The Expert Advice that Changed Our Marriage for the Better
by Neha Ruch
Getting little ones out the door is never an easy task. Add jackets, hats, and masks into the mix, and it all feels a bit herculean. Yet, for so long, I insisted on shouldering the responsibility myself—just hoping my husband, Dan, would take a hint and pitch in.
London, 2013
I hated when Dan would ask me if I expected him to read my mind. I mean, obviously I didn’t, but everything I wanted him to do—grab jackets and dress kids—felt so obvious. Instead of seeing him pitch in, I’d find him refilling his coffee or looking for airpods while I lined up every piece of inner and outerwear for our children.
In these moments, I came to understand something valuable about what doesn’t work as a remedy: Huffing around with dramatic flair and then loudly exclaiming, “Well, I’ve got everything lined up and the diaper bag and stroller are packed.” Because here’s what my darling husband will say: “Thanks!” He will entirely miss the cue that this is something I wanted help with. Then, I’ll sulk until I let it go, only to have the same scenario repeat the next day.
Any time I attempted to address the issue, albeit passive aggressively, Dan would get defensive and I’d feel further away from the shared responsibility I longed for.
The harm your quiet frustration can do
It was a frustrating cycle, and one that Angela Amias, a licensed independent social worker in Iowa City, Iowa, explains can be harmful to relationships. “Passive aggressive behavior erodes your trust that your partner will communicate openly when something is bothering them,” Amias says. “In order to feel safe in a relationship, we have to be able to trust that our partner will express concerns to us directly, so we can use that information to make changes.”
“In order to feel safe in a relationship, we have to be able to trust that our partner will express concerns to us directly, so we can use that information to make changes.”
The disconnect between our words and actions is troublesome, Amias notes. She describes passive aggressive behavior as communicating two conflicting messages at once. Our words may say everything is fine—as in the case of Dan and I getting out the door—but our actions say quite the opposite. “Studies show that approximately 80 percent of communication is non-verbal, and most of us end up paying attention to the non-verbal messages expressing hostility or negativity,” Amias says.
The fix: making crystal-clear asks
So I tried a new approach: At a quiet moment after the kids went to bed and the hustle of the day was past us, I brought up our morning routine to Dan and said, “Something I’d love your help with is X, Y, and Z.” I was clear and he understood. And the next morning I watched him pile all the gloves and the coats and line them up like he’d seen me do. And he’s done that every morning since. It turns out, all I needed to do was ask.
“There’s something really powerful about being able to say, ‘This isn’t working for me,’ because it opens up a conversation about how to change the situation,” says Amias. “When couples learn to communicate openly and directly about problems, they feel more confidence in their relationships.”
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