How Do I Find More Support as a Mom? Why Experts Say Mom Friends Are the Answer

Embracing

Jan 7

Written By Jay Van Dyke - Top Rated Squarespace Web Designer in New Jersey

What can you do when you don’t have support as a mom? Experts chime in on why every mother needs a sense community—and how you can go about building yours.

When we become first-time parents, the flood of information we receive is nothing short of overwhelming. But even in my sleep-deprived state at my eight-week postpartum check-up, I retained a valuable piece of advice that continues to shape my motherhood journey. “It truly takes a village,” my OB-GYN told me. “Find your [community] in other mothers who are going through the same things.” I know I’m not alone in being on the receiving end of this adage, but when folks say, “It takes a village,” they take for granted that for many of us, there isn’t a ready-made “village” at hand. We have to intentionally build our own community.

“Moms are desperately in need of more support,” says Molly Millwood Ph.D., a licensed psychologist and author of To Have and to Hold: Motherhood, Marriage, and the Modern Dilemma. “Public policy and social norms have mothers carrying out their role with little or no assistance, and believing they should be able to do this well.” In fact, a recent survey from the Pew Research Center reported that 67 percent of mothers found parenthood more difficult than they imagined it would be, underscoring the critical need for support and community.¹

But in the absence of a different societal infrastructure, Dr. Millwood says that we can reach out to one another to create our own informal support systems. “A community of other moms can provide both practical, concrete suggestions about products and services and parenting approaches that are working well for other people—and emotional support, such as validation and compassion,” she notes.

Public policy and social norms have mothers carrying out their role with little or no assistance…

Finding support through likeminded mom friends is important, but particularly in the early stages. “Support is always important, but I think that sense of in-the-trenches community is vital through the first year postpartum,” says Mandy Major, a mother, certified postpartum doula, and the founder of postpartum doula care company Major Care. “Your body is recovering, you're figuring out how to feed your baby, and you're surfing all these new dynamics as a family. All on broken up sleep each night. And for most, without paid leave. You need to be surrounded—in person or virtually—with people going through what you're going through. At a basic level, we all want to feel seen and know we're not alone, even as time goes by and things regulate and you gain confidence in this new life."

Meet the Experts

Molly Millwood, Ph.D.: Licensed psychologist and author of To Have and to Hold: Motherhood, Marriage, and the Modern Dilemma.
Mandy Major: Certified postpartum doula, and the founder of postpartum doula care company Major Care.

The Benefits of Having Mom Friends

In her private practice, Dr. Millwood says that one of the biggest things that she sees women struggling with is an inadequacy mindset. “They feel there must be something wrong with them or something they can’t quite figure out that other moms do have figured out—otherwise, they wouldn’t be having such a hard time in motherhood,” she says. “But once women have a sense of belonging within a community, they realize everyone is having a hard time, and the problem isn’t personal failure or inadequacy, it’s the impossible demands of motherhood in a culture that provides no support for meeting those demands.”

… they experience increases in oxytocin, which in turn increase feelings of empathy and fondness for one another and decrease cortisol, which is the stress hormone.

Loneliness is another major issue that Dr. Millwood sees mom grappling with. “It’s a pervasive characteristic of motherhood for many women, but I think it isn’t readily detected or articulated because you’re not actually alone (you’re with your child or children all the time),” she says. “Finding belonging in a community is, of course, the antidote to loneliness.”

In my daughter’s first few years of life, there were countless times I’d scan the playground trying to muster up the courage to talk to another mom and ask for their number. I met one of my closest mom friends while racing my daughter down the slides. We’ve found ways to celebrate motherhood, laugh about it and share our struggles, and my cup always feels filled after we’ve carved out time for coffee or lunch.

Turns out, there’s a well-researched reason that these person-to-person connections with other women can have such a profound effect on a mother’s well-being. “There is something called ‘The Female Effect,’” Dr. Millwood explains, “which is that when two (or more) women who know and trust each other simply spend time together, they experience increases in oxytocin, which in turn increase feelings of empathy and fondness for one another and decrease cortisol, which is the stress hormone.”

