4 Parenting ‘Rules’ I Wish I Never Followed
by Alex Frost
Instead of approaching parenting as a daily learning opportunity, I had been subscribing to rules and expectations set forth by someone else. Here’s what I wish I had shed from the beginning.
Four children ago I had it all figured out: My baby was on a sleep schedule complete with an hour-long wind-down routine, including baby massage, bath, storybooks, specific sleep bags, and a perfectly crisp 68-degree environment for optimal sleep. Fast forward four kids and seven years, and things couldn’t be more different. And the deepest wisdom I’ve learned parenting my four boys, ages 7,5,3, and 1, is that I actually don’t have anything figured out, and that’s exactly how it should be.
Instead of approaching parenting as a daily learning opportunity, I had been subscribing to rules and expectations set forth by someone else. But who? A combination of years of conditioning, my own parents and the childhood I lived with them for better or worse, and good old social media teaching me what’s what through mindless baby naptime scrolling. But there are other sources of pressure we might not think of, says pediatrician Whitney Casares M.D., published author for the American Academy of Pediatrics and founder and CEO of the Modern Mamas Club.
“The expectations for parents also come from other parents, they come from the workplace, on parents to be stellar employees while also being stellar parents at the same time,” Dr. Casares says. “The most important thing to remember is parents can’t control a lot of those expectations and pressures that come from other places, outside themselves. They can control the expectations that come from within, and change the narrative within themselves.”
Through my four kids’ childhoods, I have been able to introspect and let go of some expectations that just weren’t “me,” and didn’t serve my family and my own mental and physical health. Here’s what I wish I knew to discard from the beginning.
1. Sleep when the baby sleeps
If someone approached you at, say, 10:30 a.m. and commanded you to sleep, would you pass out on the spot? No. This illustrates the straight absurdity of this recommendation, commonly imparted on new moms who are exhausted and getting few hours of overnight sleep. While it’s meant to give them permission to leave the laundry, dishes, work, exercise, showering, and more for later, it’s rarely successful. That’s because it typically takes more than 1 second to actually fall asleep, and as soon as you do, inevitably the baby wakes up and it all ends up being a massive tease.
Also, it discredits the validity that parents need other things—so instead of sleeping when the baby sleeps, just try to rest your body, and even your mind. Sitting on the porch alone with a fresh cup of coffee might have a similar effect as a crappy, interrupted nap. If anyone has anything to say about it, welcome them back at witching hour to hold your baby for you while you go to bed on time.
2. The living room is for sitting, and other “house” rules
If you entered my home right now, what would normally be the formal sitting room is an art station, a series of five cubbies with papers and backpacks strewn all over it, four plush reading chairs the size of toddlers, and a random tricycle. That’s because I use my house now, unlike years ago, for purposes that serve my family even if they are completely untraditional or unexpected. There’s a couch in my bedroom, because sometimes nursing sitting up is way more comfortable, and a toddler can read next to me, unlike a pretty bedroom chair. There’s a spinning bike in the upstairs bonus room/loft because I can direct kids back to their beds during nap, serving as the nap police while I exercise. I could go on—there’s a dog crate in the dining room, a kids’ art filing cabinet in the garage, and more. Your house is yours, for your family to make into what works best for them.
Similarly, I used to clean up for company. Now, I clean anything that is dirty, no longer picking up toys or completely clearing countertops. I refuse to remove the evidence that my kids use the house how they need to in order to have a fun, enjoyable, and complete childhood.
Your house is yours, for your family to make into what works best for them.
3. Mealtime battles—a proper home-cooked meal every day
That’s fine until it’s grocery day and leftover pizza with a side of fruit is more acceptable to me for a toddler breakfast than a bowl of sugary cereal. Instead of choosing battles with my kids over broccoli, peas, and other leafy green goodness, I put out their plates, and occasionally have Alexa explain to them the health benefits of spinach. But after that, if a kid has given it a go and truly can’t stand it (one of my kids is a “gagger”—if you have one too, you know what happens next), they are welcome to make themselves a peanut butter sandwich. I continue enjoying my food, having done my job (in my opinion), and they see food as an option, not a power struggle without making any additional work for me after I’ve cooked dinner for six people.
Dr. Casares says feeding is one of the most high-pressure areas parents overdo. “Parents have a lot of information coming at them …some sources say they should do baby-led weaning, some sources say that really choking is the number one concern…parents have a lot of information on how their choices and the first food they offer to their babies can cause lifelong issues…” she says.
4. My kids should wear event-appropriate clothes
Seven years ago, my baby had church and wedding-appropriate clothes. Maybe the pandemic lowered my standards, but now gym shoes are perfectly acceptable for all but the most formal events, and you can find my kids in their “Sunday best” wearing gym shorts, and a polo shirt, but at least their faces are clean and they are comfortable at church. This has taken some pressure off of dressing up and turned it back into a fun, optional event. Sometimes a kid will show up downstairs for a relative’s birthday party in a button-down and a bow tie, and I know it’s because they thought it would be fun, not because I made them.
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