What You Need to Know About Stay at Home Mom Depression
Resources, signs, and expert advice for stay at home mom depression.
What Is Stay at Home Mom Depression?
Stay at home mom depression is a mental health condition affecting a family’s primary caregiver. While this disorder isn’t a formal diagnosis, it refers to cases of clinical depression among stay at home mothers. There are a million reasons why choosing to take a career break to be a stay-at-home mom for a season can be beneficial–more time with children, less divided attention, and (hopefully) a bit of a lower stress level.
At the same time, staying at home can feel boring, isolating, and even depressing. In fact, studies show that more stay-at-home moms report struggling with mental health issues than mothers who work outside the home.¹ It can be hard to ascertain if you are having a string of bad days or actually might be clinically depressed–especially when you are a stay-at-home mom. It’s so easy to get in a funk. The days run together, interaction with other adults is often lessened, and your social interactions most days revolve around humans too young to have good conversational skills. We asked a few experts to help explain the difference between being in that funk and experiencing stay at home mom depression.
Editor’s Note: If you find yourself struggling with your mental health, know there is no need to suffer in silence. If you are feeling suicidal or thinking about harming yourself or others, please seek help, or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255).
Meet the Experts
Kayla Acklin: Licensed professional counselor and a professor of counseling at Mississippi College.
Gauri Khurana, M.D: Psychiatrist at Women’s Mental Health Consortium in New York City.
Symptoms of Depression in Stay-at-Home Moms
Kayla Acklin, a licensed professional counselor and a professor of counseling at Mississippi College, has dedicated much of her career to understanding and treating the mental health needs of mothers. While clinical depression can look different depending on the individual, Acklin says feelings of isolation, guilt, and hopelessness are common symptoms.
You may notice a change in your sleep patterns (if your kids are letting you sleep at all) as well as feeling overwhelmed and touched out. Yes, a lot of these symptoms might seem like typical things a mom experiences. When they begin to interfere with your daily life, though, is when it is cause for concern. So many women avoid seeking mental health treatment because they miss these signs or assume they’re part of this season of life. They also forget to take care of themselves.
“Guilt tells the mother that taking care of herself is selfish. This leads to a lack of self-care where stress builds up,” Acklin says. “Once stress becomes chronic, burnout sets in. During burnout, mothers may feel detached, distracted, and numb. With daily functioning impaired, the guilty feelings ramp up and the cycle continues.”
At the Women’s Mental Health Consortium in New York City, psychiatrist Gauri Khurana, M.D. treats mothers often. The thing that worries her most? When a stay-at-home-mom says she is fine or that “nothing is wrong.”
Every new parent or parent with a young child needs some form of help on a daily basis–that's normal! If they are not asking for help, it likely means they’re doing too much and torturing themselves.
“That potentially indicates a course of high-functioning depression or anxiety where someone seems absolutely fine but is spiraling inside–meaning [they’re feeling] unrelenting thoughts of sadness, feeling terrible about themselves, [and feeling] guilty about the poor job that they are doing,” says Dr. Khurana. She knows many moms want to be perfect and have too much on their plate.
“Every new parent or parent with a young child needs some form of help on a daily basis–that's normal! If they are not asking for help, it likely means that they are doing too much and torturing themselves.” If you are staying at home with young kids and have daily thoughts that you are doing a terrible job or messing up, that’s a pretty clear sign that your negative thoughts have moved beyond just a few hard days. It’s time to seek some help.
Expert Tips for Managing Stay at Home Mom Depression
Both Acklin and Dr. Khurana have seen many mothers walk through their doors for treatment. They realize what a big step it is to get there. Once you’ve realized that you need to talk to someone else about your feelings, it can feel impossible to navigate the American healthcare system, which is fraught with roadblocks and barriers to mental health treatment.
Dr. Khurana says asking your OB/GYN for a mental health referral is a great step. They often know professionals skilled in working with mothers. Acklin views seeking out a professional as a way to engage in that self-care that’s been lacking during the long days staying at home with kids. “Sometimes it can be hard for mothers to ask for help or say out loud that they’re struggling; however, connecting with resources is an important first step toward wellness,” she notes.
For many moms, the very idea of carving time out of their at-home routine to see a therapist or psychiatrist feels overwhelming in itself. But thanks to the pandemic, there are now many more options for Telehealth counseling services. Seek out a local provider that offers a combination of in-person and Telehealth visits. There are also fully online therapy platforms, but they’ve received mixed reviews from most mental health professionals, so it’s best to ask a doctor you know and trust for their opinion before signing up.
What Does Depression Treatment Usually Look Like?
Sometimes the biggest barrier to seeking help is uncertainty about what that help might look like. New medications, hours of talk therapy, poking around in your most vulnerable feelings as a mother and woman–it can be scary. Thankfully though, treatment for depression in stay-at-home moms usually follows a somewhat predictable course.
“Research tells us that a combination of therapy and medication provides the most positive outcomes,” says Acklin. It’s not an overnight process. “Moms who take good care of themselves tend to be more present caretakers for their children leading to healthy, well-adjusted children,” she adds.
Moms who take good care of themselves tend to be more present caretakers for their children leading to healthy, well-adjusted children.
Dr. Khurana loves therapy. “Most everyone would benefit from a course of therapy to help them understand how they are interacting in the world and how they may be affecting others.” For stay-at-home moms, though, she sees therapy become important in an additional way. Therapy provides moms with a space to think about how they are taking care of themselves.
“There is a lot of blending with the child and sleep deprivation that inevitably occurs with taking care of a child, but it is important for the mom to remember that she is separate and that she has the ability to take care of herself,” Dr. Khurana adds. It’s like being on a plane and putting the oxygen mask on yourself first, she says. You can’t parent well if you aren’t well.
Psychiatric medication needs several weeks to reach full effectiveness. Therapy often has some immediate effect–just the act of seeking someone to talk to about your struggles is powerful. The deep work of therapy, though, can take months or even years. Sometimes more severe depression requires more urgent or immediate treatment, such as at an emergency room or through a mobile crisis response team. If this is you, it is important to know this is OK. Emergency mental health services are an important part of the care continuum and are often the first step to feeling well.
“Typical psychiatric meds can take a few weeks to kick in, so the doctor may think that more immediate treatment may be warranted,” says Dr. Khurana.
Eventually with the right support and care, most stay-at-home moms who receive treatment for depression are able to feel better, care for their kids more effectively, and eventually recover from the situational depression that descended on them during this new stage of life. Acklin knows how important the well-being of a mom is–it affects everything in the family. While the old adage says, “Happy wife, happy life,” she says, “You could change it to ‘healthy mom, healthy children.’”
Resources for Moms Struggling With Depression
If you’re experiencing symptoms of depression, or find you are having difficulty functioning day-to-day, please know that there are plenty of resources to support you. And if you are feeling suicidal or thinking about harming yourself or others, please seek help, or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255).
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Association
National Maternal Mental Health Hotline
Postpartum Support International
Editor’s note: A version of this story first appeared in 2022. It has been updated for timeliness.
Meg St-Esprit, M.Ed., is a freelance journalist based in Pittsburgh, where she lives with her husband, four children, and way too many pets. Meg is a staff writer for Romper and freelances for a variety of publications including The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, and The Atlantic. Find more of Meg’s work at www.megstesprit.com, or follow her on Twitter and Instagram.
References
Frech, A., & Damaske, S. (2012). The Relationships between Mothers’ Work Pathways and Physical and Mental Health. Journal of Health and Social Behavior, 53(4), 396-412.
