The Introvert's Guide to Painless Playdates
by Thao Thai
Practical tips for managing playdate expectations while still maintaining your own reserves of patience and energy
Source: Charlein Gracia for Unsplash
When I was a kid, summer playdates began with a pounding on the front door, and a stampede of neighborhood kids peeking through, wondering if so-and-so could come run through the sprinkler for an hour or three. Not so anymore. Playdates these days seem much more structured and supervised, at least for younger kids. We have received some very sweet invitations slipped into my five-year-old’s backpack, charmingly misspelled with questions like, “Wan 2 ply?” and a scrawled phone number from a parent. I was grateful that my daughter had such good friends who wanted to spend time with her, but a small part of me also felt the familiar creep of social dread.
But I pushed through it, because I couldn’t bear the thought of my daughter missing out on the social opportunities that she so needed and wanted. After all, some of my favorite memories from my childhood were having my friends over to my house and sprawling on the carpet in a sugar-coma while chatting about nothing at all. Though I was at first reluctant at the idea of making small talk with parents who I might not have anything in common with, I’m surprised to say that, for this introvert, playdates have actually become a pretty fun social outlet for mother and daughter alike. It’s our way of being together, while still maintaining our independent relationships. And it’s actually not as hard as I thought it would be.
With caveats.
I may be relaxing (incrementally) back into a social life amidst the pandemic, but I’m still me, and even the most wonderful interactions with humans tend to sap me dry. So here are some thoughts on managing playdate expectations while still maintaining your own reserves of patience and energy.
Choose a Public Space
Playdates can be tough without the extra chore of readying your home for guests. For our first playdate with a new family, we like to meet at a park or play cafe. It’s neutral ground for the kids to make messes and run free. And if, for whatever reason, the playdate isn’t going the way you expected? You can make an easy escape without worrying about exiting someone’s house (or shoving them out of yours). I also like coffee shops with outdoor areas, so the parents can grab drinks while keeping an eye on the kids. A win for both of you!
Always Establish an End Time
Will the playdate be an hour long? Two hours? For introverts, having a definitive stop time can ease anxiety about the moment when you’ve had enough, but haven’t found a graceful way to communicate that. For me, it usually means a quick addition to a text, such as, “How’s 3-4 p.m.? That way, we can get on the road for dinner!” Parents are not only understanding about this time limit, but often welcoming.
For introverts, having a definitive stop time can ease anxiety about the moment when you’ve had enough, but haven’t found a graceful way to communicate that.
Don’t Try to Be Spontaneous
Coordinating kids’ schedules is hard, especially with extracurriculars, sibling nap schedules, and family events. I like to plan at least a week or two in advance for a playdate, unless I know the family well. That way, there’s something to look forward to, and we introverts have time to work up to socialization.
Schedule the Playdate Around Snack Time
A bowl of apples or goldfish crackers breaks up a playdate when the kids have exhausted their exploration of toys. Snack time adds structure for parents, too, since snacks give you something to do with your hands. Recently, I made a quick DIY sundae bar, using ice cream we had on hand, a can of whipped cream, and random sprinkles and chocolate chips. The kids had a blast, and the activity gave us all something to do (apart from the all-important playing, of course!). I also make sure to have some coffee brewing or tea ready for adults.
Source: Kelly Sikkema for Unsplash
Keep a Boredom Jar Around
Chances are, kids will have plenty to do during a playdate and will usually complain they haven’t had enough time together. But if you are in a situation where things start to lag, pull out the old boredom jar. I fill a mason jar with slips of paper on which we’ve written activities, like “Play Simon Says” or “Online drawing class” or “Make chalk rainbows.” The guest picks out a slip of paper with an activity to do. Kids love the surprise of a new activity, and the boredom jar is particularly handy on rainy days.
Relax the Rules
I cannot stress this one enough, as a bit of a perfectionist myself. Part of the difficulty (and learning experience) of being around other families is learning how differently they might do things. But a playdate is not the time to be rigid about the small stuff. Don’t play video games at home? Let it go at someone else’s house. Someone’s kid forgets to say thank you? Not your can of worms to correct. The great part about a supervised playdate is that you do not have to parent someone else’s kid. TBH, you barely have to parent your own.
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Here’s the good news: playdates have given me some wonderful parent-friends, ones that I text questions and memes to, ones who drop off muffins and volunteer to do carpool. We have become supports for each other, at a time when it’s quite hard to make independent friendships. And the playdates that aren’t so successful? The ones with awkward silences and clear value misalignments in parenting and life? Well, you can always politely beg off next time, and feel proud that you’ve given it the old college try. After all, if you play your cards right, a painful playdate is really just an hour of your life, and a reminder to hold tight to those who have endeared themselves to you.
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