How to Split Summer Child Care With Your Partner
Parenting when your kids are home on summer break means a lot of child care. Here’s how to divide that labor with your partner, according to a relationship therapist.
Source: Ksenia Chernaya
Last year when my two daughters were home on summer break, we lapped up every moment together—for the first two weeks. In those initial days off school, the three of us spent long, slow mornings in our pjs while my husband worked upstairs in his home office. He’d pop in occasionally for coffee and MarioKart. But as I’m the one with the flexible, part-time work schedule, the onus was on me to step in and cover summer child care (read: make snacks, referee, bust boredom, and more).
By week three, the thrill and novelty of hibernating together was beginning to lose its sheen. Sibling fights were on the rise, whining ensued, and I can’t say I wasn’t yearning for the school drop-off line. Of course, there were playdates and social outings, but it was still hard to deny: We were so far off our typical school-week schedule, and parenting through it was a lot.
“School breaks are one of the things that cause the most angst for people,” says Kate Engler, a licensed marriage and family therapist and the owner of Three Points Relationships in Skokie, Illinois. And it’s not because spending idle time with your kids is a drag, but taking the lead on parenting through this time can be a lot of work for one person.
“For the default parent, I think it’s really important that they get to talk about what their needs are during their kids’ time off,” Engler says. “There shouldn’t be this assumption that they’re going to handle everything related to child care as usual—because [parenting over summer break] is very different.”
Here’s how to make a plan with your partner for dividing child care while the kids are home from school this summer.
Meet the Expert
Kate Engler, LMFT: A licensed marriage and family therapist, certified Fair Play facilitator, and the owner of Three Points Relationships in Skokie, Illinois.
Set a Date to Talk
When it comes to solving the issue of summer childcare with your partner, Engler suggests scheduling time to talk when the two of you can sit down over a glass of wine or a cup of tea. Don’t be reactive and attempt to start a conversation in the heat of the moment, she says. Instead try casually approaching the topic by suggesting a later date to plan for the upcoming summer break.
If you are the default parent, and the expectation is that you will automatically assume all child care duties while the kids are home, Engler recommends tweaking that initial conversation starter. You may want to say something like this: “Every year when the kids are home for summer, you and I build up a lot of resentment and tension. I’d love to avoid that. What would you say about us sitting down and just talking through it to see how we can pregame together?”
We totally underestimate how far it goes to get buy-in from our partners and to ask things like, ‘Are you game for this?’ or ‘How does this work for you?’
Engler admits this approach is not a perfect science, but by starting from a place of teamwork, your partner will likely be more receptive and less defensive from the get-go. “You want to position yourselves as being on a team together against the problem, versus adversarial against each other,” she adds. “We totally underestimate how far it goes to get buy-in from our partners and to ask things like, ‘Are you game for this?’ or ‘How does this work for you?’”
Strategize Together
Your sit-down with your partner should be all about creating a strategy that works for you both. To make that happen, think through your family’s needs on two levels: logistical (e.g., baby naps at 11:00, big kids need activities, etc.) and emotional (e.g., the lead parent needs time off outside the home).
“You need to talk about what plans and activities feel best for your family and what’s reasonable financially,” Engler says. “And then I like to encourage couples to also talk about emotional expectations they may have.”
Engler acknowledges that we often have expectations we’re not even aware of—that is, until they’re not met and we feel disappointed or angry. That’s why carving out time to talk with and really listen to your partner is so meaningful. It helps uncover what’s most important, whether that’s downtime on your own or a date night for the two of you.
Share the Joy
When you consider all that’s on your plate as a parent, it’s easy to look at caregiving and see only the incredible work involved. But the truth is, there’s plenty of joy in the day-to-day of parenting—all of which your partner stands to gain by stepping up when they can.
“If this is a time when your partner has time off, or they’re willing to take vacation days or slow things down at work, I would say to them, ‘This is your chance. You don’t typically get to spend all this time with the kids outside of the weekends,’” Engler says.
This way, each of you enjoys some much-deserved downtime and gets treated to some special one-on-one time with the kids.
From there, talk logistics. Engler suggests pulling out your calendars and scheduling which days of summer break each parent will cover exclusively—and which you’ll enjoy as a family. This way, each of you enjoys some much-deserved downtime and gets treated to some special one-on-one time with the kids.
When the two of you schedule out your summer as a family, Engler says it’s important to talk specifics. Agree on expectations for each role. This may look like assigning all non-kid related tasks to the parent off-duty, while the caregiving partner handles everything from snack time to skinned knees.
Check in with each other, too, reminds Engler. As you firm up your plans, make certain you’re both in agreement about these roles. A quick recap of each role’s responsibilities can go a long way toward fostering that team spirit and chipping away at resentment that might normally build this time of year.
Be Open to Rescheduling
Taking time off throughout the summer may not be feasible for many families. But just because your partner’s job keeps them tied up for now, doesn’t mean you can’t plan for a shift in parenting roles later on.
“You might say to your partner, ‘I get it that this time of year for you is the most bonkers time at work. Can we talk about when that’s over? Can we regroup and discuss giving you some time to spend with the kids?’” Engler says. “If it’s a situation where your partner has some work flexibility and available time off, I would start from the most neutral place possible.”
Read More
