How to Cope with Chronic Annoyance in Motherhood
Source: Social Squares
My husband, 5-year-old daughter, and I are on our way to a dinner party at the home of our new friends. We’ve been looking forward to this dinner for weeks. I stuff half a grocery store’s supply of treats into my tote bag, including a huge tray of cookies. But when it’s time to head out, my daughter is desperate to continue the game she’s playing. Weeping, she tells us that she doesn’t want to go to dinner after all. She refuses to put on her shoes. I feel the impatience of the day, already simmering just below my skin, start to erupt.
Even in the moment, I know: I’m not handling any of it well. I rage at my family for never pitching in, for always leaving me with the planning and grocery shopping and general Deputy of Delight role (one I was playing horribly at the moment). I not-so-nicely suggest we cancel the whole thing. Then, in a huff, I withdraw to another room and stare stonily at the fireplace. In other words, I throw a tantrum.
We did go to the dinner after all that night and everything was fine. Delightful, even. But as I tucked my daughter in, wiping the sweat-dampened baby curls from her forehead, she said, “Do you remember when you snapped at me today, Mama? That wasn’t very nice.” Ouch.
I saw a pattern of annoyance shaping my daily life. Scowling when someone cuts me off in traffic. Tossing the phone after an annoying work email. Criticizing my family members over things that don’t really matter at all.
She was not wrong. A terrible weight dropped in my stomach, not only because I knew I had overreacted, but because I saw a pattern of annoyance shaping my daily life. Scowling when someone cuts me off in traffic. Tossing the phone after an annoying work email. Criticizing my family members over things that don’t really matter at all. I call this terrible condition one of chronic annoyance: the feeling of little things spiralling into giant boulders, ones that form an impenetrable wall around your heart until you begin to lose perspective.
What, exactly, is chronic annoyance?
Other parents, especially mothers, have identified this same strain in their daily lives. Ruby M., a mother of two young children in Orlando, Florida, says, “I find myself snapping at minor things and I sometimes let that annoyance transfer. I try my best at stopping myself from feeling that way, but many times I fail at doing so, and that makes me feel defeated.” Sharon Mazel, a parenting and pregnancy expert and bestselling author, says, “Irritability, feeling frustrated, lashing out, and having a short-temper are just some of the hallmarks of [chronic annoyance], which parenting experts and mental health providers [have noticed].”
Chronic annoyance, specifically, is like a thousand papercuts—the first one doesn't incapacitate, but by the hundredth, you are stinging all over. You may look in the mirror and no longer recognize yourself. Jo Anna G., a mother of one in Texas, says, “The need my family has for me is the need for me to be what I used to be to them. And I'm desperate to be seen as Professor, Reader, Writer, Lover of dogs and daisies and fall. I'm desperate to be taken care of, too, to call out and be heard, and when it doesn't happen day after day, it's infuriating.” Feeling unseen is a familiar phenomenon for many of us—as is helplessness.
Think of a pressure cooker: Releasing the valve when it's at its highest pressure point can be unsafe because it comes out at full force. Our stress is similar. The accumulation of stress makes us more vulnerable to our emotions.
Sofia Mendoza, LCSW, offers a useful metaphor: “Think of a pressure cooker: Releasing the valve when it's at its highest pressure point can be unsafe because it comes out at full force. Our stress is similar. The accumulation of stress makes us more vulnerable to our emotions.”
And how that stress often comes out is through a desire to control the spaces and people around us. Emily W. King, Ph.D., Child, Adolescent, and Family Psychologist, notes, “When we cannot control big things (like COVID), we try to control small things (shoes left on the floor). When we cannot control small things, we become irritable, impatient, and annoyed.” Rochelle Knowles, a certified life and health coach and founder of Mindful Eyes Coaching notes that mothers no longer have the support they need or the ability to get a “brain break.”
But that doesn’t mean there aren’t short and long term solutions to chronic annoyance. Structural support of caregivers and women aside, there are some strategies we can employ in the here-and-now.
Source: Social Squares
3 Tips for Finding Relief
1. Find a way to release the pressure
Describing the ways her annoyance feels to her, Jo Anna says, “It's a physical feeling. I don't feel the pain; I feel the anger. And the things that annoy me all day every day give me a shadow of that.”
Mendoza recommends, “The key is to do something that allows parents to complete the stress cycle, get it out of their system, or ‘release the steam.’” This pressure release looks different for everyone: Perhaps you’d benefit from a run, or maybe you prefer to veg in front of a low-stakes TV show for a bit. Some may want to talk to friends or a therapist*, while others may prefer to get active with a creative hobby. Knowing how you best find peace is the first step. Identify this before you’re triggered by annoyance, then keep it in your back pocket for times of frustration.
Many of my friends have leaned on meditation. Ruby describes, “Doing a guided meditation or just going outside and away from everyone for a few minutes can help. Not all the time, but it can alleviate my feelings for a brief moment.” Some just rest in a quiet place for 5-10 minutes, letting themselves sink into emotion, rather than trying to rise above it. I’ve heard these big feelings described as tunnels; envision yourself moving through them, rather than avoiding them.
2. Lean on connection, not just with others, but with yourself
But what about those moments when you can’t decompress in the midst of an annoyance trigger? Like in my dinner party debacle: If I had let go of the need to be on time and present a picture-perfect image to the outside world, I may have taken a few minutes to talk things over with my daughter. We could have come to a resolution, or at least, an understanding of one another’s feelings. And we would have arrived at the party in a more peaceful place, ready to truly be present for the moment.
Or maybe I could have asked my husband to get our daughter ready while I breathed for a few minutes or snuck in a quick cry by myself. In retrospect, I did not feel like I was honoring myself or my own boundaries, which was a part of my frustration.
Justin Burke, a food writer and father of a toddler in South Carolina, leans on his partner: “I try to keep myself centered, allow myself to be annoyed, but then quickly acknowledge it and apologize or talk about it, usually with my fiancé.”
Knowles suggests, “Mother yourself and make yourself a priority. Give yourself space to be silent and present in your body. Doing this will give you more energy, allow you to respond rather than react, and be an all-around happier person for yourself and your loved ones.”
Mendoza recommends, “The simple act of noticing, ‘I'm super annoyed right now’ can actually give us the pause to reflect. Implementing self-compassion could sound like, ‘This is hard and this is why I need a small break,’ in our most tender voice, can help to bring us back to the moment and proceed with caution and care.”
What can we change that we do have control over? Get enough sleep, see a therapist, and protect your social time by saying yes to only things that fill you up, not drain you more.
3. Let go of control and pick your battles
King says, “Is everyone safe, fed, and feeling connected? That’s a win!” Things like perfect charcuterie boards may not be on the table for you either, nor will having every single part of your day planned perfectly. And that’s okay. King suggests asking, “What can we change that we do have control over? Get enough sleep, see a therapist, and protect your social time by saying yes to only things that fill you up, not drain you more.” Boundaries are an essential key to combating chronic annoyance and for the most part, that is something we can control as individuals.
And at the end of the day, it’s useful to know that we are only humans in a world that sometimes feels very broken and impossible. While we all have moments of frustration and anger, there are always tools to help cultivate resilience. Just as important? Learning to forgive yourself for the moments where things feel just a little out of control. Remember the light on the other side.
Thao Thai is a writer and editor living in Ohio with her family. She's curious about all things parenting-related, and is passionate about exploring the intersections of motherhood and identity.
