Our Marriage is a Work in Progress

We grow up believing marriage is an end goal. But maintaining a fulfilling and joyful connection—especially as parents—takes daily work.

Marriage is a work in progress. Everyone’s is.

It’s one of the misconceptions I would most like to go back in time and correct among my 25-year-old self’s group of girlfriends. The misunderstanding being that marriage is in some ways the goal and the after part is passive security, intimacy, and joy.

After years of marriage, I feel so grateful to have those things and more, but it’s far from passive. My husband Dan and I work, sometimes tirelessly, on our partnership. It takes a heightened level of consciousness and commitment to treat another person—another person who was raised completely different from yourself—with respect and care and humor. To appreciate the way they live and love. To learn about them and ask from them and give to them.

Marriage after children is a special kind of adjustment. I think perhaps the most connected I felt to other mothers was in the months following having children, when we commiserated and consoled each other about the changes in our partnerships. The sudden unevenness, the scorekeeping, the shift in financial equality and more that came with this life change. It’s enough to throw any relationship off its axis.

In the years since I started Mother Untitled, I’ve cataloged some of my learnings on navigating the bumps in a marriage. What I discovered, looking back, is that the “rules” for a healthy partnership all really boil down to communication.

5 Marriage ‘Rules’ We Swear By

1. Don’t assume, ask

This applies to asking for what I need personally or for the kids. It equally applies to if Dan or I notice a shift or a comment and want to know what the intention is before we let it offend or aggravate the other.

2. Protect your own standards

I used to accuse Dan of a double standard often. Benign examples like that I wouldn’t mind him being a few minutes late while my lateness would ruffle his feathers big time. Until I realized it was on me to tell him I expected the same and/or hold him accountable to the things I cared about. And vice versa.

3. Speak kindly

Our words are so unbelievably powerful. We are so careful with them to strangers, on social media, in the workplace. But where they have the greatest impact is at home. We have the power to lift each other, to show care or simply maintain respect when we choose wisely.

4. Apologize quickly

If either of us inadvertently slip on speaking with kindness or in any other way cause hurt, we have learned not to challenge the other person’s experience and defend what we said or did. If they experience hurt that’s all that matters.

5. Ruthlessly prioritize each other

Sometimes prioritize each other over the kids. That last part was uncomfortable for me. But Dan constantly reminds me that our happiness and connection is good for everyone.

There are loads of other habits—over-communicating on scheduling, supporting each other’s self-care, recognizing and respecting our partner’s sacred relationship with their families of origin, saying thank you, actively listening—that have become just that, habits, with lots and lots of practice. Just listing all the things to be mindful of in marriage, can feel tiresome. But again, dear 25-year-old self, this isn’t supposed to be easy. But the work is worth it. And we are better for it.