I Finally Have Help With My Kids—But I'm Still Not Happy

By Chaunie Brusie

Right now, as I type this, the sun is shining, I'm alone in my office, my coffee is steaming next to me, and the house is quiet. It's exactly the type of scene I longed for through the early days of the pandemic when I tried to work my full-time job, juggle virtual school, care for our five children, and juggle the seemingly never-ending quarantine when one of them eventually did fall sick with COVID-19. 

In fact, this fall, as my four older children started back to school, I made the decision to also enroll my toddler in full-time childcare. I was in a poor place mentally, like many moms, and told myself that having her play with other kids during the day instead of being stuck home alone with me would be a positive step for her—and allow me the space and time I needed to catch my breath again. 

The problem is, I don't feel all that much happier. Something I didn’t fully predict going into the fall was that in a lot of ways, the past few months have actually been much harder than the spring. Whereas I had my tweens home to help me when I needed a hand with the baby during a meeting or to run to the bathroom, now, I have no one. If the toddler gets a runny nose (which she does a lot) she’s home with me. At one point last month, she was home for three weeks straight and I found myself straight back in those months of trying to work and take care of her at the same time, a truly impossible task that I had already done for far too long. 

I've had my dial set to "emergency" for so long, it feels like I can't function normally anymore. 

And even on the days I do have childcare, I have to admit that I don't even feel that much more productive. I've talked to some other moms who have experienced similar feelings and as far as we can come up with, it's a collective sort of trauma that has left us all a bit shell-shocked. It almost feels like I longed to get here and now that I am, I don't know what to do with myself. I've had my dial set to "emergency" for so long, it feels like I can't function normally anymore. 

A part of me is always preparing for someone to get sick or something to go wrong because well, that’s what experience has taught me. I’m always one sick kid away from a crisis, so I’m always set to crisis watch mode. I'm listless, lethargic, and generally aimless about what I should be doing with my career now. 

In a technical sense, I feel like I should be happier, with kids back in school and some childcare available, but the absolute truth is, I’m not. So I talked to an expert to try to uncover what the heck is going on—and how moms feeling the same as me can try to get back on track. 

I might be totally normal after all

The first thing that Rachel Fulton, a Certified Life Coach with both an Instagram and Facebook group to follow, told me was that my feelings are actually pretty normal. 

She explained that it boils down to something pretty simple: we’ve all been through so much emotional turmoil, uncertainty and stress we don't fully know how to cope or even get started living a normal life again. 

“[Moms] have been so focused on keeping their families safe that they have lost sight of what makes them feel truly alive and fulfilled,” Fulton explained. 

She also validated that the childcare situation hasn’t really improved for those of us with young kids, because of the strict policies that have been put into place in a COVID world. 

Moms have been so focused on keeping their families safe that they have lost sight of what makes them feel truly alive and fulfilled.

“In the area I live in, finding childcare has always been difficult, but now it's even harder!” she added, making me feel totally less crazy. “The strict guidelines are hard for daycares to follow, especially with very young children who have a hard time wearing a mask and keeping it on all day. It's normal for kids to get germs, get a slight runny nose or cough, build their immune system and then move on from it. With the new guidelines, it is making it very hard for working moms especially because they're sending kids home or making them quarantine for things that normally wouldn't have been a second thought.”

Moms aren’t giving themselves enough credit

In general, I tend to live my life feeling like I am constantly failing someone: my kids if I’m working too much, my husband because he’s my emotional sounding board, all relationships in my life because I become ultra-introverted when I’m overwhelmed, so, um, always. 

But Fulton pointed out that most likely, I’m joining the ranks of moms who do not even realize how much they are actually doing. For instance, those of us who had to continue working while acting as our kids’ teacher are most likely going through an even harder time than others realize. 

“As mothers, we take on a lot already, and I think a lot of us have a hard time asking for help,” she noted. (Or, in many cases, even having access to ask for help—sometimes, there was literally nowhere to turn for help.) And in her opinion, this should be a fact that is recognized by employers. 

“Mental health is something that we really need to bring more awareness to, especially considering the burdens placed on moms during the past 18 months and counting,” she said. I’m not sure about you, but there has been absolutely none of that coming from any employer I know. The point is, take a minute to really acknowledge all you’ve done and been through the past 20 months and maybe—just maybe—we’ll realize we’ve done a lot more than we’ve given ourselves credit for. 

Pay a professional 

While, in an ideal world, we would all be getting the support we need from our employers, most of us are not, so Fulton is a big fan of paying for professional mental health support if possible. And honestly, I’ve learned this the hard way: I’m currently in the middle of some pretty serious medical testing that I know is at least in some capacity, linked to stress and working too much. 

It’s finally dawning on me that when you’ve lived in survival mode for so long, eventually, your health will be affected. I’ve pushed through week after week, telling myself things will calm down—except they never do. And I’m realizing how misguided that is financially, because I’m now facing being forced to quit completely as well as facing medical bills and treatment. 

Believe that change is possible

Fulton also shared that she deeply understands the challenges that moms like me are facing right now, because she’s gone through it herself. Despite the fact that she said she had a great job with supportive bosses, she went through a period of deep self-reflection, she decided to make a change and launched her own business. 

What helped her make the shift? Believing that she was worth the time. 

“After speaking with over 100 mothers in the past couple months, the number one thing I'm hearing is they don't feel they have the time they need to do everything and take care of themselves or pursue their personal dreams and goals,” she said. “I think now more than ever, it's so important to take care of us as the backbone of our families. When we take care of ourselves we are much stronger, calmer, present and clear-minded to be the best we can for ourselves and our family.”

It’s time we accept that any type of “new normal” means taking into account our needs, too.

The bottom line is, we matter too, moms. And it’s time we accept that any type of “new normal” means taking into account our needs, too. The truth is, we did go through trauma and the even bigger truth is, we not only need to acknowledge and process that, but it’s vital for the health and well-being of our entire family. I’m still not entirely sure how that will look for our family yet, but I can tell you this, this New Year will bring changes for our family. Because my health matters too.  

Read More:

I Had a Baby to Stop Being a Workaholic

Chaunie Brusie is a mom of five, a native Michigander, and a Registered Nurse turned writer and editor. Her work has appeared everywhere from The New York Times to Glamour to Parents magazine.