How Our Marriage Survived New Parenthood

For us as a couple, new parenthood upended life as we knew it. Here’s how we found our way back to each another.

Katarina Šikuljak for Unsplash

In those early months following the birth of my first child, every playdate I had with new mothers found us discussing the same two topics: sleep and marriage. The sleep piece for obvious reasons, as between the training and the regressions and the all-around lack of it, it’s a hot topic. The marriage piece was where I felt oddly close to these women I hadn’t known before we all found a common thread in having kids around the same time. But we were all desperately looking for someone to affirm that it wasn’t just us who felt like our marriage was a little unhinged.

While I was well prepared for the postpartum period, and I consider myself lucky to have enjoyed the transition into motherhood, I was not at all ready for the upending of life as we knew it as a couple. New parenthood left my husband wondering when I would prioritize us again. Meanwhile, I wondered why his life didn’t seem as affected as mine.

At around six or nine months, not coincidentally when we brought on a part-time babysitter, we re-met as parents and found our new rhythm. But since then, and especially after transitioning to being parents of two, we’ve held close to a few learnings.

The strategies that keep our bond strong

Date night

This made me feel like I’d officially aged when an evening of catching up had to be scheduled. But doing so made all the difference for us. When we were in a state of tension after our son’s birth, one of the big things that kept coming up between us was where we as a couple fit in. I admittedly thought my husband was being a child thinking he still came first. He thought I was being a martyr putting our child before everyone, including myself.

We did meet in the middle eventually—at date night—a time intentionally carved out weekly to be together. Scheduling this time reminds us of a different energy in each other.

Asking to remove the charge

When things are moving so quickly, it is so easy to offend one another or say something that’s loaded with emotional charge. That can promptly snowball into a negative back-and-forth unless we catch it quickly. Dan and I have found success in pointing out if we heard “charge” in the other person’s voice and then asking for the other person to try again, to say it in a way we can listen to. This avoids so much unnecessary conflict.

Saying thank you

We’ve learned to share gratitude with one another, even for the little things. Dan makes me breakfast in the morning. He should get the appreciation for that. I text his mom to get a date on the calendar to see the kids, I get a thank you. There’s nothing too small to stop and notice because, in the intensity that is juggling work and kids and life, there’s really often only room for little things. And if they pass by without being seen, then we may quickly feel underserved.

There’s nothing too small to stop and notice because, in the intensity that is juggling work and kids and life, there’s really often only room for little things.

Taking turns

I give Dan all the credit on teaching us to allot one another time for self care. It’s a work in progress. He knows what he needs to be the best version of himself, not just for his sake but for the kids and us. It often happens that he’ll ask for what he needs—a gym session or a quick nap—and I’ll be bitter because I’ve had neither until he forces me to ask for that time in return. When we both carve out equal bits of time on the weekend to recharge, we can support each other in getting what we need with more ease and enthusiasm.

Enforcing boundaries

We live very close to a lot of family and friends and pre-kids (and pre-pandemic) we were always visiting, entertaining, or generally out and about. Beyond the fact that instances of “going out” at this particular moment are very few and far between, we know that sometimes pushing ourselves to see and do with others takes away from what we can give to each other. We’ve learned to audit the weekend or summer plans and figure out how we can set aside time and space as a unit.