How I Escape Intrusive Thoughts & Manage Mom Anxiety

Modern motherhood is rife with anxiety. Here’s how one woman manages intrusive thoughts, fears, and mom anxiety.

It was one of those perfectly cool early spring evenings, when every single thing is so well aligned that you feel like you’ve stepped straight out of a ‘90s family sitcom. The breeze lifted my daughter’s curls from her forehead, as my husband held her hand and pointed out the rabbits in the grass. I could hear kids’ laughter as we strolled down the sidewalks, waving to neighbors mulching their garden beds. Somewhere nearby, a bird chirped a song of a thousand idyllic summers. 

But inside my own frustratingly active and anxious mind? There was a running list of thoughts that ranged from the mundane to the outright ridiculous, none of which was remotely idyllic: 

Did I leave the oven on? Oh, I hope we remember to wash our hands after the walk. What if we can’t get into that drama camp my daughter has been looking forward to? I don’t even work full-time; how am I dropping so many balls? And I forgot to call my mother today, like I said I would. Crap, I’m a bad daughter. Am I a bad mother too? That SUV is riding too close to the sidewalk. What would happen if a car jumped the curb right now? Am I fast enough to shove my daughter and husband out of the way? 

It was so crowded in my head—so cluttered—that I hardly had a chance to appreciate the beautiful, near-perfect moment right in front of me. 

My daughter turned around to glare at me. “Mommy! Why aren’t you paying attention?” Guiltily, I admitted I wasn’t paying attention to my family. It was so crowded in my head—so cluttered—that I hardly had a chance to appreciate the beautiful, near-perfect moment right in front of me. 

Looking into her crestfallen face, and also inward at my own self-induced turmoil, I knew it was time for a change. Frankly, I’d known for awhile. But for so long, I did not make the time to examine what was going on inside my own mind, that imperiled house of my thoughts—consumed as they were with mom anxiety.

What are the Symptoms of an Anxious Mother?

Often a symptom of stress and anxiety, intrusive thoughts are unwanted, recurring thoughts that appear without a specific correlation to what is happening in our actual lives. Many use the term “sticky,” to describe the way an intrusive thought remains in your mind, like taffy in your molars. Some compare them to the junk that accumulates in our kitchen drawers; meaningless, annoying, and plentiful. They can arrive in the form of words or vivid images, like in a nightmare. They range from smaller ones to thoughts that can be outright violent or disturbing, though not an indication of our true desires. Intrusive thoughts can reveal a fear we hold, or a buried shame from our pasts. Though people prone to anxiety or depression may experience intrusive thoughts more frequently, anyone is susceptible. 

As you can imagine, these kinds of thoughts can be common in parents who are tasked with the responsibility for little beings.

The word has made it into common parlance more often of late, with articles decrying the impossibility of functioning in a mind that cannot stop thinking. As you can imagine, these kinds of thoughts can be common in parents who are tasked with the responsibility for little beings.

Though intrusive thoughts are normal, the sheer volume of them can impact one’s functioning in or enjoyment of the world. Yet you can’t fight them off with steely swords of might. So what can we do? Overwhelmingly, experts say that the best way to cope with intrusive thoughts is by acknowledging them, and moving on. You do not want to give intrusive thoughts undue power and meaning, or pretend they don’t exist for danger of fixation. 

Easier said than done. 

In my home, my baseboards are filthy, but they are very low on my personal priority list this spring. During this season of change, I’m hoping for a different kind of spring cleaning. I want those intrusive thoughts of mine scrubbed, soaped, and wiped clean away. Here are three strategies I’ve been relying on to do just that.

3 Strategies for Easing Intrusive Thoughts & Managing the Anxieties of Motherhood

1. The Balloon Method

I’ve used this trick with other anxieties, and it’s a good visualization that works for kids with worries too. Sometimes, if I think something general and factually inaccurate (such as “I’m a bad mom.”), I imagine myself blowing a large balloon around the thought, surrounding it with hot air. I don’t ignore it, but I also don’t attach meaning to it. After all, it’s just a “junk thought.” Then, in my mind, I tie it off the balloon and release it into a wide blue sky, where it floats with hundreds of other balloons that I have no attachment or responsibility towards. To me, this visualization is a way of acknowledging the thought, without allowing it to dominate my mind or follow me. 

2. The Scream-it-Out Method

Sometimes, I replay something unfortunate I’ve said in a conversation, usually a way in which I’ve inadvertently hurt or offended someone I care about. No amount of apology releases me from the shame of it. What helps, though, is actually screaming out some of the anguish. This is, of course, best done while alone. I find my fluffiest pillow and shout into it, releasing as much shame as I can in the process. Then I try to get on to the hard work of forgiving myself. 

3. The Write It and Rip It Method

One of the worst things you can do for an intrusive thought is to allow it to define you. Even the most shameful thoughts are not realistic portrayals of your desires or goals. To give myself a tangible way to grapple with intrusive thoughts, I will often write them out on a slip of paper, then tear it up. Or, if I happen to be near a lighter, well—off it goes into an orange blaze of defeat. There’s something very satisfying about destroying an intrusive thought. It allows me to acknowledge it, then move on.

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A note from MU: If your thoughts are recurring to the point that it overwhelmingly impacts your life or prohibits your daily functioning, please reach out to a mental health professional for guidance. And if you’re experiencing thoughts of harming yourself or others, dial or text 988 to reach the national Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.