How Do You Communicate You Need More Recognition From Your Partner? Experts Weigh In.

If the work you do as a stay-at-home mom largely goes unnoticed, it’s time to speak up. Three leading couples therapists show us how to start a meaningful dialogue—not a fight.

Source: Ketut Subiyanto

How often do mothers lie awake at night, consumed by the researching, planning, and dreaming that raising kids requires? How many primary caregivers keep a veritable mental file on each child’s needs—the foods they’ll eat, the naps they’ve missed, the appointments they need, and more?

In nearly every household across the country, mothers carry the administrative weight of family life. “The work we do as mothers is an endless job,” says Dr. Bernadette P. Smith, a licensed professional counselor and the owner of Aspen Counseling & Wellness in Houston, Texas. She posits that much of a mother’s work goes unnoticed by their partners simply because they handle it all so well.

But this cycle of performing critical tasks your family depends on without any acknowledgment of your efforts can have real consequences on your mental health and relationship. In short, we all need to feel valued for what we do and who we are, says Dr. Smith. Otherwise, we’re bottling up emotions like anxiety and sadness, as well as resentment for our partners. And that, Dr. Smith adds, has potential to harm our relationships and create a ripple effect across entire families.

So, how can you shift the dynamic in your home? Three leading couples therapists share how to start a meaningful, productive conversation—without it devolving into an argument.

Meet the Experts

• Dr. Bernadette P. Smith: Licensed professional counselor-supervisor and owner of Aspen Counseling & Wellness in Houston, Texas.

• Dr. Tara Suwinyattichaiporn: Tenured professor of sexual and relational communication at California State University, and a relationship coach at Luvbites. 

• Sara Oliveri Olumba: Couples coach in Washington, D.C.

1. Get in the Right Headspace

Leading the charge on a tough conversation can be, well, tough—especially if you’re not accustomed to making waves in your relationships. But there’s a distinction to be made between advocating for yourself and picking a fight, says Dr. Smith. 

“It’s important to note that just because you’re non-confrontational does not mean that you cannot have healthy conversations [about] your wants, needs, and desires,” she explains. Instead, think of being non-confrontational as a super power: You naturally bring an “I’m-not-here-to-fight” energy into the dialogue, making it easier for everyone to come to an understanding. 

If you still face the situation with dread, Dr. Smith recommends jotting down your thoughts on paper. That way, you can flesh out your side of the conversation at your own pace, making certain you’re able to say what’s truly on your mind. 

But just as you’re tending to your own headspace, make sure you’re paying attention to your partner’s, too. Springing this conversation on them at the end of their workday before they’ve had time to decompress likely won’t feel fair—or fruitful. Instead, Dr. Smith encourages readers to “set the stage,” giving your partner a heads-up that there is something on your mind you’d like to share after dinner, for example. 

2. Make Your Labor Visible

In the United States, women dedicate two hours more than men to daily household tasks, according to a 2020 study released by Oxfam and the Institute for Women’s Policy Research.¹ On average, women spend nearly six hours per day performing thankless duties such as childcare, cooking, and laundry.² And oftentimes, what adds fuel to the fire is the simple fact that our partners have no idea how much we take on, argues Sara Oliveri Olumba, a couples coach in Washington, D.C. 

“Very often we are unaware of many of the things our partner is contributing to our family. We actually need to be told,” Olumba says, noting that both parents would benefit from sharing their contributions. It’s an idea echoed by Dr. Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, a tenured professor of sexual and relational communication at California State University.

Dr. Tara recommends bringing your unseen labor out into the open, starting with a shared calendar. “Put all the activities on there that you do during the day in time blocks so it’s visibly clear to everyone that you put in a lot of effort,” she says. 

If you prefer to go analog, Olumba prescribes a list-making exercise, inviting your partner to join you in jotting down your respective contributions. Once your lists are complete, take turns sharing them with one another, being careful not to turn the exercise into a competition or debate. 

“It can be very profound and even healing to simply have all that you contribute recognized,” Olumba adds. “Not even celebrated or appreciated, but simply seen.” 

Source: Ksenia Chernaya

3. Don’t Assign Blame

These conversations don’t need to be about finger-pointing or assigning blame. To that end, Dr. Tara advises steering clear of absolutes—like “always” and “never”—as these words may trigger a defensive reaction from your partner.

And don’t be afraid to recalibrate mid-conversation. If you sense your partner has put up their defenses, Dr. Smith suggests gently checking in by saying something like the following: “I’m wondering if what I just said was taken out of context. Please know my intention is not to attack you. I want you to know how I feel because I value that in our relationship.” 

When you use “I” statements, starting with how you feel rather than what your partner does, you help keep the focus on your wants and needs—and not on placing blame, Dr. Smith says.

4. Ask Open-Ended Questions

“If you start by telling or implying to your partner that they put less of themselves into your family than you do, the conversation is going nowhere or worse—it’s likely to end in a blow-up,” Olumba cautions. 

To side-step conflict, she recommends taking a page from relationship researchers John and Julie Gottman and leaning into asking open-ended questions. Giving one another ample time to think aloud without interruption or rebuttal, Olumba suggests pitching one another questions like these: 

• How has your identity shifted since becoming a parent? 

• What are the best and hardest parts of parenting for you?

• What do you think the differences are between motherhood and fatherhood? 

• In what ways do you feel appreciated and unappreciated as a parent? 

These long, thoughtful conversations work because they invite couples to see one another and work to untangle the knotty identity shifts of parenthood. “[They are] the best chance of getting imbalances, struggles, and pain points understood,” Olumba adds. 

5. Make a Point of Saying ‘Thank You’

If you’d like to hear more words of gratitude in your relationship, the best place to start is by using them yourself. Dr. Tara says this all comes down to the rule of reciprocity: Show your partner how much you appreciate them and they’re more likely to mirror your behavior and share their praise with you. 

It’s the same principle behind what Olumba termed a “healthy diet of daily appreciation.” While she advises couples to set an intention to share one thing they appreciate about one another each day, Olumba recognizes that not everyone will be on board with the exercise. 

“Often people will be surprised how when we start to give appreciation more explicitly and intentionally we will start to feel and receive more appreciation,” she explains. 

References

1, 2  Hess C, Ahmed T, Phil M, et al. (2020). Providing unpaid household and care work in the United States: Uncovering inequality. (Report No: IWPR #C487). Institute for Women’s Policy Research.