel called The Fitness Marshall that makes me look ridiculous but feel wonderful. I love a good relationship reality TV binge when I can find time for one.
Reading. I've read several forthcoming books that I'd highly recommend: the first is Strega, by Johanne Lykke Holm, translated from the Swedish by Saskia Vogel. It's about a group of young women who go to work at a remote hotel that has no guests—a modern gothic, folklore-infused phantasmagoric meditation on womanhood. Very strange and beautiful and wise. I also just finished Things We Found When the Water Went Down by Tegan Nia Swanson, which is just stunning and made me think about the act of storytelling in a totally new way.
My husband and I have slowly been making our way through [the TV show] Our Flag Means Death, which I find very sweet and funny, and has been a kind of balm as world events feel overwhelming.
Nixing family dinner. Feeding the kids at 5 p.m. on weekdays is a game-changer. I’ll either make dinner for all of us and the adults will reheat it later, or I’ll give them kid food or leftovers and cook or order something in for us. I was trying to do family dinner and with a preschooler and a toddler it was so stressful. Now, whoever is home will sit with the kids so we still have family time, but there’s less late afternoon whining and my husband and I can actually enjoy our meal.
