I’m a Calmer At-Home Parent Thanks to These Expert-Backed Strategies
The expert-backed strategies I found helped to navigate the storm and find my calm.
On one particularly tough day, I found myself Googling this question: “Are too many Annie's gummies making my kids emotional?” That's when I knew I was in a parenting funk. There are periods I think to myself, “Remember that? That was so hard, and now it's so not hard.” And then there's me Googling if excess sugar is the reason why I'm tiptoeing through a meltdown minefield. And the only takeaway I can see is that this is parenting: there are stretches that give you life, and then moments that take a toll on your confidence or calm.
Anger is something I've struggled with for a long while. I don't think as a child, especially a girl, I knew how to handle my own big feelings. So often, I suppressed them until they exploded. Nothing really compelled me to solve that until I had children and realized that there would be big feelings on all sides. It didn’t take long to realize that I had the chance to give my kids the tools they needed by learning them first myself.
So as my own kids have gone up and down, these expert-backed strategies have helped me navigate the storm and find my calm.
Meet the Experts
Danielle Bettman: A Positive Discipline parent educator and founder of Wholeheartedly
Dr. Rachna Buxani-Mipuri: A licensed mental health counselor
Sofia Mendoza: A licensed clinical social worker
1. I Set an Intention Each Day
Roll your eyes if you need to, but I started this practice one day after meltdowns all around, and I never looked back. I wake up and reflect on all the things that make my life and my kids, in particular, special at this stage. It grounds me in the sense of gratitude for our health and overall happiness. The second list is my daily intentions that start at the top with working to choose and model calm. Note: I do this in my iPhone notes—nothing fancy.
Why it works: Peaceful parenting coach Danielle Bettman says an intention practice can be a powerful way to influence your day-to-day. “Centering your thought around positive affirmations daily neurologically strengthens the thought pattern in your brain,” she notes. “Choosing your thoughts around the characteristics you aspire to be makes it easier to bring them to life.”
2. I Notice the Cues
When something difficult comes up in me, I usually feel a tightening in my jaw or chest. That’s my cue to pull myself aside, in a sense, and give myself a heads-up that something is starting to irk me. I actively revisit the morning intention to choose calm, for my sake and my children’s.
Why it works: “Mindfulness is a very powerful tool in helping cope with the stressors of parenting or daily life,” says Dr. Rachna Buxani-Mipuri, a licensed mental health counselor. “It starts with identifying within yourself what you’re experiencing and where that might be coming from, followed by a conscious decision of how to act upon it.”
3. I Imagine the Clouds
Something about this visualization helps me. It's the reminder that everything is natural and necessary. Like the dark clouds that roll in, tantrums are a release our children (or partners) need. Clouds are also always passing, and that is the magic of parenting—that everything does indeed pass.
Why it works: Dr. Buxani-Mipuri hails visualization as one of the most effective meditation techniques, explaining that viewing our struggles as transient allows us to accept and live in the present moment. “Understanding that ‘to rise, I first need to accept falling,’ builds an acceptance that all events in our lives are necessary for us to become the best version of ourselves.”
“Understanding that ‘to rise, I first need to accept falling,’ builds an acceptance that all events in our lives are necessary for us to become the best version of ourselves.”
4. I Repeat & Model
To get through these moments, I just breathe into the temporary nature of all of it. I won't feel this way forever. He or she won't feel this way forever. We are all safe. If I'm with my kids, I say this aloud to them too, as it’s important to share my calm with them. On the days I slip and raise my voice, I come back and offer an apology. Our kids deserve to know we're a work in progress too.
Why it works: “All parents lose their cool from time-to-time. With so many competing pressures and stressors, it’s an inevitable part of parenthood,” says Sofia Mendoza, a licensed clinical social worker. “When you lose your cool, forgive yourself and model to your kids how to repair and apologize.” This, Mendoza explains, teaches our little ones by example how to practice healthy insight and reflection.
5. I Postpone Limit-Setting
I don't think it’s possible to rationalize or reflect with anyone when they're in a heightened state—whether that's my husband or a 5-year-old. Knowing this, I give myself permission to come back to the moment of struggle. I trust that I'll be able to make just as much resolution in a little bit, and the issue doesn't have to be solved now.
Why it works: Dr. Buxani-Mipuri advises parents to operate from a space of “wise mind,” which she explains as a balance of reason and emotion. “Events in our life can push us into our ‘emotion mind’ space where there is no room for reason or logic,” Dr. Buxani-Mipuri notes. Instead, she encourages parents to summon their coping skills before reacting to meltdowns or outbursts. “Actions based purely on emotions are never beneficial and can end up making the problem worse,” she says.
Read More
How to be a Happier At-Home Mom
Editor’s note: A version of this article first appeared in 2019.
