Managing Resentment in Marriage: How Much Work Should a Stay-at-Home Mom Be Expected to Do?
How real couples navigate resentment in marriage by sharing responsibilities at home—including stay at home mom expectations from working dads, and what at-home moms ask of partners who work outside the home.
Source: Ron Lach
It seems that nearly once each year, a ludicrous job posting makes the rounds of social media. This job advertisement outlines a position that requires being on call 24/7 and managing food prep, laundry, housekeeping, transportation, budgeting, childcare, and pet care. The salary is nil. The punchline, of course, is that these are very real–and untenable–expectations we put on stay-at-home moms everywhere. And the result often finds women feeling resentful in their marriages or partnerships.
The parodic job listing is often met with a wave of appreciation for stay-at-home parents and their ‘superheroic’ multi-tasking abilities. And sure, gratitude is nice, but what SAHM wouldn’t benefit from actually establishing realistic expectations for their role in the home?
Mother Untitled spoke with families and a clinical psychologist and relationship expert to learn how real couples manage growing resentment in marriage, and tackle responsibilities at home—including stay at home mom expectations from working dads, and what at-home moms expect of partners and spouses who work outside the home.
What Are Reasonable Expectations for a SAHM?
Every family and partnership is different, and what works for one household may not fit into another. Take Elizabeth K. for example. She is a stay-at-home mom of two in Chicago, IL, who also works 20 hours from home each week. “My husband and I really try to share the load. While our boys are at school, we both jump into work mode,” Elizabeth says. “We trade off on who does school pickup, and I typically keep the kids busy until the whole family is together at dinner time.”
Elizabeth describes their parenting process as an ebb and flow–one that requires them to tune into what the other has capacity for. “There are days I don’t feel like cooking, so Keith will take care of dinner. When neither of us can muster the interest or energy, we agree on takeout,” she says, offering one example of how the couple plays off each other throughout the week.
I do literally everything around the house because I’m the one who is consistently home.
In another home across the country, Julia W., a mom of two in Sacramento, California, says she shoulders too much responsibility as a stay-at-home parent—and she often feels resentful about it. Her husband has a high-stress job as an attorney, and oftentimes the brunt of childcare and household chores falls on her.
“This is not the dream I had for motherhood. I do literally everything around the house because I’m the one who is consistently home,” Julia notes. “When Mark is home on the weekends, we have some downtime, and then he has a list I write of chores we need done.”
For Julia, her role at home includes cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, chauffeuring kids to school and activities, scheduling doctor appointments, paying bills, and more. By the end of the day, she’s exhausted–and she’s ready for a change that includes sharing more of the domestic load with her husband.
Meet the Expert:
Tracy Dalgleish, PhD.: Clinical psychologist, relationship expert, and the author of I Didn’t Sign Up for This.
Common Causes of Resentment–& What Can You Do About It
When it comes to examining stay at home mom expectations from working dads, women like Julia—who default to taking on the lion’s share of household responsibilities—may find they’re feeling resentful toward their husband or partner.
“Oftentimes, people feel resentful because they’re not communicating how they’re feeling and what they need from their partner,” says Dr. Tracy Dalgleish, a clinical psychologist and relationship expert. “While you’re feeling this way, you may also be continuing to take on more for your family, and these two components can weigh you down.”
Dr. Dalgleish likes to think of resentment as an iceberg, with anger and frustration jutting above the water’s surface. Down below, she says moms who feel resentment are likely harboring complex feelings, such as grief, loss, anxiety, or jealousy that their partner’s lives haven’t changed as drastically with parenthood.
Women who take on the lion’s share of household responsibilities may find they’re feeling resentful toward their husband or partner.
Dismantling this iceberg and finally dealing with resentment may start with asking yourself, “What are my unmet needs?” Dr. Dalgleish adds. Maybe it’s finding connections with friends outside of your home, or carving time to start a creative habit that feeds your soul. Whatever your needs may be, they’re valid and you deserve to have them met.
And if you’re feeling guilty about the resentment you feel toward your husband or partner–don’t.
“I want to step back and really normalize this emotion. Because for many people, it feels like it's a bad emotion, that we shouldn't feel resentment, that there must be something awfully wrong about feeling this way,” Dr. Dalgleish says. “And yet the fascinating piece is that, when asked, a great deal of women will admit that they feel [this way,] because all emotions give us information.”
How Can a Working Husband or Partner Help a SAHM?
One of the most insidious and false beliefs about stay-at-home mothers is that they are financially dependent on a spouse or partner who works outside the home. While SAHMs may not contribute financially, the unpaid labor they provide allows spouses and partners to hold jobs outside the home without worrying about childcare.
“An at-home parent may not be bringing in money in a traditional way, but you have real value in the family. So let's not put a dollar amount on it and let's see how both of you are contributing,” says Dr. Dalgleish. “You and your partner are co-captains and are building this family life together. If you think about it this way, the day-to-day becomes a moment-to-moment back and forth.”
For stay-at-home mothers who want to see a more equitable division of labor within their homes, Dr. Dalgleish sings the praises of Eve Rodsky’s Fair Play Method, which offers practical guidance and support to couples looking to share the load at home.
“When it comes to things like kids’ sports, for example, couples might think, who’s going to own this? If my partner owns it, that means that I step back and I don’t go into heavy research, or shopping for gear, etc. That’s your domain and you need to take ownership,” she adds.
To get your partner on board with examining and reimagining your household roles, start from a place of curiosity. “Two people enter a relationship with different experiences growing up, entering into roles they likely never talked about before,” notes Dr. Dalgleish. “Start a conversation first about roles you saw growing up and values you each hold and desire to teach or model to your children.”
From there, Dr. Dalgleish encourages stay-at-home mothers to present their family as a system–explaining to their partners why their current process isn’t serving them, and asking their partner to join in to build a new one. It’s all about approaching the problem as a team, avoiding criticism, and focusing on your needs, she adds.
Asking Your Partner to Step Up
If you’re ready to shift the dynamic in your household and reset expectations, Dr. Dalgleish recommends taking a soft approach. People tend to be defensive when they feel they’re being attacked, she notes, making it important to focus the conversation on you and your needs and feelings.
And if your partner is not open to a discussion, or you’ve had the talk without seeing any changes at home, Dr. Dalgleish says it may be time to seek outside support.
“Once we're reaching a gridlock point, then we're entering into a parent-child dynamic, which doesn't feel good in a relationship. So, if our partners are not taking ownership and responsibility, something has got to shift,” she says. “In a true relationship, we're both showing up with humility, compassion, and understanding and saying, how do we do this together?”
Read More:
