How to Deal With the Exhaustion of Being the Default Parent
A deeper look into what a default parent is, why mothers typically take on this role, and how to deal with chronic fatigue.
It’s no secret that moms take on everything. We rise to the occasion meeting work deadlines, arranging schedules, and prepping meals, all while emotionally supporting our kids and partners. We organize the family calendar only to reorganize it again when daycare or after-school activities fall through, and we juggle the pick-up and the parenting at a moment's notice. As mothers, we’ve trained our brains to memorize everything from vaccine schedules to developmental milestones to classmates’ names. We throw ourselves into research, determined to problem solve our children’s struggles. And we know when it’s time for doctor’s visits and teeth cleanings and sizing up in shoes. Within our families, moms have become the default parent—and we’re exhausted.
Below, we speak with two mental health experts about the default parent meaning, why women are most likely to shoulder more responsibilities within their families, and how to find more equity and ease in the day-to-day of raising kids.
Meet the Experts
Laurel Sims-Stewart, LPCC: Licensed professional clinical counselor and the community outreach director at Bridge Counseling and Wellness in Louisville, Kentucky.
Supatra Tovar, Psy.D.: Clinical psychologist in Pasadena, California.
What Is a “Default Parent”?
Laurel Sims-Stewart, a therapist and Community Outreach Director at Bridge Counseling and Wellness, defines the default parent as the one parent primarily in charge of everything child-related.
“You’re the one who’s the assumed first responder,” Sims-Stewart says. This can look like carrying the mental load of planning appointments, maintaining the color-coded family calendar, and if school or childcare options fall through, you’re the parent expected to adjust. Sound familiar?
Elizabeth Bettencourt, a mom to a 4 and 7-year-old, is no stranger to doing all the things. “I definitely take on both the mental and physical responsibilities for the kids,” Bettencourt says. She recognizes that between herself and her work-from-home husband, she’s the parent in charge of her kids’ daily routine.
“I do outfits, pick-ups, and drop-offs, doctor's appointments (both scheduling them and going to them), and most activities,” she says. Bettencourt and her husband both tackle meal planning, but she’s the “go-to” parent for her children and it’s all the going-to that can leave her feeling overwhelmed.
Why Mothers Are Typically the Default Parent
Bettencourt isn’t the only mom to take charge of her family’s To-Do List and then find the load to be a full one. In fact, it’s more likely that a mother will assume the default parenting role.
Clinical psychologist Supatra Tovar, Psy.D., says, “Mothers take on the default parenting role for a variety of reasons, but the biggest one is they’re conditioned to take on this role.” Despite recent changes in women’s liberation and entering the workforce, Dr. Tovar explains that women step into this role in large part because society expects it of them.
Mothers throughout history have assumed the primary caregiver role for their children. Sims-Stewart explains that many of us were raised with this type of patriarchal belief system—a structure where the male is the primary breadwinner and the female deals with all things parenting.
“But we know that this is not necessarily the reality for many families day-to-day,” Sims-Stewart begins, “and so this creates issues with societal beliefs that we’ve internalized and the practicalities of what it means.”
Internalized societal expectations, a strong nurturing instinct, or a belief that we moms parent better or more efficiently than our partners are all reasons we start our day as the default parent hours before our family is even out of bed.
How It Feels to Be the Default Parent
Brooke McNatt, the mom of a 16-month-old and 6-year-old, says, “I feel like I take on everything because I like things done a certain way.” McNatt makes sure meals and laundry happen and she keeps the family calendar up-to-date. “I’m the schedule keeper because it’s not my husband’s forte,” she says.
McNatt balances her family needs with her full-time work schedule and reveals, “I feel like there’s something I should always be doing, and I take it all on myself.”
Even with her husband offering support, McNatt feels an inner push to be on call for her family. This need to “take it all on” can be a powerful motivator—one that will eventually lead her to a place of burnout. McNatt describes this feeling as being pushed to her limit. “I just need to mentally not have to think about anything,” she says.
Bettencourt talks about how she recently went back to work as a part-time adjunct professor and was surprised to find her prep work is completed in fits and starts, unlike her husband’s.
Bettencourt talks about how she recently went back to work as a part-time adjunct professor and was surprised to find her prep work is completed in fits and starts, unlike her husband’s. This may stem from patterns established when Bettencourt was the stay-at-home parent.
“I still factor everything around my kids' lives,” she says. This isn’t unusual as Dr. Tovar adds, “Whatever the reason, once entrenched in this role, it becomes very difficult to change parenting duties or split them evenly.”
What is Default Parent Syndrome?
Default parent syndrome is the phenomenon of one parent carrying the brunt of childcare responsibilities. Most often the mother in heterosexual partnerships, the default parent carries more of the parent load, scheduling doctor’s appointments, managing playdates, keeping an eye on development, and much, much more.
