Clear Boundaries With Kids Are My Best Self-Care Tool
by Neha Ruch
I learned to set firm, clear boundaries with my kids—and it’s the best thing I’ve ever done for my own headspace
Source: Unsplash
Parenting styles and all the names for them are an ever-evolving buffet of choices that can feel paralyzing. Am I a helicopter parent or a drone parent? Am I in the respectful parenting camp or the conscious parenting one? Ultimately, labels aside, we all come to realize this care-giving game is about following your intuition on what feels authentic to you and who you want to be as a parent.
For Dan and I, we subscribed to child-led for a long time. But here’s where I got confused—child-led does not mean child-gets-away-with-everything. Respectful parenting does not mean no discipline. I may have let a 2-year-old Bodie get away with pulling my hair or standing on tables or wandering at mealtime a bit too much. And it took until he was 4 and we were in a pandemic and I had another toddler in tow to learn that limits are an asset for everyone. Child and parent alike.
Let’s take mealtime as an example from a couple years back. My children started acting out their wish for control at mealtime. This is what that looked like: I put roast broccoli, chicken breasts, and couscous in front of my then 4-year-old—favorite foods up until last week—and he would wander, protest, and straight-up refuse to eat. A 2-year-old Lyla thought this looked like an interesting test and followed suit. I was starting to dread dinner and leaning on a bad habit of switching out the vegetable and meat for other requested options. Then I would promptly pour myself a glass of wine. I quickly realized that I was drinking far more than usual!
… limits are an asset for everyone. Child and parent alike.
I knew in my heart I wasn’t going to last if this continued. It’s kind of like that moment for parents of 4-month-olds who decide sleep deprivation is no longer a way to live. I announced one night that I had two simple rules: I wouldn’t make another option and I would trust that they would eat what they need to eat, but they wouldn’t get dessert unless they ate protein and vegetables. I think they maybe tested me that first and second night, but when they, namely my older one, saw I wasn’t budging, the protesting just stopped. Like cold turkey.
In an effort to lovingly care and “respect” my kids’ wishes, I was scrambling around the kitchen like a short order cook. But the thing is, kids want to know rules and limits and ultimately to feel safe in the care of their grown ups. And as their grownups, having clarity on limits helps me get to that place of calm in chaos. Feeling clear on appropriate and relevant and loving limits, and in some case consequences, are the tools that help me stay in control of situations and of my own headspace.
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