Sarah Tupper | On What It Means To Mother Hard + Work Hard
by Neha Ruch
For anyone preparing for a pause or navigating the grey area of making space for fulfilling projects alongside a focus on family life - today's Q&A with Sarah Tupper is for you. Sarah left a career in events and food when the long hours did not lend well to family life. She offers words to the nerves of parting with a career and the self-discovery on the other side. I took plenty of notes on her experience that has followed in building Sarah Jane alongside. Specifically, on motivating yourself through the ruts, the art of calendaring, accepting that any day is full of stops and starts, and any week comes with a fair share of toggling. I'll let you jot down your own takeaways, but this gem from Sarah I'll be carrying with me into the weekend: "my work is not a race; there is space for everyone and everything important to me. I get the power to control my destiny and the way I configure my time and energy. That is something I don't take for granted."
1. In "meeting" you, I know you as an entrepreneur and mother but what was your career path prior and what shifts did you make to make room for family life?
My background is in event planning/wedding planning and food/beverage consulting; I was able to juggle the long hours, the 12 hour weekend days, and unexpected late-night calls/emails for quite a long time after I started my family. But I slowly realized that both the industry I was so passionate about and the managers/companies I reported to (mostly men) were unable to flex on both time and expectations based on my growing family and my need for more manageable hours and a better balance for my own mental health and the sake of my family's.
It was disappointing and disheartening but I listened to my gut and left my full-time career right before I gave birth to my third son about 5 years ago. I grappled with this deeply...would there be space for me later? Did I just kill my career with one move? Who would hire a mother of three kids? All of these unanswered questions I began to understand came from my fear of others' experiences and opinions about a mother's capacity for work and a deep resentment of the way society treats working mothers in this country. I should mention that I have a degree in Women's Studies so much of my questioning has come from the space of how we treat women in the workplace in general and it's disheartening to see how many women have experienced discrimination in this area. I had no paid maternity leave with either of my first two sons and was back at work before I had even begun to physically or mentally heal from the experience of bringing a baby into this world.
So I got to work; I decided to change my trajectory for both myself and my family and I started my own freelance projects with clients who trusted my ability to both mother hard and work hard. I created space in my schedule to both enjoy raising my sons AND take on projects that felt meaningful and fulfilling. And I wrote a business plan with a trusted friend (now my business partner!) for a company that I envisioned having the ability to be impactful in a new industry AND empower women.
2. Starting your own company alongside motherhood is exciting and can feel intimidating to some. What helped you get confident in taking the leap to start Your Sarah Jane?
The realization that if you wait for the right time, then it's already passed you by. I feel this deeply in both motherhood and entrepreneurship. There will never be the right time, when things feel peaceful and perfectly aligned, the universe doesn't work that way, at least for me! I didn't want to have any regrets and think about any "what ifs" and looking at my three sons growing so quickly, I knew there was never going to be perfect timing. My sons watch me work, they understand that I love them and my work deeply. That I believe that anything is possible and that if you are kind and try your best you will be at peace with whatever may happen.
Knowing that I wanted them to grow up to love everyone, be caring and empathetic, and empower women as men who believe in equality for all. They will be allies in this world and safe spaces for all humans and I try to model that in both my parenting and my work. I'm intimidated every day, but it's what we do with that feeling that matters. And when I get really intimidated working as a small start-up in a male-dominated industry, I think of Michelle Obama's quote about how she got over sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful, men - "You realize really quickly that a lot of them aren't that smart" ;) And truly wanting to put into practice our values and ideals when it comes to working mothers and true authentic representation of women in this unique industry when we have the opportunity to hire for Sarah Jane; helping lift women up is what drives me each and every day.
3. What does the week to week look like in making room for the business while also holding room to be home with three boys?
Chaotic! I am very lucky to have a loving and supportive partner, working in the startup cannabis space is a challenge. And I'm also incredibly lucky that we have family nearby (a reason we relocated from Chicago to Michigan) and reliable part-time childcare. But lots of toggling - logging on, then prepping lunch, on a call while kids have some reading time, then something action-packed like park or pool, dinner prep, and bedtime routine, then typically back on the computer to finish up. If there is one thing I've learned in working with and interacting with other mothers, it's that they are the ultimate multi-taskers and can manage a diverse schedule of projects and tasks.
I have the ability to compartmentalize both my time with my boys and my work time and for that skill I am grateful. It takes motivation and lots of stopping and starting, but I also repeat daily to myself that I will never get this time back and that life is not a race. My work is not a race; there is space for everyone and everything that is important to me. I get the power to control my destiny and the way I configure my time and energy. That is something I don't take for granted.
4. What tools or resources have been most impactful to you in setting up and managing a small business in this season of life?
My calendar is what I live by; everything is color-coded for either work or child-specific activities, I use a project management software, as well as manage daily lists of both kid activities and work to-dos electronically and the old school way (by notebook and wall calendar!). Having a business partner who is also a mother really allows us to be able to tag-team items on deck for the week and to be specific in asking why - "Why does this have to be a meeting?" "Can this be a call?" "Is this important to our next steps right now or can it wait?" "Can you take this one today, my kids have a swim meet?" It allows us to focus on the big picture and not sweat the small stuff so much. And be forgiving because life happens to everyone. I have a deep empathy that comes from being a mom. Need to cancel a call with me because of a family emergency? I get it. We understand.
5. As you know, I am a big advocate of women being transparent about help to lessen the stigma - what has your village looked like at different periods in recent years?
My village flexes but my core group has stood steadfast for years as we've all navigated some of these changes together. I have "work mom friends" that can offer support or a listening ear when something is challenging at my company. I have "college friends" that have gone through every phase of adulthood with me and are both stay at home moms, working moms, and somewhere in between; they offer me so much foundational support to remember who I am and how far I've come and remind of so many parts of myself as I've grown and evolved. I have my mom who is handy and helpful and can really support me in her role as grandma to my sons, I have my entrepreneur and networking village that offers advice and support on ideation and project ideas, ask me tough questions which helps guide my intuition.
I'm just now getting into the village of the kid intro "this is my mom" and being introduced to other moms of kids my sons are forming relationships with which feels fun and exciting to meet new women (I'm an extrovert!). I'm also the one who has learned the hard way that if you need help you ask. If I ask for someone to car pool for a sports camp because I have a meeting, I need help and it's given. If I'm feeling anxious about household tasks or to-dos on my list, I talk to my husband about a more equitable division of labor.
People don't know you're drowning and there's no award for that kind of hero in this space. Let's normalize feeling overwhelmed and doing something about it. It's so hard, so rewarding, and so challenging each and every day.
Quick Chit Chat:
+ Product you'd gift every mother: Meal delivery, house cleaner, and the Nose Frida snot sucker ;)
+ Most meaningful advice/learning: There is no such thing as work/life balance, balance doesn't exist. It ebbs and flows, up and down, and some days you just ride the wave and wait for the tide to change.
+ 3 Instagram accounts that inspire you:
@Morganharpernichols always has such beautiful sentiments that seem to perfectly capture feelings
@Acalltomen and their mission to create a world where men and boys are loving and respectful and women are valued and safe
My cheetah, @glennondoyle who always reminds me that we can do hard things
You can follow more from Sarah on Instagram or web.
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