A Home Audit: What's Not Working for Our Family And What We're Doing About It

I was watching my husband teeter on a leather stool testing light bulbs last night. We take such care when the lights flicker or the hot water spout sputters. What about the things we can't see?  

At the start of November, we introduced the topic of home on-site. In that introductory note, I mentioned I was craving a different lens to home: one that shifted view beyond the organizational tips and pretty corners to the messy bits, allowing us to really own where we are and get comfortable in the reality of this stage of life.

In my home, there are messy corners that, no matter how I try and tidy around, remain messy. So here are a few we've been working on that are flickering and sputtering and calling for some extra attention.

Fair Play

When we had our first son, my husband's work running a tech company was so intense that I was grateful for his participation and playfulness in the mornings, occasional evenings, and weekends. During the pandemic, the four of us cocooned at home, and my husband worked out of the bedroom to sell that company. We developed routines that asked more of him to preserve my sanity. I loved the feeling of doing it together—him handling wake-ups to give me time in the mornings, carving out 1-2 hours so I could get breaks, and cleaning side-by-side after bedtime.  

Now, as we've transitioned back to real life and he's transitioned into new work, we're recalibrating. I've continued to structure my weeks to be entirely at home with the kids for much of it, and in some way, I was still longing for the pandemic co-parenting rhythms. His argument: he did that when he had to, but now with childcare as an option and school as a definite, those exact rhythms aren't necessary, nor necessarily what he wants. Further, he would like more paid help to allow us more breathing room to enjoy each other and this stage of life more.

How are we reconciling? We're starting by reading Fair Play by Eve Rodosky to help us have frank conversations about our expectations of each other in the household, how we value each others' contributions, and what we're willing to outsource.  

One day your kids will simply outgrow their constant need for you and this stage will be a memory.

My husband and I both bounced this off of friends and came back with this—it's a universal truth. Women, even those of us who fiercely advocate for women to get the help and support they need, feel guilt stepping away from our kids and men, don't to the same degree. Every individual has a different stamina for kids and home life. My husband added this bit of advice from a friend of his—no amount of communication will change one another though you can find systems that add ease. One day your kids will simply outgrow their constant need for you and this stage will be a memory. Oof. My heart.

Family Rules

Five, going on 6, is an exciting age—just old enough for expectations to go up a bit. I feel for my son because suddenly, we're expecting him to sit correctly at dinner, greet friends and family, clean up after himself, and onward. There's a little sister in our mix, and in a desire to avoid double standards, we're holding her to a higher standard too. Thus, recently our weekends have felt like a tug of war. Life here is too good, and these stages with kids are too short to spend them in what feels like a fight, but we've been feeling a little helpless.

Life here is too good, and these stages with kids are too short to spend them in what feels like a fight.

Somehow, we found two tactics that put us back on the same team in two different moments of peak frustration. After a particularly hard night of sleep at the start of the month, I called a family meeting right before bedtime (this was suggested by Lola Sanchez, who led our October workshop on sleep the previous week). We sat on our kitchen floor, and the kids were curious and somewhat excited about this. Dan and I were together even though I spoke, saying that our job is to keep our family healthy and strong, and our lack of sleep was hurting that, so we had new family rules in place. We introduced two rules and made clear these rules came from "a sleep doctor.” The clarity, the team spirit, and the authority figure worked, and sleep has improved by a solid 80-90% since.

The following tool presented itself seemingly out of nowhere mid-day on a Sunday when the kids were having difficulty sitting at lunchtime. My husband finally declared we needed some rules in place, and my son suggested writing them down. What started as a mealtime rule became a family rules chart that we all collaborated on and signed and decorated. I have less data on this, but the enthusiasm and connection we felt around it felt really good after a hard day.

Regardless, we're going to try and keep working through the minor issues but from a place of collaboration with our kids and mostly clarity and consistency between us, grown-ups.  

Dear Anger

Reactivity is something I've worked hard on, and still, under the pressure of little sleep or loads of irritations, it's a work in progress. As the fall whirlwind sucked me in, I found my tone getting sharper faster, and I committed to doing the work again this November. Fortuitously, I stumbled upon Dear Anger, which is my new favorite podcast.  

When they kick Magna-tiles across the room for no good reason, it might be their way of filling up their power bucket…

On the podcast, Reena Jain, founder of GoZen, leads listeners through common parenting stressors, breaking down what's happening for the kids and what's happening for you. She presents non-judgmental encouragement to lessen the pressure to fix our kids in these friction-filled moments and instead turn toward the anger that's bubbling in ourselves. I've benefited from the thought exercises in realizing that often anger in parenting comes from a fear for our children and equally in understanding what is happening with our kids when they exhibit annoying behavior. It turns out, when they kick Magna-tiles across the room for no good reason, it might be their way of filling up their power bucket, not a sign that I've failed as a parent! 

As I put my hypothetical pen down on this piece, I can't help but feel a twinge of shame sharing all the messy bits, but giving it light also lets me hold it more lightly. Reading back now, the imperfect forces us all to grow—individually and together. And how lucky are we to continue to get to grow together alongside our kids?