Where to Find Support From Moms Online

In each subsequent phase of parenting, even as our kids’ needs and our own needs change, the need to be seen, to be validated, and to feel less alone, remains. “It just evolves,” Major says. “In-person community is powerful and wonderful, but so are online parent groups and resources. They can play an important role too, and sometimes, depending on where you live, your level of mobility and other life factors, remote options are the lifeline for community.”

Sometimes, remote options are the lifeline for community.

Connecting with other parents on Instagram is one way to find community. One account that offers a refreshingly honest discourse around the invisible load of motherhood is @Momwell (formerly Happy as a Mother). The “Mom Confessions” often say aloud the things that many of us are thinking or feeling, and many offer practical tips to combat the “shoulds” of motherhood.

Even if you don’t engage by leaving a comment, many of the mom-centric, humor-focused accounts offer a quick dose of reprieve from loneliness. Illustrator Grace Farris’ The Adventures of Weekend Mom series, depicting different mother personalities and her weekend activities, is particularly affirming. October’s suggestion of “She will want everyone to do “Quiet Time” after lunch while she reads an article,” was spot-on for me. See also “Winter Parenting Bingo” and the whole “Momsters” series. Farris’ posts continue to delight and make her 62,000 followers feel even more seen. “Now, when I’m trying to think about things to make, I think about what I’m most ashamed about,” Farris says. “There are so many random things you feel bad about and don’t realize everybody else is experiencing the same thing. Even little things like throwing kids’ teeth away.”

Managing shame, Dr. Millwood believes, is the central reason building one’s community is so crucial for mothers. “It protects us from shame (or allows us to overcome it if we’ve already been suffering from it),” she says. “Shame thrives in secrecy and isolation, and unfortunately, in modern Western society at least, the conditions of motherhood–early motherhood, especially–are inherently isolating.”

A major thrust of Dr. Millwood’s book, To Have and to Hold, is to combat shame by giving voice to the emotional rollercoaster and struggles, that while common, are rarely shared openly. “If motherhood were occurring in a village context, it would automatically deepen our friendships with other women, and with that deepening would come increasingly honest discourse, which in turn alleviates shame.”

Shame thrives in secrecy and isolation, and unfortunately, in modern Western society, the conditions of motherhood are inherently isolating.

Major agrees that while social media can provide a meaningful outlet for camaraderie and make moms feel seen, it has potential to stoke overwhelm. “On the flip side, it’s very easy to slide into compare-and-despair based on who you’re following and how long you stick around scrolling. You walk away feeling worse or second-guessing your choices,” she says. “As a doula, I also have concerns about parents seeing influencers providing advice that isn’t grounded in research or best practices, which may compound the overwhelm that’s inherent in postpartum.”

How to Avoid the Comparison Trap Online

The compare-and-despair is very real. I recall doom-scrolling my first Fourth of July as a new mom. My husband was at work, and I was pinned in my nursing chair feeding my daughter for the umpteenth time. I pined after the Instagram posts of children waving sparklers, families in coordinated outfits, and platters of festive foods and wondered ‘When will I have that?’. It seemed like everyone else had it all figured out and were actually enjoying parenting.

Because most of us engage in some form of social media, Major encourages supplementing scrolling with more direct connection to alleviate the comparison trap. This direct connection can still take an online format, such as neighborhood-based Facebook groups, postpartum apps, or virtual postpartum support groups, or via in-person groups organized by your child’s pediatrician or one facilitated by where you delivered.

Don’t Rush Friendships With Other Parents

As with anything parenting related, there’s no one-size-fits-all approach. When Dr. Millwood was a new mom, she shares that she had no desire to join a baby-and-me type group, but she felt like she should; by not engaging in a structured activity she believed she was doing herself a disservice. “What I realize now is that we need to take our own personalities and habits into consideration when we seek out community,” she says. “For some of us, a structured activity will be best because we’ll never approach a stranger on the playground. For others, online communities are the only realistic choice because of time constraints or because we can be quiet observers in those settings.”

And while Dr. Millwood encourages people to venture outside their comfort zones a bit, early motherhood isn’t the time to create obstacles toward creating community. “Do what feels possible, what feels the least scary, what feels the most desirable. Whether that is confiding more in existing friends, or joining a walking group, or a parenting group online, or finding the right Instagram accounts to follow.”

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