Where To Find Mom Friends, According to Research

New research shows us exactly how to make fellow mom friends, and like everything in parenting, the details may surprise you.

When you become a mom, you know there will be thousands—if not millions—of moments that challenge and perplex you. You’ve been warned about the poor sleep, the spit-up that lands in your hair, and even the self-doubt that pops up when it’s time to make a big parenting decision. Those are the moments when it feels good to talk or text with someone who understands—fellow mom friends who can offer support and a good laugh or just commiseration.

Having a strong circle of friends boosts your emotional well-being and can offer that emotional support at 2 a.m. when we need to hear we’re doing alright. But few of us were warned about one particular challenge in motherhood: Finding mom friends can be tough. 

According to the American Mothers on Pause (AMP) study from Mother Untitled, 44 percent of stay-at-home and downshifted moms say it’s hard to make mom friends. The same survey also uncovered this big truth: Mothers on a career pause report leaving their job decreased the size of their circle of mom friends—with only 16 percent of mothers saying it increased after becoming a stay-at-home mom.

One reason making friends as an adult can be difficult is because they tend to be self-conscious and worry about whether they’ll be rejected or appear needy, says Irene S. Levine, Ph.D., a psychologist and friendship expert, and the co-producer of the Friendship Rules newsletter. Children and teenagers can have an easier time here because as Dr. Levine explains, kids are thrown together with their peers participating in school or in the same extra-curricular activities. A common ground is helpful when searching out a new friend group. “Adults have to create these opportunities,” says Dr. Levine. This adds pressure to the unknowns inherent in making new friends, and adults sometimes stop before they even start. 

Friendships increase our sense of belonging and improve our self-confidence, but mom friends are different. Our mom peers do all this and much more.

Friendships increase our sense of belonging and improve our self-confidence, but mom friends are different. Our mom peers do all this and much more because they relate to our parenting wins and losses. Mom friends validate our experiences and support us in feeling visible. Dr. Levine says having friends who are also moms can help us share dilemmas and work through solutions. All of these commonalities create a deeper connection. “Parenting doesn’t come with a detailed set of instructions,” Dr. Levine begins, “and sharing frustrations and concerns with a friend reduces stress and makes it easier to cope.” 

When we add in the pressures and responsibilities of at-home motherhood, the “How To Make Friends” equation becomes more difficult to solve. Dr. Levine explains mothering is emotionally and logistically time-consuming, so moms are cut off from the connections they may have had with friends and co-workers. Plus, when a stay-at-home mom is busy and focused on all things kid and home-related, Dr. Levine says, they often feel guilty about setting aside “me-time” to nourish their own social needs. So, with all these obstacles thrown onto our friendship-making path, is it even possible to make new mom friends? Oh…and where can we find them?

If you’ve been looking under swing sets in your neighborhood park or joining social media groups in an effort to find your best mom friend but with no luck—there’s a good reason. Mothers often try places such as these first believing they’ll find fast and trusted friends. However, research now shows us exactly how moms make their mom friends, and like everything in parenting—it’s not exactly what you thought.

The AMP study revealed the top six methods stay-at-home moms have successfully used to find fellow mom friends. Read on to discover where your new BFF may be waiting. 

Meet the Expert

• Irene S. Levine, Ph.D: Psychologist and friendship expert. Dr. Levine co-produces the Friendship Rules newsletter.

The Top 6 Places to Find Mom Friends

1. Nurture Your Pre-Mom Friends

Rebecca Magnus is the mother to a 5 and 10-year old living in Texas, and when she first became a mom, her go-to friends were two friends from college. Her friend group has grown closer over the years, and even though Magnus and her college besties don’t live nearby, they stay in touch through text and social media. However, what keeps them truly connected are their monthly chats. “We have FaceTime calls where it’s just the three of us after the kids are in bed and we catch up.” Magnus says. It’s in this virtual space “they pick up right where they left off” and have open-hearted chats about parenting, relationships, and just about everything. Magnus says they continue to remain close because her mom friends have “seen me at my worst and there’s no judgment so I feel safe.” 

In her first few years of motherhood, mom of two from Indiana Mandi Elkins Hutchins also relied on friends she had made before having kids, rather than trying to make new ones. “I had a solid friend group of my own that didn’t disappear when I had children,” Hutchins says. According to Hutchins, the best part of having longtime friends is you don’t need to explain much. “My steady friends understand my struggles, so they come with that built in empathy,” she says. It’s this deep-rooted understanding that kept her friend group together when Hutchins first decided to start a family. 

