There's So Much Small Talk in Motherhood—Here's How to Master It
by Maylin Tu
Confession: I hate small talk. As an inveterate introvert, it makes me break out in a cold sweat. Especially when talking to strangers, I get that deer-in-the-headlights look that makes things awkward for everyone involved—“Am I supposed to say something? What do I say? Oh my god, I’m making it weird.” But even though I hate it, I realize I've missed out on so many positive moments of connection with other people (especially after spending a year and half avoiding them).
But here's a secret they don't teach you in school: Small talk is a skill that you can grow and develop with practice. Just because talking to other parents at pickup or the cashier at Trader Joe’s makes you want to curl up into a ball and hide doesn’t mean it always has to be that way.
Yes—you too, can get better at small talk.
I talked to three communication experts about how to make small talk more playful and less painful for everyone involved. Whether your goal is to make friends, network for your career or business, or make the preschool pickup line just a little less daunting, read on for actionable steps you can take today.
First, get your head right
If you hate small talk, you are not alone. But maybe it’s time to rethink this dreaded form of social interaction. According to Georgie Nightingall, Founder of Trigger Conversations, a human connection organization, small talk is the necessary gateway to meaningful conversation:
“If you can learn how to harness small talk, it's like a super secret weapon, because it means that you can learn how to effectively build trust with complete strangers in seconds or minutes.”
If you can learn how to harness small talk, it's like a super secret weapon, because it means that you can learn how to effectively build trust with complete strangers in seconds or minutes.
You don’t need a lot of time to make a connection. In fact, you might only need 15 seconds.
Jen Mueller, a TV and radio sports broadcast journalist and founder of Talk Sporty to Me, knows a thing or two about working in 15 second increments. As a sports reporter talking to athletes, she builds relationships “one word and one sentence at a time.”
So, how can you harness the power of those 15 seconds to a few minutes?
How to start a small talk conversation
Here’s an unexpected piece of small talk advice from the experts: Do your homework. Know what you are going to say before you say it. Yes, conversation is spontaneous and improvised, but having a few small talk starters up your sleeve will boost your confidence.
This could be as easy as taking a few seconds to notice the weather, “Wow! It’s so nice outside today” or “I can’t believe it’s been raining for an entire week.”
Practice what you’re going to say. Seriously. Say it out loud, to yourself. It’s what the pros—like Jen Mueller—do every day.
Foolproof Tips for Easing In
1. Tag Questions: For a simple strategy, Courtney McCann, a communication coach for STEM professionals (and full disclosure, also a friend of mine), recommends using a tag question. A tag question ends with a “tag, you’re it” for the other person. For example, try “It’s nice out today, isn’t it?” or “This cake looks delicious, doesn’t it?”
“That agreement, for some reason, makes us more willing to chat a little further because we started on the same page,” she says.
Tag questions draw on shared space, or what you and the person you are talking to already have in common. Think about all the things you already have in common with fellow parents or the people at your co-working space. Start a conversation around shared experiences and observations.
2. Canned Answers: Another tip for being prepared: Always have an answer prepared for the question, “How are you?” Mueller sees this as a key opening to share something personal and relatable about yourself.
“If I don't have a good answer ready for an athlete when they turn that question around and ask me how I'm doing, they'll just walk away.”
Instead of following with “Fine, how are you?” say something about yourself that the other person can respond or relate to. This can be one sentence that you prepare in advance.
Instead of following with “Fine, how are you?” say something about yourself that the other person can respond or relate to.
“If I say, ‘You know what, I'm awesome. I'm ahead of schedule on my game prep and I gave a great presentation over lunch,’ whether they asked me a follow up question or not, I just became human to them,” says Mueller.
3. Be Real: If you want to get better at small talk, you’re going to have to give the other person something to work with—and it doesn’t have to be positive. You can share your struggles too.
Maybe you’re having a rough day and it’s OK to say that: “My baby screamed for 10 minutes straight today and that was before I’d had my coffee.”
Especially as parents, sharing the hard things about parenting can be a way to connect. Think about it this way: you might be helping someone else feel less alone.
How to keep the conversation going
Okay, so you came prepared. You had an answer to the question “How are you?” that was funny or honest or interesting. But how do you keep the conversation going?
For McCann, the answer is simple: “Ask a question back.”
Rather than following a script, lead with curiosity and ask follow up questions that show you are genuinely interested in what the other person has to say.
“It will give off a particular energy towards the person,” says Nightingall, “And they're more likely to then share more meaningful things.”
If you’re looking for specific questions that break the script, here are a few alternative questions that Nightingall recommends as alternatives to the dreaded, “What do you do?”
What’s keeping you busy recently?
What have you become curious about?
What was the most surprising thing that happened this weekend?
You can apply this same strategy to answering questions. Instead of following a script, tell them a story about how your day is going, talk about a hobby or interest, or riff on something you saw on the way to school or work.
What if it’s awkward?
Here's something else I never heard growing up: Small talk can be awkward for everyone—yes, even for extroverts. But that’s okay.
Small talk can be awkward for everyone—yes, even for extroverts. But that’s okay.
“I just completely name the awkwardness because as soon as you name the elephant in the room, it disappears,” says Nightingall.
Lean into the awkwardness. Name the awkwardness. Move on and talk about how you dressed up your cat as Ted Lasso for Halloween.
“Because if you have the confidence to name the discomfort, one, it relieves the discomfort, and two, it shows that you're socially aware,” she explains. Trying to make contact with other human beings can be messy and awkward, but in the end, we’re all just trying to connect. So be messy and let yourself mess up.
McCann suggests using an awkward moment to your advantage:
“Just saying it: ‘Small talk isn't really my thing. This just got weird.’ You know, people laugh about that. And then they can have a conversation about that.”
How to end a small talk conversation
Okay, so you started the conversation and you kept the conversation going. Two gold stars for you! But how do you end the conversation? This one can get tricky, so always give yourself an out.
One way to do this: Adjust your stance. Use your body language to signal that it’s time for the conversation to end. Also, pay attention to the body language of your small talk partner. If they shift their weight from sitting to standing or turn away from you, take that as your cue that the conversation is ending.
McCann has a go-to, simple method for ending a small talk interaction. Memorize this formula for the easiest exit strategy:
Pivot word + short phrase that moves in the direction of the next thing you are doing:
“You start with a pivot word like, ‘alright,’ ‘well,’ ‘okay, then.’ And that pivot word means, oh, we're finishing this up. And then saying, ‘I guess I should get going, or ‘I guess we should get going,’ or ‘It's been good seeing you. I'll let you get back to what you were doing.’”
Signal clearly to the other person that you are ending the conversation and they might melt with gratitude.
But what if you want to make a friend?
Small talk is great for building a connection in small increments over time. But what if you decide you want more?
Nightingall has some great advice for moving beyond the small talk stage with a potential BFF: Just do it. Take a risk. Ask them out for coffee or suggest a playdate with your kids.
Who knows. This could be the start of a beautiful friendship that all started with small talk.
“Everybody you know in your life started as a stranger at some point,” as Nightingall points out. “You just don't know what someone's like, until you talk to them.”
Read More:
I’m a Better Mom When I’m Working—Here’s How I Found Acceptance
Maylin Tu is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles.
