You're Sick and Your Children's Primary Caregiver—Now What?

Nov 8

Written By Jay Van Dyke - Top Rated Squarespace Web Designer in New Jersey

The sick parent’s guide to handling childcare during cold and flu season

The last time I was sick, I bundled up in cozy sweatpants, threw back some over-the-counter meds, loaded up on vitamin C, and continued to parent full-time.

My husband was out of town on a work trip and the nasty cold we had passed around for the past week had finally made its way to me. My kids watched hours upon hours of TV and ate way too much sugar, while I moved from the couch, to the floor, to the bed, supervising them as much as I was physically able.

It’s one of the worst parts of motherhood—being sick and having no option to rest, no backup childcare, and feeling all the frustration and resentment that goes along with it. Many times I’ve been left parenting through illness while my husband is at work or out of town. If I'm honest, it's historically been one of the biggest fights in our marriage.

So what happens when mom gets sick? Here are five strategies for dealing with illness when you’re the primary caregiver.

Meet the Experts

Emily Pardy: Licensed marriage and family therapist and the founder and CEO of Ready Nest Counseling in Nashville, Tennessee.
Abbey Sangmeister: Therapist and parental burnout coach in Collingswood, New Jersey, and the founder of Evolving Whole.
Siobhan Alvarez: Postpartum doula in Atlanta, Georgia.

5 Tips for Weathering a Sick Day as a SAHM

1. Set Expectations With Your Partner

Setting expectations and discussing your plan before illness hits is absolutely essential.

“Talk to your partner about a plan ahead of time to avoid resentment when the time comes,” says Emily Pardy, a licensed marriage and family therapist and the CEO of Ready Nest Counseling. “The lunch breaks, sick days, and vacations that are typically built into the partner's schedule should be taken into consideration as a team so that mom can also plan for some breaks of her own. Teamwork is the essential ingredient to combating resentment.”

Resentment, she says, is a red flag for an unmet need. Planning and setting expectations early with your partner can help ensure your needs as a full-time caregiver are met, even when illness hits your home.

And often the most overlooked part of the equation is asking for the help you need, Pardy says.

“I think the number one thing is to simply ask for help or flexibility instead of assuming it's not possible,” she explains. “There have been plenty of times my husband has had to explain to his boss that he'll need to leave early or work from home, but that he will be sure and stay up late or come in early on another day to make up for it. Most employers are fairly understanding as long as the work gets done.”

The number one thing is to simply ask for help or flexibility instead of assuming it's not possible.

While many modern parents lack the day-to-day support of a larger community, utilizing your partner is equally important.

“In a perfect world, stay-at-home moms would have a village to help them during sick days and any other day,” says Abbey Sangmeister, a therapist, parental burnout coach, and founder of Evolving Whole.

“Having conversations around sick days, support, and the roles of each parent are great discussions to have before having children. If that hasn’t been an option, then take the time today to sit down and have an honest and open conversation about expectations and ‘what if’ situations.”

This includes backups for when mom gets sick, if taking a day off work is realistic for the working parent, and how to best share the childcare load, whether by using sitters, nearby family, or friends.

2. Create a Family Sick Day “Bank”

We all know moms don’t get sick days. But your partner likely does.

This one may be tricky, depending on your partner’s workload, their attitude toward work, and their willingness to take a day off. But it can be a viable strategy to deal with sick days and facilitate other necessary breaks for the primary parent.

“The mindset of working and not taking days off is a thing of the past,” Sangmeister says. “Even if [no one is] sick, the working parent should take [their available] days off especially to be a supportive person.”

If taking a day off isn’t an option, try switching off once the workday is over.

“Some jobs are unfortunately not flexible with this, or they may have already used up all of their sick time available,” notes Siobhan Alvarez, a postpartum doula. “In [this case,] it's not unreasonable to ask your partner to take over with the kids when they get home from work, managing dinner and bedtime so that you can truly rest.”

3. Utilize Outside Help

I’ll be the first to admit it: I struggle with asking for help as a mom. I always think I can power through and do it all myself, even when I’m feeling sick. I’m not alone in this Superwoman-turned-martyr scenario.

“I often encourage moms to ‘turn the tables’ and imagine a friend calling them and asking for help if their friend needed someone to either watch their baby or drop off a meal,” Pardy says. “We are so gracious with our friends; and yet, we rarely ask for help when we need it.”

Utilizing friends, nearby family, or a sitter on standby are great backup plans when you’re feeling under the weather—and it’s an especially critical strategy for parents who don’t have the built-in support of a partner.

I often encourage moms to ‘turn the tables’ and imagine a friend calling and asking for help to either watch their baby or drop off a meal.

“As a single mom, I'm the full-time caregiver for my two children when I have them with me. Not only have I worked from home for the past five years, but I am also fortunate to have my mom living close by, so if I am sick beyond the point of being able to get out of bed, I have her as a support system to lean on,” says Beth Booker, a mom of two who runs her own company, Gracie PR.

Booker says when she’s sick, she will send her two kids to school and their after-school activities as usual, then either pick them up herself or ask her mom to take over pickup duties. This chunk of rest during the day helps her rest and recover.

“Look at the primary important things that absolutely have to be accomplished, [like] making the kids breakfast, lunch, dinner, doing bedtime, school drop offs and pickups, and be intentional about taking care of yourself, too,” she says.

If asking for help feels uncomfortable, try utilizing a sick day swap with another mom. You take her kids when she’s sick, and she'll return the favor when you’re down for the count. Even just handling school drop-offs and pickups can be a godsend when you’re in bed with the stomach flu.

If you don’t have a community to lean on, Pardy recommends finding a babysitter or sitting service to keep on stand-by. “There are many agencies that can book last minute, and all the better if you already have a list of sitters that might be able to fill in for you so you can get some extra rest,” she says.

4. Lean On Screen Time—Guilt-Free

Being truly alone with kids when you’re sick can be one of the most challenging parts of being the primary caregiver. While screen time is a fraught parenting topic these days, all the experts we spoke to said utilizing screen time is absolutely OK when you’re solo parenting while sick.

“Moms need the encouraging reminder that a day or two with the TV on or setting up toys on the floor next to the couch as she rests is 100 percent enough,” Pardy says. “No baby is traumatized by a mom trying her best.”

Setting the example of resting when you need it is also a great lesson to impart to your child, she notes. Truly taking the time to rest and recover is a wonderful example to set for your child.

5. Encourage Independent Play

But movie marathons only keep them entertained for so long. If you’re sick and solo parenting, you’ll need a backup plan. Try some of these low-energy activities Sangmeister suggests—most of which you can do while wrapped in a blanket:

How to Keep Kids Busy When You’re Sick

Special coloring books that they haven't seen yet or only get when you are sick
Use painter’s tape to make roads for toys to drive around you or on the floor near you.
Create areas of cardboard for them to create paintings on the floor or near where you are resting.
Easy crafts that you know your kid would like but they only get when you are sick.
Create an easy Indoor scavenger hunt with items for them to find around the house.
Play board games and puzzles.
If they are old enough, have them write you a story. If they are little, have them draw a story or tell you one.

Most importantly? Lay down the mom guilt.

“Everyone gets sick. It doesn't help anything to blame yourself or feel guilty about complicating the schedule or routine,” Pardy says. “ No one likes disruption, and I'd encourage every mom to lay down the "mom guilt" when it comes to sick days. You're doing your best, and that's amazing.”

Topic: ParentingTopic: Routines