A recent survey found that 90 percent of new mothers felt lonely after giving birth, with over 54 percent feeling as if they had no friends. Magnus and Hutchins both say they feel fortunate that their longstanding friendships didn’t falter when they had kids. “Old friends” are oftentimes a mom’s go-to support system due to a shared history, and as Dr. Levine points out, it’s convenient to rely on friends you trust and can depend upon. Hutchins explains, “When I decided to have a child, my friend group was excited and supportive. They didn’t disappear and are a very important part of my life.”

2. Find Mom Friends in Your Workplace

Whether you’re on a career pause or working part-time, your work history provides a common ground that can lay the foundation for lasting friendships. This was the case for April Detlof of Michigan. After a four-month career pause with her infant daughter, she returned to work as a special education teacher. When Detlof entered the school setting, she was pleased to discover many of the teachers around her were mothers, too. “We talk a lot about our kids,” Detlof says. “I like that we bond over our job and our kids.” Sharing stories and offering that singular kind of parenting support mom friends offer bonded the co-workers, and Detlof admits that working together every day helped build their comfort level. 

“We all work so close, and so conversations came naturally,” Detloff says. Having this work group to depend on was a relief, because Detlof says, “I’m pretty antisocial outside of work.” Finding mom friends in your work environment can be less awkward than striking up a convo in your next parenting class, because as Dr. Levine observes, you come into contact daily with a pool of people with similar interests. This can give you more than one person from which to choose when on the lookout for new friends. 

When Jessica Sherr of California recently volunteered to help with her daughter’s performing arts camp, she had no idea a new mom friend would step into the spotlight. Sherr says she was watching rehearsals and decided to start a conversation with the mom sitting next to her by asking, “Which kiddo is yours?” That one sentence sparked a lengthy chat about their camp kids. “Then we just kept talking about our older kids' interests which led to us discovering we were both former actors,” Sherr says. 

Uncovering their shared background set the stage for the pair to talk more and become closer as the camp continued. Now, the two meet for coffee to talk about life and kids. Sherr says before her two children started school and engaged in their after-school activities, it was hard to meet friends. “I tried making friends at the park, but that never worked,” she says.

3. Connect With Mutual Friends 

“Having a mutual friend immediately gives you something in common,” says Dr. Levine. This commonality takes some of the “scary” out of trying to find new friends, and can be a less intimidating route to take when looking for a BFF. 

Jenny Lewis was moving to Kentucky with two children ages 2 and 4. She had three months to uproot everything and was feeling overwhelmed trying to make it all happen. In an effort to relieve her stress, a close cousin let Lewis know her childhood friend was a realtor. Lewis reached out to her cousin’s friend, and to her surprise Lewis found a new mom friend in a new town. “Initially, we talked about neighborhoods, our kids, and the school system,” Lewis says. But it was Lewis’ openness to talking about their motherhood experiences that solidified a quick bond between these two women—and they never looked back. 

Once Lewis moved, the two made lunch or coffee dates where the conversations were casual and easy. These day dates continued to build their friendship foundation and Lewis says of her mom friend that she trusts her the most for recommendations on anything from dentists to parenting advice. “She’s a naturally outgoing person and so am I, and our friendship took off pretty quickly,” Lewis says. 

4. Bond With Fellow Moms at Daycare or School

When at daycare or school, our kids and their school or daycare facility give us a shared bond. This can help connections flourish more naturally, and Dr. Levine says, “During the daycare/school years, moms often need to connect and depend on one another.” In these instances, we can be willing to risk friendship failing and become more intentional about making friends. 

When Tina Sanchez of North Carolina enrolled her son in kindergarten, she and other parents were required to volunteer at the school. During her first visit to supervise the kindergarteners on the playground, the moms standing with Tina introduced themselves almost immediately. These quick “hellos” cracked the window to more lengthy conversations. “We started chatting because we shared concern for our kid’s safety, and a lot of us were new so we were all sharing first-time experiences,” Sanchez says. Talking about playground safety and their kids playing was the initial rolling ball that started it all. 

Not being afraid to approach strangers was key for Sanchez talking to these moms she’d only just met, and from there friendships started. “One by one, we connected, and even though our kids weren’t necessarily hanging out together in school, the parents enjoyed each other’s company,” Sanchez says. This is how she became great friends with a large group of parents and they began to organize playdates and outings for all to enjoy. Now, seven years later, they’re all still friends.

