6 Things I've Learned That Made Me A Happier Stay-At-Home Mom
By Neha Ruch
Creativity is a big word isn’t it? It’s daunting, like entering a studio and being given high-end paints and asked to create something beautiful. I can feel a surge of imposter syndrome any time I call myself ‘creative.’ I even feel a bit prescriptive offering it as a tool for time-starved mothers. So as we wind down March’s theme of investing in creativity, I want to share what making room for it taught me and gave me in motherhood and why I think it is universally empowering in the Untitled Chapter:
Creativity Looks Different To Everyone
I haven’t learned to use water colors or needlepoint or tie dye or bake or arrange flowers (though the last one’s on my list). But several of my friends and many of the women in the Untitled community have.
For me, creativity means scouring Pinterest and putting together a board for a home I don’t have. Guilty. Or reading magazines and ripping colors and words that speak to me—even if I have 5 different vision boards that I never quite finish. Or writing a few sentences a day. Or browsing Etsy antique stores for collectibles to style new corners.
Whether it’s needlepoint or styling your home or yourself, friends mutually agree on the cathartic feeling of working with your hands and, dare I say, having fun.
Moms Need Breaks & Play Too
When I was single and working in advertising, I would travel and journal and collect tchotchkes to zhoosh my little apartment. When my days were so entrenched in meetings and strategy decks that often took months, if not years, to translate to anything tangible, those moments away—watching people, finding objects, and moving things around my space—felt luxurious, warm and again, fun.
In motherhood, I found more realness and tangible impact than I personally had in the workplace and maybe that’s why I have loved it so. Equally though, I wanted something for myself.
In motherhood, I found more realness and tangible impact than I personally had in the workplace and maybe that’s why I have loved it so. Equally though, I wanted something for myself. While I did and still do find the moments pretty special even in the ordinary-ness, I wanted space to not just do but to actually tinker.
It’s a way to get out of my overthinking head by doing something tangible and feel like I’m still investing myself—even if that’s in varying amounts.
When To Actually Create With—Or Without—Paid Help
In my first year at home, I started writing about women I was meeting and ideas and conversations I was tripping up on—during nap-times and evenings, outsourcing cooking to my husband and keeping cleaning to the bare minimum. That meant I ignored laundry to type something that was on my mind. I let the toys accumulate. I brought in a cleaning lady once every other week, but generally speaking my home did not return to good order until after bedtime. And I accepted that that was what had to give to allow me space for this other thing.
When we brought in a babysitter two days a week, that allowed me more room again and I loved block-scheduling creating for that time. I still do. That let me take a creative outlet and expand it to this platform. I say this because I don’t think running a multi-channel social media platform should be the expectation of creativity. In fact, I don’t think there should be an expectation besides enjoyment. Especially so if you don’t have structured time to invest in it.
When MU became not only my passion and project but my work, I think I wanted something again—just for myself. I revisited my old creative outlet in designing my space. Which happened to coincide squarely with buying a gut renovation project. Which is when I realized this next biggie.
Kids Respect Your Time
I have this picture of Lyla in the little corner of our old master bedroom, looking at my swatches strewn about and playing with tape while I matched wallpaper with headboard fabric.
The renovation was consuming, but in the best of ways. At first it gave me an outlet during the postpartum period and eventually pushed me to leave my kids again—not for long periods, but for a couple hours here or there. And they understood and appreciated that I was taking that time. To this day, I get specific when I tell them what I’ll be doing, whether it’s during periods of help when I have my two days or previous periods of no help when it was more like 20 minutes. I show them what I’m working on or creating and even if it’s doodles, a mood board, or a little video for social media, they register it and respect it in the same way I respect their art and building.
Creativity of this kind isn’t for everyone—in fact it might be at the bottom of your list when you think about what you would do with an hour of time, but taking the time to try things might just be a self-care that makes the cut.
Invest In What Serves You
During 2020, when the village evaporated and grandparents and babysitters became unavailable, my windows of time shrunk, which became a forcing mechanism to edit out anything that I didn’t think was necessary for my well-being. My non-negotiables for myself became meditation and movement and at least 30 minutes of reading and writing and creating content for social. Creativity of this kind isn’t for everyone—in fact it might be at the bottom of your list when you think about what you would do with an hour of time, but taking the time to try things might just be a self-care that makes the cut.
Letting Go Of Guilt
Creativity is among the things that generations prior might write off as millennial wanderlust. They may roll their eyes thinking, “When we were young, we had bigger priorities.” But this is where we are now. And I won’t let old school thinking take away our right to design lives we love and model that for the next generation.
The other side of this coin is privilege. So often in this community I hear the undertone of guilt. The quick caveat, from me especially, of “I know I’m lucky to…”. Yes, much of this conversation comes with that heavy caveat always. There is a privilege in intentionally creating a life that aligns with your interests, your needs, your family’s needs. But from experience, I’ll share the only thing that does a disservice to everyone is wasting that gift on guilt. We can have deep conversation on how to each uniquely use our privilege to help mothers with less, but we can do that along with embracing our own as a gift and making the most of it on our lives.
So if you have the ability to invest in yourself—to make room for yourself, in whatever capacity—this month was to encourage you to DO it. Go beyond work and family and find what gives you peace or fun and actively allow yourself room for that. Because that lights you up and ignites the next generation to do the same. And that is really important stuff. It’s not frivolous, it’s not wasteful—it is really beautiful, powerful stuff that lets you be powerful in this chapter too.
Which of these resonates with your experience in this chapter? What would you add to the list?
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