Easy Ways to Share the Holiday Mental Load With Your Partner
This holiday season, lighten your to-do list and ease your mental load by getting your partner involved in all that magic-making. Here’s how.
Source: Roman Odintsov
For moms who do it all, like organizing schedules, creating menus, and running errands, you recognize your to-do is list growing. It’s that jolly time of year when your daily checklist increases along with your super-secret holiday list—and both feel never-ending. A recent survey revealed that 74 percent of American mothers say they manage the bulk of their children’s schedules and activities, so it’s no surprise ’tis the season for your mental load to feel heavier than usual. Is there a way to get your holiday wish and share a more balanced holiday experience with your partner?
Laurel Sims-Stewart, a therapist and Community Outreach Director at Bridge Counseling and Wellness, says it’s not uncommon for the holiday to-do’s to become mom’s responsibility. It often falls to the mother to be the “default parent” and this also typically includes holiday expectations like buying gifts, scheduling family events, and coordinating childcare for school breaks, Sims-Stewart says. If you fall into the category of the default parent (the primary parent in charge of all child-related things), then dropping into the role of the “default holiday parent” is a short descent.
Responsibilities of the default parent don’t magically disappear during the holiday season—they increase. Sims-Stewart points out that society supports the viewpoint that mothers are the only ones in charge of making the holidays happen for their families. “It’s usually moms that are shown doing all of this work in commercials, ads, and even on social media,” Sims-Stewart begins. “So, of course, we assume it’s the norm, but we don’t have to let it be.” This perception makes a shift towards more balanced holiday planning with a partner all the more difficult.
Meet the Experts
Laurel Sims-Stewart: Therapist and Community Outreach Director at Bridge Counseling and Wellness
Julie Spears: Licensed clinical social worker and certified Fair Play Facilitator
Societal influences aren’t the only…well, influences that alter our perceptions. Julie Spears, a licensed clinical social worker and certified Fair Play Facilitator, says that family traditions and The Supermom expectation can contribute to perpetuating the fiction that moms must do it all—and do it all perfectly. A Supermom is a mom who does all the things without experiencing fatigue, overload, or even breaking a sweat. Wanting to live up to this ideal is what sets high expectations that a mother must create and maintain that magical ol’ holiday spirit. “And there’s a lot of pressure to create the magic and clean up after the magic,” Spears says.
If you feel overwhelmed during the holidays, and hiding in the bathroom is your go-to restorative escape, know you’re not the only one. Sims-Stewart explains there’s a heightened set of expectations around how to make a “perfect” holiday and this creates stress, she says, “We want our families to feel loved and make warm memories, so it’s easy to get caught up in the to-do lists to make sure that’s happening.” And Spears adds, “For a lot of moms it’s a lot of pressure, and they don’t get to enjoy anything.” So, if you’re ready to lighten your holiday load, here are three ways to get your partner on board for a more balanced holiday-time experience.
How to Share the Holiday Mental Load With Your Partner
1. Communicate Your Holiday Priorities
Your partner isn’t able to assist you in decking the halls if they don’t know what’s needed. To this point, Spears says, “The key is to sit down with your partner and talk about your priorities.” These preferences can include things like family traditions and/or your usual holiday checklist list. Have an open conversation detailing what you both value in your holiday experience. Then include your partner in the planning process. Spears explains it like this: Invite your partner in on the conception and the planning, not just the execution. When you include your partner in all aspects of the planning, they can fully own the task and feel valued. Then your partner is able to understand the work that’s going on behind the scenes and experience the joy.
2. Let the Excess Go to Lighten Your Holiday Mental Load
When your to-do list dwindles, your sense of relief increases. Sometimes, the only way to achieve this comfy and cozy feeling is to just let it go. While letting unfinished items go can feel awkward, the space this act creates supports your emotional well-being in a positive way. “Prioritize the things that are most important to your family, not what someone else says should be important,” Sims-Stewart suggests. She goes on to say that if things haven’t made your “top five list,” then look at letting those go, too. Experiment this year and see what happens if you don’t do all the things or buy all the “must-have” gifts. “You might be surprised at how little you miss the things you dropped, once it’s all said and done,” Sims-Stewart says.
It’s usually moms that are shown doing all the work in commercials, ads, and even on social media. So, of course, we assume it’s the norm, but we don’t have to let it be.
3. Share Your Holiday Expectations
Having an open and honest discussion in your relationship builds trust and connection. Having one about holiday expectations can free resentments and conflicts. Both Spears and Sims-Stewart encourage talking to your partners about all things holidays as soon as possible or ahead of the planning. “Include things like boundaries with family, how many and which events you’d like to attend, who you are buying gifts for this year, and your budget,” Sims-Stewart says. And Spears says don’t forget to talk about the things that are important to you—the stories that are important. This will allow you to start a holiday conversation from a place where nothing is assumed, so you and your partner can move from the same planning page.
If you’re reading this while addressing holiday cards, planning your next seasonal menu, and looking for a minute to hide away in your bathroom, know there are ways to lighten your holiday load. Spears reminds us that we can live in a world where the invisible work becomes visible. This frees up mental space for mom and creates more space for enjoyment. And Sims-Stewart says, “The most important things are to enjoy the time if we can… our kids and families will be much better off with lowered expectations and a less-stressed mom.”
Read More:
Ease Holiday Overwhelm With These Expert Tips for At-Home Parents
Editor’s note: A version of this story first published in 2021. It has been updated for timeliness.
FAQs
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The mental load refers to the invisible tasks that keep a household running smoothly—like planning schedules, organizing meals, and remembering the minutiae of everyday life, like birthday parties and doctor appointments. Due to cultural expectations, the mental load often falls on moms by default and may cause feelings of resentment and overwhelm as a result.
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The holiday season often amplifies the mental load for mothers, as they take on the magic-making, juggling gift-buying, event planning, and family traditions on top of regular responsibilities. The need to create a festive atmosphere, organize gatherings, and manage holiday expectations can add significant stress, making the mental load even more overwhelming.
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To explain the mental load to your husband or partner, start a conversation about the “invisible work” involved in managing a household. Point to specific examples, such as tracking a child’s developmental milestones, remembering children’s food aversions and preferences, budgeting, planning after school activities, and more. These tasks require a great deal of cognitive and emotional labor, and communicating openly with your partner or spouse can encourage a more balanced division of responsibilities.
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The mental load of motherhood includes the ongoing, often unseen tasks that mothers handle to support their families. This mental load involves emotional and logistical responsibilities, like managing schedules, planning meals, remembering birthdays, and ensuring each family member’s well-being. Without shared support, this mental load can create a heavy mental and emotional burden, and lead to burnout and feelings of resentment.
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Mothers can lighten their holiday mental load by openly communicating with their partners, setting boundaries around holiday commitments, and prioritizing activities that matter most to them and their families. By sharing tasks and letting go of non-essentials, moms can reduce holiday stress and create a more enjoyable season for themselves and their families.
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When partners share the mental load, it fosters a more balanced household where both parents contribute to planning and daily routines. This not only reduces stress for the parent carrying the mental load, but also strengthens family relationships by promoting teamwork and understanding.
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To manage the holiday mental load, mothers can involve their partners in planning, delegate specific holiday tasks, and set clear priorities for the season. By focusing on what truly brings joy and letting go of less important activities, moms can prioritize their own peace and create a more relaxed and meaningful holiday season for themselves and their families.
