I’m Giving Up On Family Dinners. Here’s Why & What We’re Doing Instead.
By Lizzie Goodman
When family dinners meant more stress in our home, we abandoned them completely. Here’s how we make it work—without losing that critical bonding time.
There is something about the buildup to dinnertime that releases a distinctly feral energy in our home. One evening, my 3-year-old cruised by the kitchen island, grabbing a fistful of meatloaf out of the pan and hightailing it out of sight, flinging crumbs as she ran. The week before, I returned from the bathroom to find my little one at the counter, head tipped back as she gnawed on the end of a freshly baked loaf of bread.
I know full-well what you’re thinking: don’t these parents ever feed their kids? And I promise you, we do. But no matter the amount of belly-filling snacks we ply them with, my daughters are ravenous by 5 p.m. To keep the peace, my husband and I have tried a number of setups, often eating earlier and finding ourselves starving by bedtime.
In the end, the smartest, gentlest solution for all was to give up on shared dinners altogether. Here’s how we make it work—without losing that critical bonding time.
Meet the Expert
Sofia Mendoza, LCSW: A licensed clinical social worker in Long Beach, California.
The Promise of Family Dinners
For years, I’ve been determined to gather around the table nightly—sometimes to the detriment of my mental health. After all, the benefits of shared family meals are plentiful and well-documented, ranging from a stronger bond to a lower instance of substance abuse in kids later on. Pretty serious stuff, right? Of course on the flip side, researchers have yet to produce a study on the effects of chasing your meatloaf-wielding child from room to room. So, there’s that, too.
Kidding aside, when I stepped back to consider the evening mood in our home, I recognized a pattern setting in: Our nights went downhill at dinnertime, buzzing with anxious energy as we juggled meal prep and hungry children.
When we finally decided to let the idea of shared family dinners go, a feeling of profound relief took hold. My daughters would stick to their early mealtime, and my husband and I would enjoy an easy dinner after they’d gone to bed. No sibling bickering. No picky-eater negotiating. No kids in frustrated tears.
Forget the Clock
But still, I worried that in choosing the path of least resistance, we were losing something irreplaceable and meaningful—that sacred time together that was built into the end of each day. So, instead of battling one another to get dinner on the table, we opted to try out family breakfast in its place.
We keep the menus simple, oatmeal, fruit, and coffee—choosing instead to put our energy where it truly matters—each other.
And as it turns out, there’s nothing particularly magical about dinnertime. Sharing a meal and conversation as a family is just as valuable in the morning as it is at night, hour of the day be damned. Now, on most mornings, my little family gathers sleepy-eyed for breakfast. We keep the menus simple, oatmeal, fruit and coffee—choosing instead to put our energy where it truly matters—each other.
While swapping shared mealtimes may not be anything new for many, for a rule-follower like me, the idea was nothing short of revolutionary. Ever the internalizer, I realized I often confuse guidance for gospel, forgetting that there is a well of peace in choosing to forge our own paths and decide what’s best for our own families. So if the dinner hour is more stress than connection in your home, take a cue from me: prioritize your own peace and find another pocket of time to share a meal and catch up with your little ones.
3 Substitutes for Bonding Over Family Dinners
If slowing down and bonding with your kids over a shared meal isn’t feasible, don’t stress. There are plenty of ways to connect and be present together—no meal required. The key is to be consistent about building this time into your family’s routine so that you can reap the benefits of that daily touch-base. After all, if there’s any magic in meeting around the kitchen table, it’s that eating is something that must happen every day.
When you do connect, opt for open-ended questions, advises Sofia Mendoza, a licensed clinical social worker. These questions gently encourage kids to open up and share, instead of shutting down the conversation before it even starts. So, instead of catching up on your child’s day by asking, “How was school?” you might try something like this: “What made you smile at school today?” Mendoza also says that any time you can incorporate a sense of playfulness into your conversations with kids, the better.
If you’re nixing family dinners and would like to build in pockets of bonding time elsewhere in your family’s day, consider one of these options:
Morning Snuggles: I’m a big fan of morning snuggles, especially during the summertime when our days are slow and malleable. But even during the school year, nudging little ones awake just a few minutes earlier gives you time to ask about their dreams, talk about exciting things coming up for the day, and share that you’re happy to see them.
After-School Walks: Whether you pick your little ones up on foot, or you fit in a walk together once they hop off the bus, dedicating some time to strolling together allows for ample opportunities for conversation and connection. Mendoza likes to fit in moments for mindfulness, and observing your surroundings together can be the perfect opportunity to tune in together. You can start with your five senses, Mendoza notes, paying attention to what you see and hear as you pass by.
Bath Time: If your kids are still small enough to need supervision in the tub, using this time to boost your bond can do wonders. It’s a great time to be silly together, while also catching up on the ups and downs of their day.
