Marriage After Baby: How Real Couples Cope With the Stress of Raising Kids

Feb 12

Written By Jay Van Dyke - Top Rated Squarespace Web Designer in New Jersey

To all the moms in wide-eyed wonder at the challenges married parents face, here’s the expert insight and real mom advice you need to cope with marriage stress after baby.

As joyful and wondrous as new babies can be, there’s no denying the stress that children can put on a marriage. Even for the most tight-knit couples among us, growing a family together means reimagining roles and responsibilities and coping with major identity shifts–all while learning the ropes of raising a little one.

For many, this transition into parenthood is all-consuming, says Angela Amias, a licensed clinical social worker and relationship therapist. “For a while, it’s hard to think about anything else. So, it’s normal for the relationship to take a backseat as both partners adjust to parenthood,” she explains.

But the stress of this adjustment period can take its toll. Consider a recent study that found a significant drop in marital satisfaction during the first year of parenthood–a trend that improves only marginally during the second year.¹ “Over time, couples forget how they interacted and what they talked about before parenthood,” Amias says. “They start interacting with each other less as partners and more as co-parents. Talking about kids becomes an easy comfort zone that allows both partners to ignore changes that have occurred in their relationship.”

Safeguarding your marriage after baby means viewing your relationship as a living thing, Amias notes. And that means finding a comfortable dynamic as parenting partners–dividing household labor and caring for children–while also staying tuned in to one another. “Finding your way back to each other as a couple requires being intentional about making time for your relationship,” Amias adds. “It’s not going to happen on its own.”

Feeling overwhelmed by one more task on your to-do list? Amias says this relationship touch-base can start with a few minutes every day to connect with one another. Use this time to share interesting ideas, thoughts, or experiences that have nothing to do with raising kids. “These daily conversations are a way to nurture a shared context that couples can build on during longer periods together, which might not happen as regularly,” she adds.

Here’s a look at how moms across the Mother Untitled community focus on sharing the domestic load and staying close after baby.

Meet the Expert

Angela Amias, LCSW: Licensed psychotherapist and trauma-informed relationship expert.

Try These Healthy Marriage Habits After Having Kids

1. Practice Teamwork

For Chelsea, a mother of one in San Fransisco, California, a healthy marriage requires teamwork. Not only does that mean sharing responsibility for childcare and sundry things like meal-planning and laundry, but it also applies to trading off down-time, too. “My husband and I try to give each other free time each week to do our own form of self-care,” Chelsea says. “We remind each other to make time for our friends, which we both need, too.”

The couple strengthens their team bond by prioritizing an adults-only dinner after the baby is in bed. “Sometimes one of us might need to jump back on the computer for work afterwards, but we know we have dinnertime to ourselves, unplugged,” she notes. To Chelsea and her husband, expressing gratitude for one another is every bit as important as working together. A quick “thank you,” she says, can make all the difference and helps ensure no one feels taken for granted.

2. Schedule Check-Ins

Hitha, a mother of two in New York City, swears by regularly scheduled marriage check-ins to keep her relationship on-track. “Every Saturday evening, once the boys are in bed, we get some dessert, settle into the couch, and AirPlay our family meeting agenda onto the TV,” she says. The couple uses this time not only to review finances, appointments, and schedules, but to pose meaningful questions that strengthen their bond. “This weekly practice has made us better parents, [more efficient] in our work, and most importantly, better partners to one another,” Hitha says.

3. Get Granule With Responsibilities

For Maya, a mother of two in Washington D.C., an ongoing discussion on the division of labor is key. “When I first returned to part-time work after my leave was up, I created a spreadsheet with every task it took to run our house and take care of our family, and made a ‘Matt’ column and a ‘Maya’ column,” she shares. “I then shared it with my husband to decide what he wanted to fill in so that the columns would appear even.”

The couple makes this spreadsheet work by recognizing it’s a living document, apt to change with shifts in their careers or home life. “Nothing is permanent and each phase requires a different balance from each of us, so flexibility and constantly checking in with each other is really important. I feel so much better about where we are in terms of our balance and communication process today than at any other point since my daughter was born,” Maya says.

The couple uses this time not only to review finances, appointments, and schedules, but to pose meaningful questions that strengthen their bond.

4. Let Go of the Reigns

“When my son, Ness, was born, I felt like I had to enforce my vision, rules, and ideals for how to raise our boy. I had done all the research and I felt entitled to that level of authority,” shares Daniella, a mother of one in Brooklyn, New York. “But when I started to loosen my grip and allow my husband, Dan, to bond, connect, and parent from his intuition and heart, I fell deeper in love with these boys, and prouder of the family we’re building.”

Daniella also recognized that by trusting Dan to parent in his own way, she could make more room for herself—whether that meant more sleep, more creative moments, or what she describes as, more “love feelings” in her life. “Dan is an amazing father and the more I let go and let him be, the less resentment I feel,” Daniella shares. “It’s a new kind of romance!”

But when I started to loosen my grip and allow my husband to bond, connect, and parent from his intuition and heart, I fell deeper in love…

5. Escape Together

Leah, a mother of two in Brooklyn, New York, lives for adventuring beyond the ordinary with her husband. The two regularly plan time just for them, from a weekend out of town to an hour alone to a week-long trip to Italy.

“We rediscovered who we are as a couple who doesn’t speak the language and finds a secret hole-in-the-wall with the very best pasta on earth,” Leah says.

6. Count the Little Things

When life feels particularly full, Jennifer, a mom of two in Chicago, Illinois, focuses on small acts of affection. “My husband’s love language is definitely ‘acts of service,’ so I know he really appreciates the moves I make to let him know he’s on my mind,” she says. These gestures include remote-starting his car when he’s headed out the door during the frigid winter months, or bringing him a cup of coffee when he’s in the shower. “For his part, my husband knows I really love when he sends me a text during the day to say, ‘I love you,’ or plans a night out for just the two of us.”

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