Kelly Farrell, mom to an 11-year-old daughter also living in North Carolina, says she feared it would be hard to make mom friends since she was becoming a mother later in life. “I was completely wrong and made a great friend when my daughter attended kindergarten,” Farrell says. The pair met during after school pick-up while watching their children play on the playground together. Farrell says she engaged her friend in conversation first by asking polite questions about school and her child. 

As the daily after school playdates continued, the women became more comfortable with one another. A mutual trust followed and both shared stories about their personal lives. “Eventually, we started meeting at a local coffee place to have some ‘adult conversation’ because with littles it can seem like you never talk to adults,” Farrell says. After kindergarten, both kids moved to different schools, discovered new interests, and new friends. Even with this change, Farrell says she and her mom friend stayed close and remain in touch. “I know that I can always count on her for a great conversation and coffee anytime,” Farrell says. 

5. Look to Mom Groups 

Addy Mae, mother to an 11-month-old in Louisiana, says she intentionally joined an exercise class for mothers. “What prompted me to join was feeling isolated being home alone with an infant all day and the discomfort of being in a new body postpartum,” Mae says. Wanting to meet other moms going through the same experiences, Mae says it was easy connecting because they all had something in common. 

Mae admits being a little intimidated, and says, “I have an extroverted baby, so he usually engaged [with the moms] first and I’d follow behind introducing myself.” This took the pressure off approaching people all on her own. Mae says it took two or three classes to move beyond introductions into deeper conversations. “I noticed who the regulars were and I asked them questions about the class and their lives, and our friendships blossomed from there,” Mae says. These new friends have been a great support system for Mae and her little one, and she remarks that the consistency of going four times a week has made it easy to bond quickly.

“If someone has joined a mom group, there is a good chance that the individual is as eager as you to make friends.”

Mother of three in Nashville, Emma Johnson, discovered a mom group doesn’t always have to be perfectly structured to join. Moving to a new city can be lonely and Johnson was finding it hard to make new friends in her new town. “We were the only family on our school bus stop, so I decided to be brave and join the bus stop behind our street instead,” Johnson explains. That decision led to her being welcomed into what she calls “The Bus Stop Mom Group.” Johnson found friends who shared resources and helped her family adjust to their new city. “Life changed dramatically,” Johnson says. Moms attending a mom group can be more open to making friends, and Dr. Levine echoes this by saying, “If someone has joined a mom group, there is a good chance that the individual is as eager as you to make friends.”

6. Join a Playgroup

Mothers join playgroups to support their kids' social and emotional well-being not necessarily realizing it can help their emotional well-being, too. “Babies can be deceivingly isolating,” says Sophie Gates, the mother of a 3-year-old and 11-month-old living in California. When she first became a mom, she had a few friends she texted, but she missed that in-person connection. “Recently I’ve made a good network of mom friends and the difference is huge,” Gates says. 

Forcing her introverted self to step out of her comfort zone, she says, “I joined a baby group with my second daughter and put myself out there more than when my first was a baby,” Gates begins, “These two things have opened up a little community for us.” Dr. Levine says that it can be easier to make friends while at your kids' play group because moms sharing this play group space are also sharing the same phase of life. This bond makes approaching people less uncomfortable, so acquaintances can become friends. “It’s easy to make conversation and get to know other people under these circumstances,” Dr. Levine says. 

The Places You’re Least Likely to Make Mom Friends

When it comes to making mom friends, some common places we believe will yield our new BFFS, are in fact less likely to do so. The AMP survey revealed moms have had little success using social media or parenting classes to connect meaningfully with others. Social media lacks the emotional connection and physical presence that helps to build a friendship. So, while social media can lead to making connections, these might not go as deep or last as long. 

Then there are those places that seem like a fabulous idea like the park, local events, and baby classes. But according to our recent survey, these also fall into the least common places to make friends category. And let’s not forget the sneaky effect of pop culture in our lives subtly influencing our perspectives so we don’t necessarily notice. Movies like Fun Mom Dinner, Wine Country, and A Bad Moms Christmas show moms frolicking around in solid friend groups overcoming whatever obstacles life throws at them. “Pop culture has always romanticized friendships,” Dr. Levine says. When 44 percent of moms feel it is hard to make friends, there’s a disparity in this pop culture narrative. 

Making friends as an at-home mother can be harder than potty training your toddler, but it’s helpful to know there are places that support you in finding new friends. To get you started, Dr. Levine offers this friendship-making tip: “You can start with a conversation about the kids and after repeated contact, see if the other person is friend-worthy.” The payoff is worth it when you find that soul-friend who understands your parenting wins and struggles. And like Gates says, “I had to search and be willing to work at it, but in the end, having other friends and support is worth the effort.”