How I Navigated Divorce as a Stay-At-Home Mom
By Jen Sinclair
Thirteen years ago, my first marriage ended in divorce while I was a stay-at-home mom. Here’s how I handled my finances, mental health, and re-entering the paid workforce.
No one gets married believing it will end. Regardless of how you get to that end, nothing will make you feel worse than not having the financial means to care for your children as a single parent. Being a non-income-earning spouse in a healthy relationship can be challenging enough. But when that partnership dissolves, you're left with plenty of panic and fear.
I know because I've been there. Thirteen years ago, my first marriage ended in divorce while I was a stay-at-home mom. In those dark times, I often wondered how I let myself become financially dependent on a partner who was historically not dependable.
Before I had our third child, I was a well-paid professional. After, though, the prospect of having two little ones in daycare would hit us too hard in the wallet, so I made the choice to stay home. As I stared down the barrel of divorce, it meant I was 100% financially reliant on my husband. (Editor’s note: MU has resources available that challenge the belief that at-home parents are the dependents in a partnership. Additionally, here’s our expert guide for achieving financial independence during a career pause.)
To feel so helpless during one of the most vulnerable and traumatic times—going through a divorce as a stay-at-home mom—sent me reeling into a depressive state. But I didn't stay there because I couldn't. I had to act to ensure that my children had a roof over their heads and food in their bellies. If you find yourself teetering on this precipice, know that with a little bit of planning and a lot of persistence, you will push your way through.
I Prepared Financially Before the Separation
My divorce didn't blindside me. I saw it coming. And while I did remain in denial about it longer than I should have, my brain took over at some point and directed my body to start doing things to prepare. I needed to get myself into a better financial situation before we separated, which for me meant building a bit of financial independence. I had a very plausible belief that once he moved out (and on), he would cut me off from our accounts.
I Prepaid Bills
He made the money, but I paid the bills. So, I sent extra money to the utility companies and prepaid our rent. Because I knew he would move out, I felt secure doing those things. It relieved some of the burden of knowing the kids and I would have our home without fear of eviction or the power being turned off.
I Started a Rainy-Day Fund
In the months leading up to the separation, I started getting cash back every time I bought groceries. When that wasn't an option, I grabbed a gift card. It was never a lot at once, but it added up and provided a nice cash cushion. This is something I've told other stay-at-home moms to do in that gray area of pre-divorce. Remember: Just because the paycheck isn’t in your name, doesn’t mean you haven’t earned that money. As a stay-at-home mom, you are undervalued in every single way. Don’t look at this as taking something that isn’t yours.
In the months leading up to the separation, I started getting cash back every time I bought groceries. When that wasn't an option, I grabbed a gift card.
I Went Off Social Media
Back then, Facebook was the only social media game in town. Before we separated, and for quite a few months after, I shut my page down. I didn't want to be tempted to air our dirty laundry because I needed to take the high road for the sake of our kids. And I didn't want to be bombarded on all sides with happy-family pictures from every direction. Nothing will make you feel worse about yourself than social media—especially when you're barely hanging on.
How I Handled Things After the Separation
I took our kids to the zoo the day my husband moved out. Only the oldest, who was 10, knew what was happening back at the house. The two younger ones were eight months and three years old. They would never remember a moment of our married life together.
In the days that followed, I got super depressed. I was hurt. I was broken. The adrenaline that had flooded my body while our marriage hung in limbo finally ebbed. When it did, the numbness it provided gave way to sorrow. And that eventually morphed into anger. I was plenty mad at him, but the easiest target in those days was me. I had 24 hours in a day to admonish myself.
Finally Feeling Better After the Divorce
Looking back, it's hard to pinpoint when I hit bottom. Baby steps led to big leaps. I remember sitting in a church parking lot late one night, crying alone in my car. It was then that I saw a banner strung on the fence for a divorce support group.
I returned on the night and time indicated. It was a free support group for people like me and some far worse off than me. It was a small group, probably six of us on any given night, but listening to their experiences did something. It made me feel better. It made me realize that I wasn't alone.
It was a small group, probably six of us on any given night, but listening to their experiences did something. It made me feel better. It made me realize that I wasn't alone.
