Domestic Labor Is Labor. Here’s How We Shift the Narrative for Stay-at-Home Moms.

What will it take for our culture finally to value motherhood and domestic labor? Experts say it all starts at home.

If you’re a mom reading this, it’s likely you’re doing so while folding laundry, prepping dinner, and making sure your toddler hasn’t toddled off to decorate your bathroom in toilet paper. You’re doing all the things and the time and care you take in managing your household keeps your family’s life running smoothly. So, why is it the vital work you do inside can so often feel undervalued when compared to a job held outside? How can we step into a new era of support for moms who are getting it all done in the home?

Why Society Doesn’t Value Domestic Labor

“Generations before us, it was the mother's responsibility to stay home,” says Tiffany Keith, marriage and family therapy associate with Creative Family Counseling. She goes on to say this type of structure kept women from being invited or welcomed into the workplace. We don’t have to dig to too deep to find our roots in a patriarchal society—a social organization where the male has the power. So, even in today’s oh, so modern world where we moms can choose to stay home to raise our kids, this work is oftentimes expected. This presumption can diminish the value of the care we provide. 

The patriarchal undercurrent keeps flowing, when Megan B. Bartley, mental health and mindfulness coach, explains that there’s value inherent to maintaining an income. “In some cases, being the stay-at-home parent comes down to whoever can make the make the most money,” Bartley says. A Pew Research Center study, reports that in 2020 women earned 84 percent of what men earned according to an analysis of median hourly earnings of both full and part-time workers. The practicality of the male partner staying in the workforce can overreach any desire for feminist change. And so, for those marvelous at-home moms changing 1,800 diapers a year, their work can yet again feel unworthy when compared to an outside career. 

The practicality of the male partner staying in the workforce can overreach any desire for feminist change. And so, for those marvelous at-home moms changing 1,800 diapers a year, their work can yet again feel unworthy when compared to an outside career. 

Wanting to step out of her full-time job outside of her home, Destiny Mills had a very real conversation with her partner about how their household should run before starting a family. “I told him since I wanted to stay home, that I would take care of all inside household duties,” she begins, “and he said that he’d take care of all outside chores.”

Mills, the mother to a one-year-old, says their deal has remained intact since becoming parents. She does admit to feeling overwhelmed at times but attributes this to momming being so isolating and demanding. That’s why her partner taking an active role in valuing her work (which he does) is so important to her well-being. 

Feeling encouragement from a partner, friends, and/or family makes a difference in a mama’s mental health. Keith says it’s not uncommon for a mother to feel deeply undervalued if her work in the home is consistently minimized. “Everyone in the house becomes conditioned to expect you to be there, meet all of their needs, and consistently solve the problems,” Keith says. 

A recent survey showed that stay-at-home moms work an average of 98-hours a week, so if you’re feeling an imbalance in your workload when compared to your career-climbing partner’s or unappreciated on a regular basis, Keith and Bartley agree this can lead to feelings of frustration, anxiety, and depression. Bartley says these heavy emotions can build because the situation remains undiscussed. “A mother thinks, ‘He’s working and I’m supposed to be doing this,’” she says. So, a mom carries her load quietly and doesn’t ask for the help she needs and deserves.  

Madelyn Cerra, a mother of three children ranging in ages from eight to three years old, was aware that a shift from a career in nonprofit work to stay-at-home mom work would offer a new set of hurdles and rewards. “I was able to do great things in my career in my 20s, and I was comfortable leaving in my 30s to focus on a family,” says Cerra. This work includes managing three young kids, two senior cats, two big young dogs, and a tank full of fish. 

Become a Team With Your Partner

Cerra brings up how she and her husband have become a good team and part of this is due to his contributions during bedtimes, with the home exterior, and finishing up tasks once everyone is asleep. With this support, she still confesses to feelings of burnout but knows even with her husband’s busy schedule, he’ll show up when asked. “If I leave him a note or a list asking him to do something, he always finds a way to get it done.” Leaving that note or sending a text with a specific checklist for your partner is a way to set more comfortable boundaries and invite in some healthy appreciation.  

‘Re-examine your expectations… sometimes, you’re exhausted and clean is relative.’

For Mills, she and her partner have a safe space where they can be honest about their needs and concerns. “We have an amazing dialogue when it comes to managing our day-to-day life. If we didn’t, we would’ve crumbled long ago,” she says. So, if you’re ready to have that conversation about managing the household more fairly, Bartley suggests speaking from a gentle place using a “soft startup.” This is so your partner can better receive what you’re saying. She explains it like this: When you’re having a big conversation if you begin from a place of stress with your voice raised, this will make the other person defensive—which won’t be helpful. So, choose your timing and your words carefully, and it helps to begin with something positive. 

If your partner isn’t open or available to redefining responsibilities, Bartley says you can set new boundaries for yourself. “Re-examine your expectations,” she begins, “consider if your expectations are too high at this moment because sometimes, you’re exhausted and clean is relative.” And Keith wants to remind moms to be kind to themselves—which can look different for everyone. Mills takes time out to recharge and says, “Recently, I had a trip with my mom. I must have gotten 20 messages about how hard staying home is, how much I’m appreciated, and how valued I am for doing what I do.” 

When it comes to the value motherhood holds, it’s important to remember we moms hold power here, too. “I value myself and what I am doing,” Cerra says. Knowing the value inherent in our work is crucial. It lays the groundwork for those around us to acknowledge this truth—and gives space for the larger narrative to shift. “I am so thankful for a partner who sees how hard it is and makes sure I know I’m valued for what I do,” says Mills. 

Read More:

My Partner Was the At-Home Parent, Now I Am. Here’s the Difference

Editor’s note: This piece was originally published in May 2022. It has been updated for timeliness.