A recent study applied the mom-as-default-parent trope to school emails. Researchers sent 30,000 emails to schools across the country, inviting school administrators to contact one parent in a couple under the guise that they were interested in enrolling their child. In 59 percent of cases, administrators contacted the mother. When asked to contact the father, 74 percent did as they were requested, while 26 percent still reached out to mom. On the other hand, when asked to contact the mother, 90 percent responded to the mom.¹
Default parent syndrome leads to overwhelm, increased stress, and burnout. Additionally, holding the default parent title may cause ripple effects through a marriage or partnership.
Finding More Balance If You’re the Default Parent
For Bettencourt, this dynamic can become overwhelming, but just like McNatt, it’s the combination of doing all the things that lead to exhaustion.
“I'm the default parent for all the minutiae of day-to-day life and all the emotional needs. It's the emotional needs that can start to overwhelm me,” Bettencourt says.
Both women state they talk to their spouses when the tension mounts and coordinate a break to recharge. Bettencourt says her husband doesn’t want her to reach an exhausted space and McNatt explains, “I talk to my partner and work something out so I get that break. I have a hard time putting myself first when I feel overwhelmed.”
It’s absolutely normal for moms to experience feelings of overload as the default parent. “Most women have been conditioned to think they need to ‘do it all’ and this means working nonstop from the moment they wake until they collapse in bed at night. This is not sustainable,” Sims-Stewart says.
She encourages her mom clients with partners to have a compassionate conversation asking for support in clear ways. “Find specific things that you can ask them to take on,” she says. Your partner doesn’t always know what you want, so naming your need and asking for support with several tasks can help them as much as it will help you.
Your partner doesn’t always know what you want, so naming your need and asking for support with several tasks can help them as much as it will help you.
If a partner isn’t available or willing to contribute, Dr. Tovar proposes advocating for childcare (if that’s an option) or seeking assistance from family or friends.
“I think it is important to form co-ops and groups with friends and neighbors you trust so everyone can catch a break and their breath,” Dr. Tovar says.
She also encourages her mom clients to carve out at least one moment during their day for self-care. This could be a walk outside, a hot bath, or deep breathing. And Sims-Stewart reminds us to find activities that recharge us—even something simple like coffee with a friend. Don’t forget, there are mental health professionals available should you need them.
When it comes to moms doing all the things, it’s important to put ourselves in this equation too. “I’ve learned to speak up and make sure I’m meeting my own needs,” Bettencourt says. Making sure to have a regular self-care schedule is one way to stay grounded and stop the exhaustion from mounting. Then truly take that break and step away from the heavy mental load. Sims-Stewart knows us well when she says, “We’re all in need of extra support right now.”
* Editor’s Note: This story was originally published in 2022. It has been updated for timeliness.
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FAQs
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The default parent is typically the primary caregiver responsible for most child-related tasks, from managing schedules to coordinating appointments. This role often includes taking on the bulk of the mental load, making decisions, and handling day-to-day activities to support the family’s needs.
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Default parent syndrome occurs when one parent, usually the mother, carries most of the physical and emotional responsibilities of parenting. This imbalance can lead to exhaustion, resentment, and burnout as the default parent manages both the visible and invisible tasks needed to keep family life running smoothly.
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Societal expectations and traditional gender roles often place mothers in the default parent position. Many women internalize these norms, feeling responsible for coordinating family needs. Additionally, mothers are more likely to be contacted by schools and healthcare providers, reinforcing their role as the primary caregiver.
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Default parents can find more balance by clearly communicating needs to their partners, redistributing household responsibilities, and carving out time to step away from parenting. Building a support system with friends, family, or other parents can also help ease the burden, allowing default parents to recharge and prevent burnout.
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Default parent burnout can show up as emotional exhaustion, irritability, and a sense of being overwhelmed by daily responsibilities. Physical signs might include sleep issues or headaches. Recognizing these signs can be a first step to seeking support and establishing more balance.
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Default parents can ask for help by being specific with their needs and starting a conversation about redistributing the workload at home. Open communication about expectations and responsibilities is key.
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Some strategies include setting boundaries, prioritizing tasks, and scheduling regular time for self-care. Default parents can also form community support networks with friends, neighbors, or family to share responsibilities and create breathing space.
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Sharing the default parent role equally requires intentional communication and a commitment from both partners. Regularly discussing and assigning household and child-related tasks can help achieve a fair balance, preventing one parent from becoming overwhelmed by the mental load.
References:
Buzard, Kristy and Gee, Laura and Stoddard, Olga, Who You Gonna Call? Gender Inequality in External Demands for Parental Involvement (November 22, 2023).
