How I’m Finding Peace in the Chaos of Motherhood & Why Science Backs Me Up
The desire to tidy up, to live in a home that radiates some semblance of calm is not some silly goal to strive for. It has real implications for our mental health, focus, and creativity.
On any given night, after all three of my boys are tucked into bed, with dreams of dinosaurs swirling through their heads, I begin. While I’m tempted to settle onto the couch and pop on some Netflix, eventually drifting off as well, that’s not what I do. I believe in teaching my children to clean up after themselves, and on a good day, they do a decent job. But let’s be real: once they’re out of our spaces and sleeping soundly, the house doesn’t look nearly as neat as I’d like it to. Legos may be in bins and leftovers may be packed away but the kitchen is a disaster and there is an overflowing pile of picture books on the couch, spilling onto the floor. Missed Magnatiles have gathered under cushions and there are dirty socks in every corner.
I’ve wished to be the type of person that can let these sorts of scenes go, that’s able to compartmentalize so I can use my evenings for other purposes but that’s not my reality. I can try to fight it all I want but I’ll still be sitting there, trying to relax, or worse, at the dining table trying to get some work done… just staring and stewing over the mess around me.
It’s just not worth it.
And so I tidy up the clutter every night. I don’t get the house into complete perfection, but counters are cleaned, toys get put away, and cushions are returned to the couch, so I can finally sit down after and breathe. So I can feel some sort of relief after another wild day, and so I can start fresh once again with a clean slate in the morning.
As I’ve gotten older, my go-to moves for finding those little bursts of personal joy have come from some new sources compared to the mani-pedi days in my early 20s… and these nightly sessions are proving to be one of them. I hate to fall back onto the overused term “self-care” but in reality, that’s what this is. Self-care is defined as “the act of attending to one’s physical or mental health, generally without medical or other professional consultation.” As I sit back and soak up the beauty of my tucked and tidied living room every night at 8 p.m., my mental health feels a whole lot better than two hours prior. No doctor needed. So yes, I’m treating tidying up as self-care.
As I soak up the beauty of my tucked and tidied living room every night at 8 p.m., my mental health feels a whole lot better than two hours prior.
As mothers, we’re often teased about this desire for domestic control, the butt of many jokes and punchlines, that we can’t go to bed without a sparkling kitchen sink, with blames on everything from a ridiculous need for perfection to unrealistic Instagram worthy ideals.
But the desire to tidy up, to live in a home that radiates some semblance of calm (even if it's just a few hours each night), is not some silly goal to strive for. Science backs me up.
A 2010 study of married couples in Los Angeles, published in The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology ¹ showed an increased level of cortisol (aka the stress hormone) for women who lived in a home they perceived as cluttered. (Men often had different views on what was and wasn’t considered “cluttered” but that is another story for another day).
As mothers, our daily life is jam-packed with stressful situations already; our home doesn’t need to be one more item on that list. If anything, our homes should be where we can find some sense of peace and comfort, so we can instead focus on what’s truly important: ourselves and our families.
“Our brains like order, and constant visual reminders of disorganization drain our cognitive resources, reducing our ability to focus,” explains Libby Sander, Ph.D., Assistant Professor of Organisational Behaviour at Bond University in Gold Coast, Australia.
Our brains like order, and constant visual reminders of disorganization drain our cognitive resources, reducing our ability to focus.
And as much as we’ve all tried (flash back to me sitting on the couch trying to enjoy a show while drowning in dino toys), clutter can’t simply be ignored.
“It doesn’t go away when we finally get to bed. People who sleep in cluttered rooms are more likely to have sleep problems, including difficulty falling asleep and being disturbed during the night,” says Dr. Sander. Any mother will tell you that we don’t need additional disturbances at night either; my toddler has that covered.
With science in my corner, bolstering my own confidence in my self-care and mental health needs, I’m not only embracing this desire to declutter but straying away from making jokes or about it, too. If anything, I’m leaning into it even more, letting myself find the joy in cleaning up as much as possible. So you better believe I’ll put on a favorite playlist and sip my peppermint tea as I sort papers and pack up last season’s clothes to my heart's content. My stress levels and my home will thank me by morning.
Start small
My nightly tidying sessions aren’t the only upkeep that keeps me calm; a solid spring cleaning session is worth its weight in gold. But that doesn’t happen on the regular. Instead, little daily acts of decluttering are where it’s at. There are pockets of possibilities for myself, and all other women who relate. We moved into a new home this past winter, but you don’t need never-ending moving boxes to find areas to edit so both your home and your mental health are better afterwards. I’ve found that mini projects help provide a fresh hit of dopamine just as much as a thorough deep clean.
So next time the kiddos are watching Paw Patrol for 30 minutes, may I suggest sorting the pantry? Next time you go searching for a snack, your eyes will get an organized treat.
My research has shown that beautiful environments have profound effects on us in many ways. It’s hard to feel good about your home and your work when you are surrounded by mess and disorganization.
Or how about actually putting away all your cleaned clothes? Even the pile on that chair in your bedroom that we all have.
Or my personal favorite: going through that ever-increasing pile of papers on the table, sorting it all into sections for recycling, attending to, or saving. Seeing my actual dining room table clear and easy to set for dinner later on is the way to really set me up for success.
Dr. Sander agrees: “If you are surrounded by clutter, just start small. Clear one surface. Tidy a shelf. Throw out or donate items you no longer use or like and replace them with things you love. My research has shown that beautiful environments have profound effects on us in many ways. It’s hard to feel good about your home and your work when you are surrounded by mess and disorganization. The physical environment acts as a cognitive scaffold–if we want to feel more creative or (have) more meaning in our lives, it is important to surround ourselves with the things that help us feel that way.”
So with that sealing the deal, I’m embracing my desire for a little nice space. No guilt included.
Whatever your self-care solutions may be, decluttering or anything else that helps you find some inner peace during the messiness of motherhood, be proud and own it. It doesn’t make you crazy or controlling, it makes you a mama–one who’s tired and trying, and looking for a little bit of calm.
Read More
How to Design a Stylish, Functional, & Clutter-Free Family Space
References
Saxbe D, Repetti RL. For better or worse? Coregulation of couples' cortisol levels and mood states. J Pers Soc Psychol. 2010;98(1):92-103. doi:10.1037/a0016959
Liz Greene is a writer living in New England with her husband and their three beautiful little boys. Her days are filled with dinosaurs and dance parties, messes and utter mayhem. Her nights are filled desperately trying to rest and recover before doing it all again the next day… and she wouldn’t have it any other way.
Editor’s note: A version of this story first appeared in 2022. It has been updated for timeliness.
