We're in the Market for Unicorn Family Friends

by Neha Ruch

Photography by William Abranowicz for Bon Appetit of Lela Rose

When I did the Meyers Briggs personality assessment, I fell squarely between introvert and extrovert, which seems accurate as I can turn it on and enjoy the company of many but need time alone to reset. Meanwhile, my husband was a hard right on the extrovert spectrum and enjoys the energy of people around all the time. So, in a way, the pandemic took the pressure off, and I got to enjoy our cocoon, and he got more comfortable in the quiet without the burden of FOMO. There was a sweetness in that season, but two years later, we are all emerging with a fresh lens as to what we want in this next phase of family life.  

Our kids are older now and coming into the new year, my husband and I agreed that while our lives feel whole and happy, we longed for more community. While we each have beautiful circles of close friends individually, the suburban visions of cookouts while kids play in the backyard dance in our heads. We had this family fun dynamic once and considered it one of our most significant losses when the pandemic pushed our friends to return home to Australia. With these friends, we did park picnics and shared houses on holiday. Our littlest were babies and mouthed on the same toys, and our preschoolers bickered over paw patrol cars, but we were all on the same page enough to roll with it. Our husbands genuinely enjoyed one another. The four of us had in common a foundation of shared family values while also feeling comfortable enough to say just about anything without always being polite or even perfectly politically correct.

Last year, in a Q&A with Leah Fink, a Brooklyn-based women's leadership coach and friendship expert, she described this phenomenon of like-minded families pairing up as the unicorn family friends. Why unicorn? Well, they have to check many boxes. All adults need to enjoy each other, and kids should be close enough to play—hopefully nicely together. Parenting styles have to align generally, so when things go south, as they will, you're all on the same page about how to move on from it. And the families have to share enough lifestyle interests that you want to go to similar restaurants or even, holidays together.  

You have to start somewhere

So, where do we start on our quest to find this? It begins like everything. By starting. We're investing in our friendships more, as individuals and as a couple. We're baking into our calendar and our expectations that we each get a night a week to schedule an outing with friends. Getting into a habit of taking time away from the family unit is a practice and one that we've fallen out of touch with in pandemic times. The routine of putting the kids to bed and watching an episode of Yellowstone has grown so comforting that the idea of dressing up and gathering with a group can seem like work to start. But after a few weeks straight of weekly girls nights, I've gotten back into a groove of it. It's not the same group every week like I had in high school or college or maybe even imagined for myself now in adulthood in the city, but it's a growing collection of women from different corners of my life.  

Mix it up

On occasion, we're starting to open up our Thursday standing date night to a double date situation. We've talked about our diligence around date night before, and while we're historically protective of that time, we're following through on our new year commitment to open up our circle. Getting together as couples, of course, offers the opportunity to see who we click with in that unicorn family kind of way, but realistically, it also lets us feel more connected to our friends. One of my favorite bloggers on the topic of all things but especially love, Joanna Goddard, once wrote that the joy of double dates is that they let you see your partner with fresh eyes. So, adding a couple to the reservation freshens up date night, and it fosters our sense of family friendships. 

Bring the kids in

While we are out mingling more and nurturing new and old friendships, it's time to get the kids on board with this new, more social way of being. Our little ones were tiny during the pandemic, and it's left its mark on their appetite to meet new people. While both of them thrive in the structured school setting or on the playground with each other, they're both happy to be homebodies with us. It's no wonder since we asked them to be content close to home for two years, so we can't expect them to bust out of the cocoon with as much enthusiasm as two grown-ups who made a New Year's resolution about being more social. But, as we said, we just have to start somewhere.

So this spring, we intentionally signed the kids up for after-school group activities again to get them back into the flow of fun outside of our nest. As the weather warms, we're setting up small group play dates with their friends' families. They don't have to be melt-down-free or even a unicorn fit, but these play dates and double dates and girls' nights begin to offer something better—a feeling of rebuilding, blossoming friendships, and a growing community.   

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