Feeling a sense of camaraderie amid a brutal process is crucial to getting back in the right headspace. I got out of bed in the morning a little easier. I started rejoining the world of the living. I threw myself into self-help books, blogs and everything in between. I dove headfirst into research for how to improve my brain, my emotions, and, ultimately, my life.
I learned that divorce is a lot like the death of a parent or spouse in the emotional punch it packs. Even when divorce is the right decision, as it was for me, it will spin your internal compass until it feels like it won't stop.
I needed a lot of deprogramming to move forward instead of looking back. I was raised to be an independent woman by an independent single mom. I had to stop beating myself up for the missteps I took under the guise of love. And once I stopped my brain from working against me, things started to happen.
My First Post-Divorce Job
When things settled down, and we negotiated basic support payments, I started looking for a job before my rainy-day fund dried up and the prepaid bills came due again. I had skills—I was a paralegal for most of my adult life. But the demands of the legal field aren't for the faint of heart. I needed a lower-stress job.
I did the only thing that made sense. I pivoted. And I became a courthouse security guard.
Instead of heels and suits, my attire consisted of combat pants, steel-toed boots and a Maricopa County Court Services polo shirt. I traded in legal briefs and research for X-ray machines and a taser.
That job didn't give me much income, but it gave me something I needed far more at that time—my confidence back.
That job didn't give me much income, but it gave me something I needed far more at that time—my confidence back. It helped to stop my brain from wallowing. I saw people from all walks of life, and in those brief interactions, my empathy for others far exceeded my own self-pity and loathing.
In short: It was so cool. And so perfect.
However you end a relationship that no longer serves you, know that your life isn't over. Often, it's just beginning. You'll eventually get to a place where you don't just survive—you thrive. And you'll look back at all you went through, and maybe, just maybe, you'll help others get through it, too.
I'm here holding space for you, mama. I see you. I've been you. After the crashing comes the rising. All you need to do is keep going.
Read More:
4 Expert Tips for Achieving Financial Freedom as a SAHM
Jen Sinclair is a freelance writer and editor who lives with her husband, kids, and lovable mutt in Saint Augustine, Florida. She has recently contributed parenting and relationship essays to Scary Mommy and Insider in between working on novels and hiking around town with fellow WFWA writers. Find out more about Jen on her website, jensinclairwrites.com and her social media accounts @JenSin1313 on Twitter, TikTok, and Instagram.
FAQs
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Preparing financially for divorce is essential for stay-at-home moms who may not have independent income. Building a small emergency fund, prepaying bills if possible, and setting aside small amounts of cash can provide some stability during the initial separation period.
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As the default parent, stay-at-home moms often handle most of the childcare, scheduling, and household duties. During a divorce, this responsibility can feel even heavier, highlighting the importance of seeking support, both emotionally and logistically, to manage the changes effectively.
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Divorce is an emotionally intense process, especially as a stay-at-home mom. Finding a support group, seeking therapy, and staying connected to a trusted community can help with the mental strain. Taking time for self-care and building a support system is key to managing mental health.
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Re-entering the workforce can feel daunting, but focusing on transferable skills can help. Consider roles that offer flexibility if you’re still managing childcare. Look for job opportunities that suit your background or interests, even if they differ from past roles—building confidence in yourself is often the first step to finding fulfilling work again. Here’s how to job search after a career break, according to a career coach who specializes in helping women return to work.
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Consulting with a family law attorney can help you understand your rights, including financial entitlements, child custody arrangements, and spousal support options. Gathering financial documents and assessing your financial situation are also important steps before initiating a divorce.
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Establishing financial independence post-divorce starts with creating a budget and setting financial goals. Looking into part-time work or training programs can help generate income while balancing family responsibilities.
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Stay-at-home moms may face challenges like financial instability, social isolation, and difficulties balancing work and childcare. Building a strong support network, prioritizing self-care, and seeking resources for career training can ease this transition.
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Effective co-parenting requires open communication and consistency. Setting boundaries, sharing a calendar for important dates, and focusing on what’s best for the children can help establish a cooperative arrangement that benefits both parents and minimizes stress.
