I Chose To Be An At-Home Parent, Am I Still Allowed To Complain?
When you think about common complaints, they are usually about things out of a person's control—a boss' temperament, a brutal heat wave or poor service at a restaurant. Let me say now for the purposes of this article, I am not including vulnerable shares following personal loss, illness or difficult circumstance under the umbrella of complaints. On the day to day little things, griping can be unproductive but on occasion it feels comforting to commiserate or have our partners or friends know what we're going through. As long as it's not your norm, the response is usually validating or supportive.
However, while the country grapples with big issues, I’ve been pondering my right to complain. Besides being in a safe place with people I love, in a state where freedoms are protected, and not wanting for anything, I got to choose this version of motherhood and work. I chose to construct my day-to-day to allow myself this time to have the privilege to watch my kids grow while nurturing work of meaning alongside.
When the first pandemic shut down occurred in 2020, I got in a habit of jotting down a gratitude list in my iPhone notes. On any given day that bullet list accounts for the basics (like our health) and the luxuries (like our home), and usually serves me to go into the day not taking any of it for granted. But by the end of day, after the mealtime battles and the sibling bickering have worn me in, and I have a mental ticker of items I didn’t get to for Mother Untitled or life admin, I feel stretched and longing for a shoulder to vent on.
In the workplace, after a long day, complaining is normal, it's relieving and it's a means to connect. So why in motherhood, can we not have that same right to share a bit of our reality?\
In the workplace, after a long day, complaining is normal, it's relieving and it's a means to connect. So why in motherhood, can we not have that same right to share a bit of our reality? Based on my own experience in toggling with the should I or shouldn’t I on complaining, I worry it will seem petulant in context of the resources we have, be misconstrued as a dislike for this stage of life, or worse, be met with advice on something I need to change. And the truth is there’s nothing I want to change unless you’re offering me an extra 12 hours a day and a magic cure for my kids’ tantrums—I just want to whinge for a moment.
I don't suggest constant negativity, but I am suggesting that even if we chose and love this role, just like our partners or friends who chose jobs that feel taxing, we can still have our tough moments. I'm not particularly good at staying quiet on the harder days so I usually share a little of my angst and my husband doesn’t say, "Well, you chose this,” he usually says something to the effect of, "I couldn't do what you do.” Better than a shoulder. And much more honest and true a conversation than if we'd thumbed through the highlight reel of photos from the day.
Ultimately, complaining doesn’t feel like a betrayal to my kids or an ignorance of my privilege, it feels like a truth that brings me closer to my partner and an acknowledgement of the real work raising children.
Ultimately, complaining doesn’t feel like a betrayal to my kids or an ignorance of my privilege, it feels like a truth that brings me closer to my partner and an acknowledgement of the real work of raising children. Bonus points if you share with a friend, because the occasional complaint is likely a relief for other women, and friends who are working through their own realities of this big, important work. Come to think of it, I might just stop calling it complaining and start calling it truth-telling.
Read More:
