Thao Thai | A Writer On Being Part-Time Stay-At-Home, Part-Time Freelancer
by Neha Ruch
Thao Thai is the warm hug I didn’t know I needed. I first discovered her through her writing and as luck may have it, she had found me through the Mother Untitled community. Taking conversations from digital media to real life can be intimidating but Thao has an immediate kindness and curiosity that goes hand in hand with smarts and humor. Thao expands on her choice to leave a full-time executive editor role for freelance and a more fluid set up that allows her to enjoy these early years with her daughter and what that looks like on the day to day. She shares below about how she navigates the in-between of part-time home parent and part-time work as a freelance editor and writer, giving a fun voice to the grey area of this chapter.
1. You and I have connected on a similar path. Can you share more about finding confidence in the choices you made in your work life to make room for family?
Confidence — in anything — has never come easily to an overthinking introvert like me. But I came to the decision to craft a different kind of work/life relationship for our family when I began to see the ways in which my selfhood was tied to my creative work, and the way that selfhood was also tied into being a good partner and parent. Life is a series of interconnected parts, each shifting to make space for another, each wildly variable. What I learned, though, was that the best version of myself came through when I was both present and creatively charged. I was a more compassionate person to others when I was able to sit with myself more fully and honor my own needs.
I left my position as an executive editor of a digital publication in order to write, do more freelance contract work, and stay home with my daughter part-time. It’s a bit of that hustle/gig culture that has always been really appealing to me, due to my varied interests and deep love of flexibility. I very much enjoy hopping from project to project, pivoting my mind from something technical to something more creative. And I can’t get enough of spending time with my daughter, especially during these quirky, joyful young years of her life.
I don’t think this is realistic for every mother or caregiver; in fact, I feel extremely privileged to have had a chance to make that decision. And of course, it’s not always perfect. I still find myself pulled in different directions. But what this more fluid work/life relationship has given me is a chance to be purposeful in my choices, in a way that I wasn’t able to in a more traditional career trajectory. Again: this is very specific to my experience. I know others are able to find fulfillment in many different models of life. I don’t think we can or should advocate a career path for anyone other than ourselves.
2. Freelance editing can take on so many different forms. I'd love to know how it's fit into your life as a mother at various stages?
Well, I haven’t been an editor for very long, but I’ve always been a writer in some form or another. My degrees were in creative writing, and I wrote in various roles, as a content strategist, or a marketer, or a copywriter. I’ve written for blogs and retail companies and literary journals, and though each form is different, they all speak to a need to communicate something about the human experience.
Editing, right now, is extremely satisfying. It goes hand-in-hand with the writing I do. In fact, I think the line between editor and writer is usually very blurred, especially when working in digital media. I love collaborating with newer as well as established writers; they always come with brilliant ideas, and voices that sing on the page. That relationship, which I’ve always been on the writer side of, can be really special and inspiring. I’m convinced that the more great writing we surround ourselves with, the sharper we become as thinkers and creatives.
The best part of being a part-time stay-at-home caregiver to my daughter is that she gives me so many ideas for things to write about. Sometimes she asks questions that jog memories. Or we have an adventure that leads somewhere new. My daughter reminds me that living can be a supremely creative act. It can all meld so beautifully.
3. We also share in common coming from immigrant Asian and South East Asian families. That comes with a fair amount of pressure and expectations on career - how have you navigated that?
It took quite a few years, but my family has a lot of trust in me now. At first, I think they were pretty traditional in wanting me to have safe and stable positions in industries they understood: medicine, banking, teaching. And of course I get that. From their perspective, they moved to the States to give me more opportunity, and they wanted to be sure I would be able to fully take advantage of that opportunity. But I was never going to be very successful in any of those industries. I laugh to think about what an awful doctor I would have been. Any of my science teachers could confirm that.
Now, I wouldn’t say that they have a huge amount of curiosity in my work, but they understand that I’m able to create a stable life for myself, despite being in a less structured industry. Work has never defined them, and for that, I’m grateful, because they also don’t let it define me.
4. Help is a big part of the equation that doesn't get talked about too much. How has help taken on different forms in your home and allowed you to show up better for yourself or your daughter?
This is a great question! For the first couple years of my daughter’s life, my husband stayed home with her. He was an exceptional caregiver: always involved and loving. He brought joy and stability to our lives during a time when a lot of other things were uncertain. Then when he went back to work, we hired a nanny we adored — and still adore. She left to pursue a different career path, but we are endlessly grateful to all she brought to our lives. She loved our little girl so fully that it made us able to concentrate on work, trusting that she would be able to handle anything childcare-related in our absence.
Now, our daughter is enrolled in a part-time preschool. She has a bestie she talks about all the time, and her teachers are extremely loving. She comes home full of stories and crafts to show off, and I look forward to seeing her run out the doors with her little backpack every day.
So, again, we’ve been very fortunate. Childcare can be hugely stressful, and it has been for us as well, during transitional moments. I look forward to a day when the U.S. catches up to other countries in terms of subsidized child care, because I want other parents to have that same peace of mind when it comes to their own decisions.
5. What rituals or routines help you (especially in this past year!) keep things up-beat or smooth in your home while you balance your freelance work alongside parenting and family?
We spend a lot of time together and love our rituals: happy hours during the week, family movie night, mornings with coffee and donuts, picnics at the park. Those benchmarks help our family look forward to something, even when the days get hectic. My husband and I read to our daughter every night, and that time settled in our big bed, a heap of books next to us, feels like a peaceful close to the day.
For me personally: I recharge both by calming my brain and reigniting my creativity. I love period television, like A Discovery of Witches or Downton Abbey, as well as comedies like Schitt’s Creek. Cooking makes me happy, especially when I get to try out a recipe from my childhood. I also sew clothes for my daughter and me, and the physical act of sewing is a refreshing way to turn my brain to something spatial and practical.
Quick Chit Chat:
+ Product you'd gift every mother
It’s funny you ask this; we spent the first few months of my daughter’s life obsessed with Amazon Prime. Literally, we tried dozens of gadgets. And I’ve come to the conclusion that less is more. For a new mother, I’d get a wonderful meal delivered to her home, or a week’s worth of groceries / essentials for her fridge. Food was the last thing on my mind during the fourth trimester, but knowing that was taken care of was an immeasurable comfort.
+ Most meaningful marriage advice/learning
I had to learn, quite painstakingly, how to be in a partnership without being codependent. I think healthy dependency is a beautiful thing, but I struggled to find myself in relationships. I was a smaller, more anxious person when I tried so hard to control others through my codependency. Being with my husband has given me security and freedom. I relish my alone time now, and fully support him in claiming his too.
+ 3 Instagram accounts that inspire you
@annmahnet: Ann Mah’s photos are always stunning, and I love the scenes she captures of Hanoi and Paris. Her Vietnam photos, in particular, make me homesick for a place I hardly know.
@padmalakshmi: Padma Lakshmi’s cooking reels are a highlight of my week. She’s a master of technique, and has so much to say about the ways we imbue our history in the food we create.
@ibramxk: I learn something new every day from the brilliant Ibram X. Kendi about antiracism, activism, history, everything — and there is a lot I need to learn. His words are a gift I don’t take lightly.
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