How to Answer the Dreaded ‘What Do You Do?’ Question During Your Career Pause

Identity shifts are tough. Here’s how to side step self-doubt when talking about your career pause.

Sometimes, I miss having a business card. A lightweight accessory that somehow carries so much weight in American culture.  

Over the course of the four years since I downshifted and then paused my career to lean into family life, it took me at least one full year to perfect my answer to the inevitable, “what do you do?” In speaking with loads of other women and friends who have adjusted their careers when they became moms, the question seems to be a universal stumbling block. In the early days, it’s a moment when suddenly self-doubt and self-consciousness can rear up and you come head-to-head with the shift from your previous work identity to your new one.

For my first six months, I would start with a history of what I used to do, almost to offer credibility. Then, I’d over-explain my choice to focus on my family. Finally, I’d get to my side project only to be cut off by the buzzer. Only after trial and error and settling into my own confidence in this chapter did I land on, "Right now, I get to be mostly with my kids and I run a platform empowering women shifting or pausing work for family."  

A friend asked if I'd feel as confident if I didn't have a side project, but the two are entwined for me. To me, that is the nature of the modern stay-at-home/freelancing/entrepreneurial mother—the gray area where you can be focused on family and also growing, exploring, and connecting. It’s OK to say ‘I’m home with my kids. Period.’ But in this new era of stay-at-home motherhood, it’s also OK to say ‘I’m at home with my kids and…[insert any of the following] taking an online course, helping my partner with his/her/their business, renovating our home, doing volunteer work, figuring out what comes next.’

If you’ve just recently downshifted (or are thinking about it for the near future), and the idea of explaining yourself makes you uneasy…take a deep breath. You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone. But if you’re looking for ways to make small talk feel more comfortable during this phase, here are some tips—based on my experience and the advice of two trusted career coaches.

Meet the Experts

• Anne Welsh, Ph.D.: Psychologist and executive coach specializing in issues related to motherhood and working parents.

• Ayanna E. Jackson: Career and leadership development coach. 

A Cheat Sheet for Navigating Small Talk After a Career Shift

1. Give Yourself Grace 

It’s OK that the question “so, what do you do?” might make you uncomfortable at first. “Becoming a parent is one of the more life-altering transitions that we go through. Any transition involves re-evaluating our values and sense of identity,” says Anne Welsh, Ph.D., a psychologist and certified leadership coach. Remember that a career pause is as much for you as it is for your kids. Allow yourself to have the time and space to explore new sides of yourself and figure out what’s next. “Seeing a career pause as a season can help us be in the moment…” Dr. Welsh says. “A break can allow for more presence.” 

2. Own Your Choice to Stay Home With Your Family

I own my choice and avoid over-explanation. In my case, I follow “Right now” with “I get to be home…” because for me, it's a privilege and a choice to have this flexibility. There’s positivity and empowerment that comes through in that. Choosing to pause your career for motherhood does not mean you’re not ambitious. Read that sentence again—it’s an important one!

Choosing to pause your career for motherhood does not mean you’re not ambitious. Read that sentence again—it’s an important one!

So many of us have “absorbed a message that our achievements are what make us of value,” Dr. Welsh says. “You are a person. You are now a mother. You are of value. Full stop. Perhaps you are not currently ambitious for the sake of ambition or the gold star at work right now.” Ambition can take a lot of forms throughout the chapters of your life. Being a present parent is an incredibly ambitious goal. 

3. Remind Yourself That the Pause Is Powerful 

A career pause can sometimes feel like a waiting period. But just as your kids are learning and growing while you’re spending this time with them, so are you. “As a new parent, you have to make enormous strides in reading and regulating emotions, and communicating them. These are all of those ‘soft skills’ we often speak about contributing to excellent leadership. Any parent knows that we often don’t have time to waste and that patience is the name of the game. This is true of getting a toddler to do anything, and is true of growing a team or seeing through a complex task at work,” says Dr. Welsh. 

4. Keep It Short When Describing What You Do

I keep my word count to a minimum. The first few times I walked everyone through my decision-making to pause. No need. Follow up questions will come, or not, but word vomit isn’t a good look. Remember…you don’t have to defend your choice to stay at home. “Your career break should be as long as you need to get the stability in your ‘life space’ that warranted the break in the first place,” says Ayanna E. Jackson, a career and leadership development coach. 

We lift all women in the gray area of pausing or downshifting when we own the choice to make room for family for a chapter.

And if you’re thinking about going back to work at some point, remember that you can speak to your career pause as a benefit. Jackson suggests having a few stories and lessons in your back pocket so you can speak to them in an interview, explaining how your career pause will make you a stronger employee. But also make sure your return to work is for yourself and your family…and not for the outward perception of having paid work. “Don’t start your return to work process by immediately scanning career boards. Get clarity and be able to articulate exactly the type of work that’s suited for you and what you want to do.”

It can be easy to resent the question, “what do you do?” being entwined in the social fabric of American culture. While it may feel intimidating to answer that in a way that’s different from what you’ve previously been used to, I can tell you it would be a hundred times worse not to be asked at all. We lift all women in the gray area of pausing or downshifting when we own the choice to make room for family for a chapter. It doesn’t come with a business card but we all know the motherhood chapter carries weight.

Editor’s note: This article was first published in 2021. It has been updated for timeliness.